Overwhelmed
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Usually the best thing I can do to keep my depression at bay is stay busy. It is when I have down time that it begins to get the best of me. If I stay too busy to think ....well, I can cope. So, you would think that I would be flourishing right now. I am busy from 530 in the morning until after 10 at night. It is not working. I am not coping. I am not flourishing. I am in a dark dark place. I have been ever since we came back from Tulsa. It is almost like I left my contentment there. I want to go back and find it.
I wanted that thing with Missy to work out. I wanted it so much. I wanted her in my life and feel like I was just teased. Things could have been... would have been so good. Truth is I threw it all away to help Kobee and I can't help but feel some resentment. I feel resentment because I fear that I threw it away for nothing. He is doing better but I do not believe the changes are real. I wish I could add yet to that sentence, but I cannot. I miss my friend. I miss feeling like I have someone who understands that side of me....that side of me that just makes me feel shame.
I wanted that thing with Missy to work out. I wanted it so much. I wanted her in my life and feel like I was just teased. Things could have been... would have been so good. Truth is I threw it all away to help Kobee and I can't help but feel some resentment. I feel resentment because I fear that I threw it away for nothing. He is doing better but I do not believe the changes are real. I wish I could add yet to that sentence, but I cannot. I miss my friend. I miss feeling like I have someone who understands that side of me....that side of me that just makes me feel shame.
I am tired of feeling shame. I am tired of hating myself; at least that side of me. I am tired of wanting and needing what I cannot have. I hate myself for wanting things that will destroy me and what I am trying to build. I hate my issues and my insecurities and just me. I am tired of feeling like I will never be okay. I am tired of depression. I am tired of fighting it...depression and me....and I am just tired.
I have once again found myself in a place where I have lost me. I have once again managed to live a full life for anyone but myself. I have enslaved myself to good deeds and have left no room for myself to exist. I have nothing. I do nothing for me. I am nothing. I have decreased myself to the point of no longer being. I spent 8 years trying to NOT do this....yet I somehow managed it.
I was found. Now I am lost. I am no more. I am just a tool and a slave to commitment and the world.
I hurt....inside and out. The only thing I have ever been able to hate is me. I am ashamed of myself, my needs, my issues, and my emotions. I am tired of wearing this mask of competence and living this lie. I am tired of feeling like I have to be Atlas and having the whole world on my shoulders....yet, I am the dumbass that put it there.
I just want to love me enough. I want to fight for me....but there is no me to fight for. I am lost and just wish to be found.