(Untitled)
I don’t know what’s changed since my first two years. Maybe it’s me. I was at the top, I was the best. I was where everyone wanted to be. I was there cause I wanted it most and I worked the hardest (well, that and a couple injured people my first year). But somewhere in between the first and second semesters last year there was a changing of the guard. I let it slip away and I seemed to keep stumbling trying to get it back.
My coach once told me I was like a stallion, because stallions always want to be the leader of the pack. And for a short while I was. But I’ve drifted behind and my voice feels to be overshadowed by a larger crowd. I feel so disheartened out on the courts. I feel like I’m letting myself down. It’s my last chance and I can’t perform at the level I think I should be.
I thought about quitting a lot last semester. I wanted to, but the only thing that kept me from doing was the chance to defend my national title with Sean. But in the end we didn’t even get that chance. A part of me wants to again now, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll regret it. But I’m unhappy, and I’m so tired of fighting. I always seem to be fighting, and fighting alone at that. I don’t feel like I fit anymore, and I don’t feel like I belong. The reason for this is simple. At first, when I was leading the team, I felt looked up to. My teammates took my advice and stood behind me. But now it seems like I’m just being shuffled around and not really noticed. I feel as though people recognize that I’m there, but little above that. Some teammates might say that they need me. Need me to help the team win nationals this year. But none, save maybe DJ and Nick, would instinctively say that they want me there. The only want that they’d have would be their desire to win a championship, and I’m merely a means to help them get that.
For the first time, I don’t think there’s any more potential to fulfill. I reached my high nearly a year ago. Nowhere to go there but down. I’m tired of the burden. So tired. I don’t want to always feel like I have to fight for my place. I wish for once I could just fall into it, and fit. I haven’t seem to fit for some time now. I feel so lost.
Do I quit? It’ll make things so much easier. But will I regret it? Will I regret maybe my last chance to do something great again? Can I live with just being another face in the crowd? I don’t think I can. Can I keep fighting harder until I’m standing above? I just don’t know anymore. It causes so much anguish, and so much disappointment. I always feel lesser than. Does anybody even care? Will any of them give it much thought past their own desire to win? I really don’t think they will. Which is what makes it so hard to keep fighting. Can I just end it and set myself free from constant defeat? I want to give up for a change. Just give myself a rest. There’s no way to be lost, to let down others, to feel inferior, if you never even try. And for the first time, that sounds really appealing. Easy freedom. ...freedom.
My coach once told me I was like a stallion, because stallions always want to be the leader of the pack. And for a short while I was. But I’ve drifted behind and my voice feels to be overshadowed by a larger crowd. I feel so disheartened out on the courts. I feel like I’m letting myself down. It’s my last chance and I can’t perform at the level I think I should be.
I thought about quitting a lot last semester. I wanted to, but the only thing that kept me from doing was the chance to defend my national title with Sean. But in the end we didn’t even get that chance. A part of me wants to again now, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid I’ll regret it. But I’m unhappy, and I’m so tired of fighting. I always seem to be fighting, and fighting alone at that. I don’t feel like I fit anymore, and I don’t feel like I belong. The reason for this is simple. At first, when I was leading the team, I felt looked up to. My teammates took my advice and stood behind me. But now it seems like I’m just being shuffled around and not really noticed. I feel as though people recognize that I’m there, but little above that. Some teammates might say that they need me. Need me to help the team win nationals this year. But none, save maybe DJ and Nick, would instinctively say that they want me there. The only want that they’d have would be their desire to win a championship, and I’m merely a means to help them get that.
For the first time, I don’t think there’s any more potential to fulfill. I reached my high nearly a year ago. Nowhere to go there but down. I’m tired of the burden. So tired. I don’t want to always feel like I have to fight for my place. I wish for once I could just fall into it, and fit. I haven’t seem to fit for some time now. I feel so lost.
Do I quit? It’ll make things so much easier. But will I regret it? Will I regret maybe my last chance to do something great again? Can I live with just being another face in the crowd? I don’t think I can. Can I keep fighting harder until I’m standing above? I just don’t know anymore. It causes so much anguish, and so much disappointment. I always feel lesser than. Does anybody even care? Will any of them give it much thought past their own desire to win? I really don’t think they will. Which is what makes it so hard to keep fighting. Can I just end it and set myself free from constant defeat? I want to give up for a change. Just give myself a rest. There’s no way to be lost, to let down others, to feel inferior, if you never even try. And for the first time, that sounds really appealing. Easy freedom. ...freedom.