Sporadic Thoughts
I wonder how many girls out there lost their virginity early. Too early. Too soon that they regret it. I’m not talking about skanky teenagers who just don’t care, I’m talking about innocent young girls that didn’t really know the whole reality behind it. They only get to have a first once, and they look back on it with shame. Those things you can never take back that shape who you are for the rest of your life. Big things.
The future holds a lot of opportunity. It’s opportunity for the taking. It’s mine if I want it. If I can take it. Most people have the skills needed to seize the opportunities of the future, but the most important factor I think is confidence. Not everyone has that, and that’s what you need if you really want to succeed. It doesn’t take much to be a hard worker, basically just patience and a lack of a social life. It doesn’t take much to be smart, just focus, practice, and maybe a little time. But confidence isn’t won over so easily. You have to accomplish to be confident (the main difference between confidence and cocky, in my opinion), and when you’re confident you can accomplish. I don’t really know where it starts, or how it starts, but it does. Somehow you get that first step of confidence to accomplish your goal and then it is allowed to snowball. It has to start somewhere.
Big things. You return home and it’s not the same anymore. You’ve lost that innocence you once had. It’s like handling a crystal figurine. You’re favorite one, sitting on your desk everyday, then one day you decide to drop it on purpose. It breaks and that’s it. It’s over. A quick moment and something’s changed. You can look at the desk again where it used to sit, but the space is empty and it’s not the same anymore. And every time it crosses your mind you feel it inside you. Something. Not regret, depression.
It has to start somewhere. Maybe you feel it inside you at first. Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe. It excites me though. I feel the future as an opportunity and I want to take it so bad. There are so many things to accomplish out there, I want to do them all. I sometimes get caught daydreaming about all the possibilities there are out there and what has yet to be done. I like to create. I want to make something new. I want it to be big. It’s gonna take a lot to go through. Success is never easy, but I’m willing to risk to achieve my dreams. I’ve been through enough to know I can recover.
Not regret, depression. It’s more than just regret. It stings of humiliation with a hint of anger. Anger at yourself, at someone else, at God, at the world; any or all of the above. Regret with a passion. It’s a painful thing to go through, but recovery is the important part. Recovery is the first step. Recovery leads to confidence. When you’ve been through the worst and come back, you know you can shoot for the best and hurdle the defeats. When you can look at your desk and put something else where your figurine used to sit and forget how sacred that spot once was. When remembering is just as good as having. When you’re there, you’ve recovered.
I’ve been through enough to know I can recover. I’ve got my confidence. I’ve got my ambition for life. I’ve got my passion to be great. And more importantly, I’ve got the opportunity. That’s all I really need now. Once I see it it’s mine for the taking. I think about Nationals last year with Sean. I played like I knew I was going to win already. No one said it beforehand, no one thought that conciously, but I knew it inside. I think about Ticia and how much I’ve grown. How I started with a risk a year and a half ago and have succeeded far beyond what I imagined. I take this confidence with me to my last semester at Trinity. My last few months with the friends who have stuck with me and have helped shape me into who I am today. Friends with a sculpture’s touch. I’m proud of where I am, who I am, and what I have. I’ve got the confidence, now all I have to do is wait for the chance...once again.
The future holds a lot of opportunity. It’s opportunity for the taking. It’s mine if I want it. If I can take it. Most people have the skills needed to seize the opportunities of the future, but the most important factor I think is confidence. Not everyone has that, and that’s what you need if you really want to succeed. It doesn’t take much to be a hard worker, basically just patience and a lack of a social life. It doesn’t take much to be smart, just focus, practice, and maybe a little time. But confidence isn’t won over so easily. You have to accomplish to be confident (the main difference between confidence and cocky, in my opinion), and when you’re confident you can accomplish. I don’t really know where it starts, or how it starts, but it does. Somehow you get that first step of confidence to accomplish your goal and then it is allowed to snowball. It has to start somewhere.
Big things. You return home and it’s not the same anymore. You’ve lost that innocence you once had. It’s like handling a crystal figurine. You’re favorite one, sitting on your desk everyday, then one day you decide to drop it on purpose. It breaks and that’s it. It’s over. A quick moment and something’s changed. You can look at the desk again where it used to sit, but the space is empty and it’s not the same anymore. And every time it crosses your mind you feel it inside you. Something. Not regret, depression.
It has to start somewhere. Maybe you feel it inside you at first. Maybe you’re born with it. Maybe. It excites me though. I feel the future as an opportunity and I want to take it so bad. There are so many things to accomplish out there, I want to do them all. I sometimes get caught daydreaming about all the possibilities there are out there and what has yet to be done. I like to create. I want to make something new. I want it to be big. It’s gonna take a lot to go through. Success is never easy, but I’m willing to risk to achieve my dreams. I’ve been through enough to know I can recover.
Not regret, depression. It’s more than just regret. It stings of humiliation with a hint of anger. Anger at yourself, at someone else, at God, at the world; any or all of the above. Regret with a passion. It’s a painful thing to go through, but recovery is the important part. Recovery is the first step. Recovery leads to confidence. When you’ve been through the worst and come back, you know you can shoot for the best and hurdle the defeats. When you can look at your desk and put something else where your figurine used to sit and forget how sacred that spot once was. When remembering is just as good as having. When you’re there, you’ve recovered.
I’ve been through enough to know I can recover. I’ve got my confidence. I’ve got my ambition for life. I’ve got my passion to be great. And more importantly, I’ve got the opportunity. That’s all I really need now. Once I see it it’s mine for the taking. I think about Nationals last year with Sean. I played like I knew I was going to win already. No one said it beforehand, no one thought that conciously, but I knew it inside. I think about Ticia and how much I’ve grown. How I started with a risk a year and a half ago and have succeeded far beyond what I imagined. I take this confidence with me to my last semester at Trinity. My last few months with the friends who have stuck with me and have helped shape me into who I am today. Friends with a sculpture’s touch. I’m proud of where I am, who I am, and what I have. I’ve got the confidence, now all I have to do is wait for the chance...once again.