Livin'
Back at it. Today is the kickoff for the fall semester. Our classes start Thursday. Everything moved quickly this morning and I am not going to the luncheon. They have an endowed faculty chair which is a pretty big deal, and I am curious who that will be, but I would rather be alone in my office.
Actually, I just saw a post the other day that said something to the effect of "if you think everyone hates you, you're tired. If you think you hate someone, you are hungry." I feel like that is some hidden deep truth that I need to turn over in my mind XD Speaking of that, I am going to eat my lunch here in a moment. I don't hate anyone. I do feel very alone, which I think is all in my mind. Everyone who I have spoken to has been SO friendly and welcoming here. It is very pleasant. I just... I feel like I have forgotten how to be around people!!! Like what do I do with my face and body? Are they looking at what I look like and my face and clothes? Should I care or no? It's just much easier to be alone in my little room.
I have a small list of things to do to prepare. It is shocking how quickly this semester has come up. I have SOME stuff ready for 168. I have everything ready for 111. Well that's not totally true. I have to move over my things in Moodle, but other than that I have it all. We should be meeting to discuss labs that we will be using in 168 to keep things consistent. I am glad because I don't have any labs right now, and that will help me. I have everything set up for 111 labs and stuff though. I will have to look back at my 2022 plan to make sure I am doing the right labs at the right time, but other than that, I have all the things and they are ready. I should be able to move things along fairly smoothly throughout this semester. I am pretty sure that I should be okay with time management and having my things prepared all the way until about October I would think. Then after that, I wouldn't be surprised if I entered into a time or resource crunch. That's about halfway through the semester so...
I wonder what my kids are up to today? Veronica has her first day of first grade a week from today. At a new school. I hope she will like it. I worry about both of them all the time. Not like over worrying I don't think. Just the regular amount.
So I feel lonely. But I don't want to go to the luncheon. I could talk to people, but like... it wouldn't make me feel less lonely, you know? I don't know how to describe it. If I sit at a big table, I know I will be welcomed (thank you coworkers!) but they would mostly talk around me and I just feel so awkward. I would just rather be alone. Like being in my office alone isn't what is making me feel lonely, if that makes any sense at all. ...?
Well I guess I will have my little salad and get to working on fixing up this room and making it organized again. Then I can do a little more work. Just checking in.
Things are moving quick - we have a babysitter meeting the kids today to see if she thinks she can handle them; classes start Thursday, and that is my orientation AND our 10 year wedding anniversary*; Friday I have a babysitter coming so I can take Doug out; Tuesday I have my gym thing in the afternoon; Wednesday I have the psych at 3:00. Lots of stuff.
Yeah so its 10 years on Thursday. WOW! How did time go by so quickly?! I am excited. I also have mixed feelings. Last year Doug kind of forgot. I have talked about it. I can 100% understand why the time slipped by. I'm not mad about it at all. I was hurt though. It felt like that day was unimportant to him. He hasn't talked to me at all about it. We haven't talked about getting a sitter or going out. I wonder if he will remember. Or if he just doesn't think it's important or if he doesn't care. That hurts me. I go all nuts with anxiety trying to make things easier for others and to do anything to show them I care... I just don't feel cared about some times. Maybe I am asking for too much or expect too much. I don't know. Maybe he can't give me anything right now because he has so much going on. Maybe my bad anxiety has made me incredibly unattractive and it's no wonder he wouldn't want to be around me. I just don't know. And I feel lonely.