(no subject)
Well I had a weird weekend....ok I was supposed to do a lot this weekend but everything that possibly could, fell through. So for the first time in 8 years I sat down with Mr. Jim Beam (yuck) and reminded myself why I don't drink bourbon anymore. I played my guitar almost all night long only stopping when mandi and sara were making out in front of me or when that little Chinese boy would pass me his pipe....but then I would start playing again a min later.
I thought about nicole a whole bunch yesterday. For some reason she was on my mind before I did much of anything and then I cleaned up around my room and moved some stuff so I could fit the PA in there. While doing so I ran across so much stuff that used to be hers......and photos......well I threw it all away.
I wanted to call her even before all of that.........like when I was helping randy pick his house up and get ready for his daughters birthday party....but I didn't. So I really wanted to talk to her when I kept running across her shit. But then I asked myself "what would you say to her?" and it would've been more of the same "i miss yous" and telling her how sorry I still am.....especially for being mean to her the last couple of times we communicated.
But then I also realized that I would be able to truthfully tell her that I am happier now than I was when we were together. I miss being comfortable like we were together. But that's it.
I did find one person this past 2 months that I felt that comfortable around....oddly enough I don't know if I will ever see her again.
Its sad but I didn't realize how lonely I was before because I would always just call her. But I was always still alone. I am alone less now but receiving less attention now too because I can't call her anymore. I need more female friends. I try to make em but it just doesn't work very well. I don't really get it.
So tell me what is it that people are looking for....attention vs. affection Cause I think I have been confusing these two things for the past 25 years.
I guess I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or what else to change. I wonder if just locking myself in my bedroom for the rest of my life would be better because then at least people wouldn't let me down anymore.....and I wouldn't let them down either.
I thought about nicole a whole bunch yesterday. For some reason she was on my mind before I did much of anything and then I cleaned up around my room and moved some stuff so I could fit the PA in there. While doing so I ran across so much stuff that used to be hers......and photos......well I threw it all away.
I wanted to call her even before all of that.........like when I was helping randy pick his house up and get ready for his daughters birthday party....but I didn't. So I really wanted to talk to her when I kept running across her shit. But then I asked myself "what would you say to her?" and it would've been more of the same "i miss yous" and telling her how sorry I still am.....especially for being mean to her the last couple of times we communicated.
But then I also realized that I would be able to truthfully tell her that I am happier now than I was when we were together. I miss being comfortable like we were together. But that's it.
I did find one person this past 2 months that I felt that comfortable around....oddly enough I don't know if I will ever see her again.
Its sad but I didn't realize how lonely I was before because I would always just call her. But I was always still alone. I am alone less now but receiving less attention now too because I can't call her anymore. I need more female friends. I try to make em but it just doesn't work very well. I don't really get it.
So tell me what is it that people are looking for....attention vs. affection Cause I think I have been confusing these two things for the past 25 years.
I guess I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or what else to change. I wonder if just locking myself in my bedroom for the rest of my life would be better because then at least people wouldn't let me down anymore.....and I wouldn't let them down either.