[FIC] Let's Not...
Title: Let's Not...
Author: mi_iseul
Genre: Angst
Rating: G/PG?
Pairing: broken!Kyu/Mi
Summary: Thanks (in part) to a series of notes Kyuhyun receives, he breaks up with Zhou Mi without an explanation, except for a song.
The letter was in basic Chinese characters, ones that even Kyuhyun could recognise without any help from the others.
Kui Xian
Leave Zhou Mi alone. He's better than you'll ever hope to be. Why are you always hanging around him, anyway? Is it in the hopes that some of his talent will rub off on you? Give up. He's just too good for you. I hope he sees this for himself and leaves you. You shouldn't be in China - go back to Korea where you came from. You're not welcome here.
They were always unsigned but in the same basic characters and handwriting. Kyuhyun crumpled up the paper in his fist and sat at his desk, his head resting on his forearms as he tried to calm himself down. These letters had been coming almost since SJ-M had been announced and began performing in China and had only increased with the release of Super Girl and their mini-album. He'd been able to laugh it off as just another childish anti attack but when it became clear that he was the only target of the letters, not Mi or Henry, it became less of a laughing matter.
The door to his room opened and Mi poked his head through, the smile on his face dimming when he saw Kyuhyun at the desk, looking upset.
"Is something wrong?" Mi asked, closing the door behind him as he went to stand behind Kyuhyun, his hands on the younger man's shoulders.
Shrugging Mi's hands from his shoulders, Kyuhyun took a deep breath. "I think we should break up."
The smile fell from Mi's face as he sat heavily on the bed and stared at Kyuhyun. "What? Why?" he asked, his tone soft and confused. "Have I done something wrong?"
"No," Kyuhyun replied, still not looking at him. "I just...think we should break up. That's all." His voice was very quiet, almost a whisper, and Mi struggled with the words he was hearing, unable to believe it.
"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked sharply, his voice like a whip against Kyuhyun's shoulders. "It's not very funny if it is..."
Kyuhyun rounded on him. "It's not a joke and I don't think it's very funny at all. I'm breaking up with you. Is that really so hard for you to understand?" he said harshly, his voice cracking a little at the expression of shock and dismay on Mi's face. It didn't make things any easier for him. "I don't want to go out with you any more. Got that?"
Mi stood up, his expression blank as he turned and headed for the door without a word, not even slamming the door behind him like most others would in his situation. Out in the hall, Henry looked at him with surprise but didn't say anything, somehow recognising that Mi needed privacy as he opened the door to his own room and went in to sit on his bed and think about what had just happened.
Everything had gone wrong as soon as they'd gotten back to their apartment-hotel that evening. There had been a lot more people there than usual, shoving cameras in their faces and jostling them until an accidental shove by someone had Mi sprawled on his back in the middle of the road with a car heading straight for him. He'd been pulled out of the way by Siwon and Geng as Kyuhyun watched, rigid with shock. Mi was checked over by their manager who'd told the gathered paparazzi and fans to leave in an angry voice, waving his arms and speaking loudly until they gave the boys some space to move.
He'd been fine, if a little shocked by what had happened, but the memory of Kyuhyun's face as he stood there, the horror and fear in his eyes, stayed with him as he sat on the bed mulling over the events of the past hour. Try as he might, the only thing he could think of was that perhaps the near-accident on their way into the apartment had something to do with Kyuhyun's decision to break up with him.
A knock came at the door, interrupting his thoughts, and at his assent, Henry opened it and stood at the doorway.
"Geng-ge says dinner's ready," he said quietly, not immune to the tension that seemed to have hit their apartment since they'd gotten back. At Mi's headshake, Henry insisted. "You guys haven't eaten since lunch and I don't think he's gonna like it if you don't come..."
"I'm sorry, Henry, but I'm not really hungry," Mi replied softly and turned away, dismissing the younger man who sighed and closed the door behind him to go try Kyuhyun next.
Kyuhyun didn't even bother to answer the door, just sat at the desk staring blankly at his computer screen, for once not even immersing himself in a game to de-stress. How was he going to face Mi, or for that matter, the rest of them? Kyuhyun was aware that they all felt that his relationship with Mi was good for both of them, and would be disappointed that he'd broken it off with little explanation.
It didn't take long for Geng himself to come to their apartment, asking to talk to Mi first, when he heard things were strained between them and they weren't coming to dinner. Sitting down beside Mi, he sighed and took a good look at his still shaken-up friend.
"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked, putting a hand on Mi's shoulder in an effort to comfort him.
Mi shrugged. "From the incident, yeah. From...Kui Xian....I don't know," he said honestly, his head down so Geng couldn't see his eyes. At the mention of Kyuhyun, Geng looked confused. What did he have to do with this?
"What's going on?" he asked, the confusion plain.
"Kui Xian.... broke up with me," Mi replied softly, the anguish apparent in his voice despite the softness. "I don't know why. He wouldn't tell me...." He turned to Geng so the older man could finally see the pain in his eyes. "He wouldn't even look at me, Geng. If I'd done something, I would understand, but I haven't...."
Stunned, Geng sat there, not knowing what to say that would help the situation. He needed to talk to Kyuhyun. Standing up and patting Mi again, he promised he'd try to find out what Kyuhyun had to say for himself.
"I'll talk to him and find out what's going on," he said, a small smile of encouragement on his face. "In the meantime, come have something to eat. Everything is better on a full stomach, or so mama always says..." At Mi's shake of his head, Geng sighed. "Think about it. I'll keep some to the side for you if you change your mind..."
Waving his thanks, Mi watched with sad eyes as Geng closed the door behind him, then turned around again and sat staring at the opposite wall, completely lost. Thinking back on the past few weeks, he was at a loss to explain Kyuhyun's sudden change of heart, the break-up coming as a complete surprise to him, and he supposed, to everyone else as well. He hoped that Geng would have better luck getting an explanation out of Kyuhyun, but at the same time, knowing the young man as well as he did, he knew it would be a lot harder than everyone thought to get a straight answer out of him if he didn't want to give it.
Geng rapped lightly on the door to Kyuhyun's room then opened it, knowing Kyuhyun wouldn't answer anyway. At the young man's startled expression, Geng sighed.
"You owe Mi an explanation, you know..." he said gently, noticing that the screen on Kyuhyun's laptop was blank. So he hadn't been on the computer at all. That was very unlike him and it worried Geng even more than the break-up.
Kyuhyun shook his head and turned away, holding the crumpled paper tighter in his fist so Geng wouldn't see it. He hadn't told anyone about the notes he'd gotten, throwing them away as soon as he'd read them, and if he had any choice in the matter, nobody would know of it but him and the sender. It wasn't anyone else's business anyway, as far as he was concerned.
"Go away, Hyung," he said quietly, averting his face so Geng wouldn't see his pained expression. "I don't want to talk about it."
How could he tell the others about the notes when they only said outright what he felt anyway? That he wasn't good enough for Mi, that he wasn't able to protect him like he should be able to, and that Mi was better off without him. It wasn't just that day's events and letter that had him feeling like this but an accumulation of over a year's worth of feelings that had grown until he couldn't deal with it any more.
It had begun with the horrible chanting that both Henry and Mi had been subjected to during their concerts, then the hate mail and the presumed attempts at poisoning their food and drinks. Thanks to the attack on Yunho, the security relating to their food and drinks was ramped up until nobody could get anything past them that was in any way compromised but Kyuhyun was sure that hadn't stopped people from trying. Plus the letters he'd been sent. How they'd managed to get these through to him without anyone else seeing them, he had no idea, but fans were crazy sometimes.
It just pointed to the fact that he couldn't stop these things from happening and as such, was a failure as both a friend and boyfriend. Upsetting though that idea was, Kyuhyun felt that if he sidelined himself, then perhaps Mi would find it easier to move on and find someone worthy of him. Not someone like Kyuhyun who could barely protect himself let alone someone else.
"You're going to have to," Geng insisted softly, coming to sit on the bed beside Kyuhyun's desk and looking at him pointedly.
"This affects the group as a whole, not just you and Mi, so sooner or later you're going to have to tell us what's going on. And you owe him an explanation regardless. It's not fair of you to just end it like that with no reason..."
Kyuhyun rounded on him furiously. "Don't you presume to tell me what's fair, Hyung," he began, his face flushed with anger that he knew was defensive but couldn't help it. Geng's words had pushed the wrong buttons. "If life was fair, we wouldn't have to keep going through this...." He made a grimace of frustration. "This stupid shit."
"I don't care that this is what's supposed to come with being 'famous'. I don't want it and I know you don't either. And I don't need you coming in and telling me what I should or shouldn't do where my love life is concerned, so butt the fuck out of business that doesn't concern you!"
Taken aback by Kyuhyun's reaction to his simple words, Geng sat with his mouth open in shock for a few moments before the automatic reaction kicked in (helped in part by his years spent around Siwon and Heechul).
"Language," he admonished, sighing at Kyuhyun's defensiveness. There was definitely more to this than met the eye, but what? If Kyuhyun wasn't going to say anything to him, he'd just have to try and find out some other way, or wait until the young singer was willing and/or able to talk about it. Sooner or later, he'd have it out of him, Geng knew that much. He hadn't spent years around Heechul for nothing.
Ignoring Kyuhyun's muttered 'shut up', Geng sighed and stood up, patting the young man's shoulder.
"I know you don't like it, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm the closest person you have to your parents right now and you need a parent's advice. Talk to Mi and tell him what's going through your mind," he advised, his tone gentle. "You might find things are not quite how you think..."
"You're wrong, Hyung," Kyuhyun replied tiredly, shrugging off Geng's hand and turning away. "Please... just leave me alone, ok? I need time to think..."
Geng sighed again. This was going to be even harder than he thought.
"Come and have dinner. Mi's already turned it down so you won't have to face him yet..." he invited, though he knew Kyuhyun would turn him down, just as Mi had done. He shrugged as Kyuhyun shook his head. "I'll save some for you too, then," he finished, then left the room and the apartment, leaving Kyuhyun and Mi in their respective rooms.
------------------------
The next few days had been tense, not just because of the show tapings, performances, and concerts they were giving, but because of the continuing silence between Kyuhyun and Mi. By now the rest of them were aware that Kyuhyun had broken up with Mi, but not why as he still refused to give a proper reason.
Outside of the professional that everyone saw on television, Kyuhyun became withdrawn and silent, chosing to sit away from everyone else wherever he could and not talking to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Geng was becoming increasingly worried about him and had spoken to Leeteuk, who'd just told him to keep an eye on things and that he'd talk to Kyuhyun when they gathered for the Super Show rehearsals. Even that failed with Kyuhyun evading all attempts at talking.
Kyuhyun was more subdued than usual as he took his position on stage beside Yesung for the rehearsal of 'Let's Not...'. He'd noticed Mi slip away and seat himself in the audience and had to fight not to look away as the opening bars of the song began, his voice quiet at first, then growing louder as he sang.
As far as he was concerned, this was going to be his only explanation, and Kyuhyun hoped that Mi understood because he didn't think he'd be able to go through this again. The lyrics expressed everything he wanted to say perfectly and as he sang, he gazed out at Mi, hoping that his message had gotten through to the older man.
About three-quarters of the way through the song, Mi got up abruptly and left the hall, Kyuhyun's eyes following him as he opened the doors and disappeared. Both Yesung and Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun in concern as they finished the rehearsal and went backstage, the younger singer appearing blank-faced and almost automated. He gave the microphone to a stagehand, picked up his next change of clothing and disappeared in the crush of performers and stylists.
Geng caught up with Kyuhyun at the entrance to the dressing room, a piece of paper in his hand and an angry look on his face. Grabbing Kyuhyun by the arm, he pulled the young man into the deserted room and locked the door behind them.
"Care to explain this?" he asked, handing the letter to Kyuhyun, the younger man scanning it and going pale. When Kyuhyun didn't answer, Geng led him to the sofa and sat him down, sitting beside him with a sigh.
"Henry found this on top of your suitcase as he was leaving and gave it to me to give to you...." Geng continued, feeling a headache coming on. "How long have you been getting these and are they all like this?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Kyuhyun replied, his voice soft and sounding on the verge of tears. Geng hated what he was going to have to do, but he felt he had no other option left to him.
"I'm not giving you the choice, Kui Xian," he said firmly, his expression turning hard. "I asked you how long you've been getting these and I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what is going on."
Crossing his arms in front of his chest and leaning back on the sofa, Geng waited.
Crumpling the letter like he'd done with all the others that preceded it, Kyuhyun's hand formed a fist that shook as he tried to rein in both his temper and his tears. Neither of these emotions were going to get him out of this situation. Eventually he released the breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and began to speak, almost inaudible at first so that Geng had to strain to hear him.
"Since Super Junior M debuted," he mumbled, looking down at his hands, still fisted in his lap. "They pretty much all said the same as I've been feeling - that I'm not good enough for Mimi...that I should quit and go home, give up on seeing him. I can't protect myself from these things, so how can I expect to protect him?"
Unbeknownst to the two young men in the room, Mi was standing outside the dressing room and had heard Kyuhyun's voice, stopping to listen to whatever he could hear.
"Especially when both he and Henry were treated so badly by the fans. Even worse than I was when I first joined Super Junior. You know what that's like, since you had to face it too!" Kyuhyun's voice had risen since he'd begun speaking until it was nearly a shout.
Geng gave a wry chuckle. "Don't you think Mi's a little old to need protecting?" he asked, his tone sarcastic. "And you might have asked him if he wanted you to do this. I think you-..."
Kyuhyun interrupted him. "It's not about age or gender or anything like that," he said tiredly, blinking back tears.
"You still care about him, don't you?" Geng asked him gently, moving to give Kyuhyun a careful hug then releasing him. "Why don't you give him a chance to tell you..."
Shaking his head, Kyuhyun pushed the older man away and stood up, sniffling a little. "It's because I care about him that I have to do this. You, of all people, should understand. And I hope after the rehearsal, that Mi understands too..."
As he spoke, he headed for the door, unlocking and opening it, only to stand there in shock at the sight of Mi looking back at him with a heartbroken expression on his face.
"What are you doing here?" Kyuhyun asked sharply, ducking his head and wiping a hand across his eyes so Mi wouldn't see his tears and so he wouldn't have to see the devastated expression on Mi's face.
"Kui Xian...please..."
"No. Don't," he replied, pushing past Mi and out into the hallway. "I told you. I can't do this any more. And I can't let you try to talk me out of it. You heard me and I know you understood the meaning behind the song, so please. Just leave it at that and find someone else who deserves your..."
He almost choked on the words, his back to Mi and Geng. "Someone who deserves your love and attention. Who is not me..."
"Kui Xian!"
Mi's cry followed Kyuhyun as he bolted, sprinting through the hallways and out to the back of the rehearsal hall where he stopped to catch his breath, tears falling unashamedly from his eyes. It had been so incredibly hard to resist Mi, especially when he looked and sounded like that, but it had to be done, Kyuhyun told himself firmly.
Kyuhyun sat down behind one of the many vehicles at the back of the hall and tried to calm himself down. He knew the others would come after him once they figured out where he'd gone and he had to have something to tell them once they did, but for once, Kyuhyun's mind wasn't cooperating and came up blank.
He closed his eyes, then opened them as he heard a voice beside him.
"You're an idiot..." Heechul said scornfully, then walked over to him and pulled him up, shaking him roughly. "You've just hurt Seasoning and I don't know how to fix things. It's not even up to me but you're not man enough..."
"Shut up," Kyuhyun snapped back, his eyes angry. "You have no right to say anything to me, after what happened between you and Geng," he said sharply, a small frisson of satisfaction making him smirk at Heechul's reaction - he looked as if Kyuhyun had just slapped him.
"Leave him out of this," Heechul warned, his voice cold as he shook Kyuhyun again. "And anyway, this is about you and Seasoning. And what is this I've heard about notes? You should know better than to listen to that shit!"
"It's not the notes," Kyuhyun replied, sagging in Heechul's grasp and making the older man look at him closely. "They just echo what I've been feeling for a long time now and it's just....it's not right. I can't give him what he needs, so the least he deserves is someone who can."
"Bullshit." Heechul snorted.
"Don't you think you're a bit too hard on yourself? You're also not thinking about him. You're thinking about yourself. You're afraid to get hurt, aren't you?" he said, knowing he'd hit the mark when Kyuhyun twitched.
"So instead you hurt Mi." Another snort, this time of derision. "I never thought I'd say this to you, of all people, but you're a fucking bastard and you'd better sort this out."
Shaking his head, Kyuhyun looked at the ground. "I already have done. It's over...." he said quietly, all fight gone out of him. "I'm not going back on what I've done or said. I can't."
"Weren't you listening?" Heechul said angrily. "Bull. Shit. You can do whatever you want but you're not man enough...."
"Heechul-ge....please..."
Mi's voice cut across whatever Heechul was going to say, the two men looking up to see him standing at the hall's back door, his eyes red and puffy. Kyuhyun couldn't bear to look any more and lowered his eyes again, staring at the tips of his shoes and ignoring the shake Heechul gave him before releasing him.
His glance evaluating Mi as he walked up to him, Heechul sighed and patted his shoulder before he disappeared into the hall, presumably going to find Geng and/or Siwon to try and talk some sense into Kyuhyun where he had failed. Mi stayed watching Kyuhyun for several long moments before he sighed softly.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he said quietly, not moving from his position at the door. "There is nothing I can say or do to change your mind?" At Kyuhyun's silent headshake, he sighed again. "Then I guess there's nothing the others can do either. I'll go tell them to leave you alone...and I won't bother you any more..."
As Mi turned to go, trying to keep the tears that burned his eyes from falling in front of Kyuhyun, the other man spoke up, his voice shaky.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun whispered, blinking back tears. "Heechul is right. But I still can't....I'm sorry."
Mi didn't turn around, but a sad smile curved his lips for a brief second. "I understand. More than you think..." he replied just as softly. "And I'm sorry too. For not protecting you in return...for not making you feel you could trust me with this..."
"Can we at least be friends?" Mi sounded hopeful; Kyuhyun was still important to him and he wanted more than anything to be able to see and touch him, even if just as a friend rather than a lover.
Kyuhyun nodded slowly with a sigh of his own. "I think so. In time...just...wait for a bit?" he asked, sounding defeated.
At Mi's answering nod, he pushed himself off the car he'd been leaning against and walked towards the door. "I guess we should go tell them..." he said quietly, then looked up at Mi sadly.
Mi nodded again and waited for him to pass, carefully not touching him. It would be hard, but they'd get through this and hopefully be better friends for it.
Author: mi_iseul
Genre: Angst
Rating: G/PG?
Pairing: broken!Kyu/Mi
Summary: Thanks (in part) to a series of notes Kyuhyun receives, he breaks up with Zhou Mi without an explanation, except for a song.
The letter was in basic Chinese characters, ones that even Kyuhyun could recognise without any help from the others.
Kui Xian
Leave Zhou Mi alone. He's better than you'll ever hope to be. Why are you always hanging around him, anyway? Is it in the hopes that some of his talent will rub off on you? Give up. He's just too good for you. I hope he sees this for himself and leaves you. You shouldn't be in China - go back to Korea where you came from. You're not welcome here.
They were always unsigned but in the same basic characters and handwriting. Kyuhyun crumpled up the paper in his fist and sat at his desk, his head resting on his forearms as he tried to calm himself down. These letters had been coming almost since SJ-M had been announced and began performing in China and had only increased with the release of Super Girl and their mini-album. He'd been able to laugh it off as just another childish anti attack but when it became clear that he was the only target of the letters, not Mi or Henry, it became less of a laughing matter.
The door to his room opened and Mi poked his head through, the smile on his face dimming when he saw Kyuhyun at the desk, looking upset.
"Is something wrong?" Mi asked, closing the door behind him as he went to stand behind Kyuhyun, his hands on the younger man's shoulders.
Shrugging Mi's hands from his shoulders, Kyuhyun took a deep breath. "I think we should break up."
The smile fell from Mi's face as he sat heavily on the bed and stared at Kyuhyun. "What? Why?" he asked, his tone soft and confused. "Have I done something wrong?"
"No," Kyuhyun replied, still not looking at him. "I just...think we should break up. That's all." His voice was very quiet, almost a whisper, and Mi struggled with the words he was hearing, unable to believe it.
"Is this some kind of joke?" he asked sharply, his voice like a whip against Kyuhyun's shoulders. "It's not very funny if it is..."
Kyuhyun rounded on him. "It's not a joke and I don't think it's very funny at all. I'm breaking up with you. Is that really so hard for you to understand?" he said harshly, his voice cracking a little at the expression of shock and dismay on Mi's face. It didn't make things any easier for him. "I don't want to go out with you any more. Got that?"
Mi stood up, his expression blank as he turned and headed for the door without a word, not even slamming the door behind him like most others would in his situation. Out in the hall, Henry looked at him with surprise but didn't say anything, somehow recognising that Mi needed privacy as he opened the door to his own room and went in to sit on his bed and think about what had just happened.
Everything had gone wrong as soon as they'd gotten back to their apartment-hotel that evening. There had been a lot more people there than usual, shoving cameras in their faces and jostling them until an accidental shove by someone had Mi sprawled on his back in the middle of the road with a car heading straight for him. He'd been pulled out of the way by Siwon and Geng as Kyuhyun watched, rigid with shock. Mi was checked over by their manager who'd told the gathered paparazzi and fans to leave in an angry voice, waving his arms and speaking loudly until they gave the boys some space to move.
He'd been fine, if a little shocked by what had happened, but the memory of Kyuhyun's face as he stood there, the horror and fear in his eyes, stayed with him as he sat on the bed mulling over the events of the past hour. Try as he might, the only thing he could think of was that perhaps the near-accident on their way into the apartment had something to do with Kyuhyun's decision to break up with him.
A knock came at the door, interrupting his thoughts, and at his assent, Henry opened it and stood at the doorway.
"Geng-ge says dinner's ready," he said quietly, not immune to the tension that seemed to have hit their apartment since they'd gotten back. At Mi's headshake, Henry insisted. "You guys haven't eaten since lunch and I don't think he's gonna like it if you don't come..."
"I'm sorry, Henry, but I'm not really hungry," Mi replied softly and turned away, dismissing the younger man who sighed and closed the door behind him to go try Kyuhyun next.
Kyuhyun didn't even bother to answer the door, just sat at the desk staring blankly at his computer screen, for once not even immersing himself in a game to de-stress. How was he going to face Mi, or for that matter, the rest of them? Kyuhyun was aware that they all felt that his relationship with Mi was good for both of them, and would be disappointed that he'd broken it off with little explanation.
It didn't take long for Geng himself to come to their apartment, asking to talk to Mi first, when he heard things were strained between them and they weren't coming to dinner. Sitting down beside Mi, he sighed and took a good look at his still shaken-up friend.
"Are you sure you're ok?" he asked, putting a hand on Mi's shoulder in an effort to comfort him.
Mi shrugged. "From the incident, yeah. From...Kui Xian....I don't know," he said honestly, his head down so Geng couldn't see his eyes. At the mention of Kyuhyun, Geng looked confused. What did he have to do with this?
"What's going on?" he asked, the confusion plain.
"Kui Xian.... broke up with me," Mi replied softly, the anguish apparent in his voice despite the softness. "I don't know why. He wouldn't tell me...." He turned to Geng so the older man could finally see the pain in his eyes. "He wouldn't even look at me, Geng. If I'd done something, I would understand, but I haven't...."
Stunned, Geng sat there, not knowing what to say that would help the situation. He needed to talk to Kyuhyun. Standing up and patting Mi again, he promised he'd try to find out what Kyuhyun had to say for himself.
"I'll talk to him and find out what's going on," he said, a small smile of encouragement on his face. "In the meantime, come have something to eat. Everything is better on a full stomach, or so mama always says..." At Mi's shake of his head, Geng sighed. "Think about it. I'll keep some to the side for you if you change your mind..."
Waving his thanks, Mi watched with sad eyes as Geng closed the door behind him, then turned around again and sat staring at the opposite wall, completely lost. Thinking back on the past few weeks, he was at a loss to explain Kyuhyun's sudden change of heart, the break-up coming as a complete surprise to him, and he supposed, to everyone else as well. He hoped that Geng would have better luck getting an explanation out of Kyuhyun, but at the same time, knowing the young man as well as he did, he knew it would be a lot harder than everyone thought to get a straight answer out of him if he didn't want to give it.
Geng rapped lightly on the door to Kyuhyun's room then opened it, knowing Kyuhyun wouldn't answer anyway. At the young man's startled expression, Geng sighed.
"You owe Mi an explanation, you know..." he said gently, noticing that the screen on Kyuhyun's laptop was blank. So he hadn't been on the computer at all. That was very unlike him and it worried Geng even more than the break-up.
Kyuhyun shook his head and turned away, holding the crumpled paper tighter in his fist so Geng wouldn't see it. He hadn't told anyone about the notes he'd gotten, throwing them away as soon as he'd read them, and if he had any choice in the matter, nobody would know of it but him and the sender. It wasn't anyone else's business anyway, as far as he was concerned.
"Go away, Hyung," he said quietly, averting his face so Geng wouldn't see his pained expression. "I don't want to talk about it."
How could he tell the others about the notes when they only said outright what he felt anyway? That he wasn't good enough for Mi, that he wasn't able to protect him like he should be able to, and that Mi was better off without him. It wasn't just that day's events and letter that had him feeling like this but an accumulation of over a year's worth of feelings that had grown until he couldn't deal with it any more.
It had begun with the horrible chanting that both Henry and Mi had been subjected to during their concerts, then the hate mail and the presumed attempts at poisoning their food and drinks. Thanks to the attack on Yunho, the security relating to their food and drinks was ramped up until nobody could get anything past them that was in any way compromised but Kyuhyun was sure that hadn't stopped people from trying. Plus the letters he'd been sent. How they'd managed to get these through to him without anyone else seeing them, he had no idea, but fans were crazy sometimes.
It just pointed to the fact that he couldn't stop these things from happening and as such, was a failure as both a friend and boyfriend. Upsetting though that idea was, Kyuhyun felt that if he sidelined himself, then perhaps Mi would find it easier to move on and find someone worthy of him. Not someone like Kyuhyun who could barely protect himself let alone someone else.
"You're going to have to," Geng insisted softly, coming to sit on the bed beside Kyuhyun's desk and looking at him pointedly.
"This affects the group as a whole, not just you and Mi, so sooner or later you're going to have to tell us what's going on. And you owe him an explanation regardless. It's not fair of you to just end it like that with no reason..."
Kyuhyun rounded on him furiously. "Don't you presume to tell me what's fair, Hyung," he began, his face flushed with anger that he knew was defensive but couldn't help it. Geng's words had pushed the wrong buttons. "If life was fair, we wouldn't have to keep going through this...." He made a grimace of frustration. "This stupid shit."
"I don't care that this is what's supposed to come with being 'famous'. I don't want it and I know you don't either. And I don't need you coming in and telling me what I should or shouldn't do where my love life is concerned, so butt the fuck out of business that doesn't concern you!"
Taken aback by Kyuhyun's reaction to his simple words, Geng sat with his mouth open in shock for a few moments before the automatic reaction kicked in (helped in part by his years spent around Siwon and Heechul).
"Language," he admonished, sighing at Kyuhyun's defensiveness. There was definitely more to this than met the eye, but what? If Kyuhyun wasn't going to say anything to him, he'd just have to try and find out some other way, or wait until the young singer was willing and/or able to talk about it. Sooner or later, he'd have it out of him, Geng knew that much. He hadn't spent years around Heechul for nothing.
Ignoring Kyuhyun's muttered 'shut up', Geng sighed and stood up, patting the young man's shoulder.
"I know you don't like it, but as far as I'm concerned, I'm the closest person you have to your parents right now and you need a parent's advice. Talk to Mi and tell him what's going through your mind," he advised, his tone gentle. "You might find things are not quite how you think..."
"You're wrong, Hyung," Kyuhyun replied tiredly, shrugging off Geng's hand and turning away. "Please... just leave me alone, ok? I need time to think..."
Geng sighed again. This was going to be even harder than he thought.
"Come and have dinner. Mi's already turned it down so you won't have to face him yet..." he invited, though he knew Kyuhyun would turn him down, just as Mi had done. He shrugged as Kyuhyun shook his head. "I'll save some for you too, then," he finished, then left the room and the apartment, leaving Kyuhyun and Mi in their respective rooms.
------------------------
The next few days had been tense, not just because of the show tapings, performances, and concerts they were giving, but because of the continuing silence between Kyuhyun and Mi. By now the rest of them were aware that Kyuhyun had broken up with Mi, but not why as he still refused to give a proper reason.
Outside of the professional that everyone saw on television, Kyuhyun became withdrawn and silent, chosing to sit away from everyone else wherever he could and not talking to anyone unless absolutely necessary. Geng was becoming increasingly worried about him and had spoken to Leeteuk, who'd just told him to keep an eye on things and that he'd talk to Kyuhyun when they gathered for the Super Show rehearsals. Even that failed with Kyuhyun evading all attempts at talking.
Kyuhyun was more subdued than usual as he took his position on stage beside Yesung for the rehearsal of 'Let's Not...'. He'd noticed Mi slip away and seat himself in the audience and had to fight not to look away as the opening bars of the song began, his voice quiet at first, then growing louder as he sang.
As far as he was concerned, this was going to be his only explanation, and Kyuhyun hoped that Mi understood because he didn't think he'd be able to go through this again. The lyrics expressed everything he wanted to say perfectly and as he sang, he gazed out at Mi, hoping that his message had gotten through to the older man.
About three-quarters of the way through the song, Mi got up abruptly and left the hall, Kyuhyun's eyes following him as he opened the doors and disappeared. Both Yesung and Ryeowook looked at Kyuhyun in concern as they finished the rehearsal and went backstage, the younger singer appearing blank-faced and almost automated. He gave the microphone to a stagehand, picked up his next change of clothing and disappeared in the crush of performers and stylists.
Geng caught up with Kyuhyun at the entrance to the dressing room, a piece of paper in his hand and an angry look on his face. Grabbing Kyuhyun by the arm, he pulled the young man into the deserted room and locked the door behind them.
"Care to explain this?" he asked, handing the letter to Kyuhyun, the younger man scanning it and going pale. When Kyuhyun didn't answer, Geng led him to the sofa and sat him down, sitting beside him with a sigh.
"Henry found this on top of your suitcase as he was leaving and gave it to me to give to you...." Geng continued, feeling a headache coming on. "How long have you been getting these and are they all like this?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Kyuhyun replied, his voice soft and sounding on the verge of tears. Geng hated what he was going to have to do, but he felt he had no other option left to him.
"I'm not giving you the choice, Kui Xian," he said firmly, his expression turning hard. "I asked you how long you've been getting these and I'm not letting you leave until you tell me what is going on."
Crossing his arms in front of his chest and leaning back on the sofa, Geng waited.
Crumpling the letter like he'd done with all the others that preceded it, Kyuhyun's hand formed a fist that shook as he tried to rein in both his temper and his tears. Neither of these emotions were going to get him out of this situation. Eventually he released the breath he hadn't realised he was holding, and began to speak, almost inaudible at first so that Geng had to strain to hear him.
"Since Super Junior M debuted," he mumbled, looking down at his hands, still fisted in his lap. "They pretty much all said the same as I've been feeling - that I'm not good enough for Mimi...that I should quit and go home, give up on seeing him. I can't protect myself from these things, so how can I expect to protect him?"
Unbeknownst to the two young men in the room, Mi was standing outside the dressing room and had heard Kyuhyun's voice, stopping to listen to whatever he could hear.
"Especially when both he and Henry were treated so badly by the fans. Even worse than I was when I first joined Super Junior. You know what that's like, since you had to face it too!" Kyuhyun's voice had risen since he'd begun speaking until it was nearly a shout.
Geng gave a wry chuckle. "Don't you think Mi's a little old to need protecting?" he asked, his tone sarcastic. "And you might have asked him if he wanted you to do this. I think you-..."
Kyuhyun interrupted him. "It's not about age or gender or anything like that," he said tiredly, blinking back tears.
"You still care about him, don't you?" Geng asked him gently, moving to give Kyuhyun a careful hug then releasing him. "Why don't you give him a chance to tell you..."
Shaking his head, Kyuhyun pushed the older man away and stood up, sniffling a little. "It's because I care about him that I have to do this. You, of all people, should understand. And I hope after the rehearsal, that Mi understands too..."
As he spoke, he headed for the door, unlocking and opening it, only to stand there in shock at the sight of Mi looking back at him with a heartbroken expression on his face.
"What are you doing here?" Kyuhyun asked sharply, ducking his head and wiping a hand across his eyes so Mi wouldn't see his tears and so he wouldn't have to see the devastated expression on Mi's face.
"Kui Xian...please..."
"No. Don't," he replied, pushing past Mi and out into the hallway. "I told you. I can't do this any more. And I can't let you try to talk me out of it. You heard me and I know you understood the meaning behind the song, so please. Just leave it at that and find someone else who deserves your..."
He almost choked on the words, his back to Mi and Geng. "Someone who deserves your love and attention. Who is not me..."
"Kui Xian!"
Mi's cry followed Kyuhyun as he bolted, sprinting through the hallways and out to the back of the rehearsal hall where he stopped to catch his breath, tears falling unashamedly from his eyes. It had been so incredibly hard to resist Mi, especially when he looked and sounded like that, but it had to be done, Kyuhyun told himself firmly.
Kyuhyun sat down behind one of the many vehicles at the back of the hall and tried to calm himself down. He knew the others would come after him once they figured out where he'd gone and he had to have something to tell them once they did, but for once, Kyuhyun's mind wasn't cooperating and came up blank.
He closed his eyes, then opened them as he heard a voice beside him.
"You're an idiot..." Heechul said scornfully, then walked over to him and pulled him up, shaking him roughly. "You've just hurt Seasoning and I don't know how to fix things. It's not even up to me but you're not man enough..."
"Shut up," Kyuhyun snapped back, his eyes angry. "You have no right to say anything to me, after what happened between you and Geng," he said sharply, a small frisson of satisfaction making him smirk at Heechul's reaction - he looked as if Kyuhyun had just slapped him.
"Leave him out of this," Heechul warned, his voice cold as he shook Kyuhyun again. "And anyway, this is about you and Seasoning. And what is this I've heard about notes? You should know better than to listen to that shit!"
"It's not the notes," Kyuhyun replied, sagging in Heechul's grasp and making the older man look at him closely. "They just echo what I've been feeling for a long time now and it's just....it's not right. I can't give him what he needs, so the least he deserves is someone who can."
"Bullshit." Heechul snorted.
"Don't you think you're a bit too hard on yourself? You're also not thinking about him. You're thinking about yourself. You're afraid to get hurt, aren't you?" he said, knowing he'd hit the mark when Kyuhyun twitched.
"So instead you hurt Mi." Another snort, this time of derision. "I never thought I'd say this to you, of all people, but you're a fucking bastard and you'd better sort this out."
Shaking his head, Kyuhyun looked at the ground. "I already have done. It's over...." he said quietly, all fight gone out of him. "I'm not going back on what I've done or said. I can't."
"Weren't you listening?" Heechul said angrily. "Bull. Shit. You can do whatever you want but you're not man enough...."
"Heechul-ge....please..."
Mi's voice cut across whatever Heechul was going to say, the two men looking up to see him standing at the hall's back door, his eyes red and puffy. Kyuhyun couldn't bear to look any more and lowered his eyes again, staring at the tips of his shoes and ignoring the shake Heechul gave him before releasing him.
His glance evaluating Mi as he walked up to him, Heechul sighed and patted his shoulder before he disappeared into the hall, presumably going to find Geng and/or Siwon to try and talk some sense into Kyuhyun where he had failed. Mi stayed watching Kyuhyun for several long moments before he sighed softly.
"I'm sorry you feel that way," he said quietly, not moving from his position at the door. "There is nothing I can say or do to change your mind?" At Kyuhyun's silent headshake, he sighed again. "Then I guess there's nothing the others can do either. I'll go tell them to leave you alone...and I won't bother you any more..."
As Mi turned to go, trying to keep the tears that burned his eyes from falling in front of Kyuhyun, the other man spoke up, his voice shaky.
"I'm sorry," Kyuhyun whispered, blinking back tears. "Heechul is right. But I still can't....I'm sorry."
Mi didn't turn around, but a sad smile curved his lips for a brief second. "I understand. More than you think..." he replied just as softly. "And I'm sorry too. For not protecting you in return...for not making you feel you could trust me with this..."
"Can we at least be friends?" Mi sounded hopeful; Kyuhyun was still important to him and he wanted more than anything to be able to see and touch him, even if just as a friend rather than a lover.
Kyuhyun nodded slowly with a sigh of his own. "I think so. In time...just...wait for a bit?" he asked, sounding defeated.
At Mi's answering nod, he pushed himself off the car he'd been leaning against and walked towards the door. "I guess we should go tell them..." he said quietly, then looked up at Mi sadly.
Mi nodded again and waited for him to pass, carefully not touching him. It would be hard, but they'd get through this and hopefully be better friends for it.