vultures keep testin' me....
The days just sail by here. I find I look out my window a lot just watching the day whiz by me. It's so simple outside my window in its perfection. Windows to other little houses with children in them, a garden where all tree's leaves are yellow and falling. Fall is here. It's gotten cold. My heater is on quite a bit. Thankfully I learned how to use it, hehe. I feel so far away, so separated, so in a different world. I feel my life back home is so far from me. I feel like I'm living another life. I'm not sure how to negotiate that. Someday I will have to go back to that existence. How will that feel now that I've lived outside that box? Will it feel measily? Will I feel relieved? Will I see things differently? I already feel so different from the person I thought I was. Change changes everything. What I knew before I left and what I know now are like night and day. I've acted and experienced in ways I never thought possible for me. I thought I was one way..well it turns out I'm another..and may go back again or go to some other extreme...who knows. I feel so open here and yet I feel so isolated from everything I knew; everything I love. I miss my family and yet I have no desire to see them. The exception of course is my mom and my grandmother because it's so important to them to see me. I have a surge of guilt when admitting that. And now it's looking like I may not go home for the holidays as planned because of school conflicts and the lack of desire on my part to spend large amounts of money to go home for such a short time when I really want to be here. Truth: I want to see Europe during holidays. I feel like I would be resentful because I'd feel like I was missing out. I'll know by the end of the weekend whether I'm staying or going. My sister said she never knew why I was coming home..."you're in Europe...you should stay in Europe." Somehow that doesn't ease my guilt.
My guilt is eating at me whether it's the right decision or not to go. What happened to my family values? What happened to my selflessness. I feel so selffish here. It's strange to put my needs and what I want in front of everyone else; a foreign concept for me. I'm not sure how to negotiate that within me either. I can't sleep at night thinking about it. Wondering if I'm headed in the right direction. Makes me backtrack. Fall back into habbits. Safe. Protection from the world in front of me. Will I regret going back into my shell or will I be thankful I didn't take such big risks? I can't settle my mind around these topics. They run through my mind constantly. I've never been away from my family on the holidays. I feel so grown up and so far from them. It's the first time I've really felt the distance since I've been here. It's scary. And exciting. I just can't pick which emotion takes precedence. Which emotions will I let take precedence in my life? The ultimate question. Questions. Assholes. Okay, I've said my peace.
My guilt is eating at me whether it's the right decision or not to go. What happened to my family values? What happened to my selflessness. I feel so selffish here. It's strange to put my needs and what I want in front of everyone else; a foreign concept for me. I'm not sure how to negotiate that within me either. I can't sleep at night thinking about it. Wondering if I'm headed in the right direction. Makes me backtrack. Fall back into habbits. Safe. Protection from the world in front of me. Will I regret going back into my shell or will I be thankful I didn't take such big risks? I can't settle my mind around these topics. They run through my mind constantly. I've never been away from my family on the holidays. I feel so grown up and so far from them. It's the first time I've really felt the distance since I've been here. It's scary. And exciting. I just can't pick which emotion takes precedence. Which emotions will I let take precedence in my life? The ultimate question. Questions. Assholes. Okay, I've said my peace.