(no subject)
i feel this wierd sense of calm suddenly. its really refreshing for once, instead of carrying around the looming sense of dread i have had since november. it lifted, finally, for good and for ever.
things will slowly return to normal for me which is bittersweet, i think, for more than one reason. bittersweet because i had put so much of myself into a failed relationship--- really, doomed, i guess is a better word, because we were doomed from the start to fail--- and so i feel like i lost a lot of myself and a lot of my time. bittersweet because i have had a time in my life where things felt right. and while that was imaginary--- really, that is what it was--- it was feeling whole for a while. which was truly enjoyable.
as of yesterday, i feel like both a completely different person and my old self again. it sounds wierd, im sure, but it felt like i had been hiding pieces of myself for the time i was with him. while i will probably never dye my hair black again, i can recognize myself in the mirror now. for a while there, i would look and see a complete stranger: blonde hair, sallow skin, exhausted, sad, and anxious.
maybe thats the biggest thing-- the lack of anxiety. maybe that is the key to this whole thing. i realize that in the end, things will be ok. im back on track, it seems, with the vast majority of the events i wanted in my life. i have a job. i have a nice apartment. my new car is pretty cool. im starting law school shortly. im waiting to hear back about a second job doing something a little more adenturous-- a little more my speed. i think the second job will help me feel even more like former (now inner)badass-- which will also help with the whole lacking self esteem thing. which, according to a lot of the people in my life i had suffered from during the course of my relationship with him. who knows. i wont hear before late august, so im not going to get my hopes up, but, if it does happen, ill be so ready to just throw myself into it.
day-to-day work has been ok. a coworker is out for happy reasons, and a lot of people are on vacation, so its been quiet.
my mom and dad are healthy and quasi-happy. happy as much as they can be, i think, because theyre worried about my sister. shes moved out of state today, close to where she works, so that she wont have such a long commute. cant say i blame her, really, with gas as it is right now. mom and dad are worried, excited, concerned and thrilled for her. i cant imagine the turmoil they feel knowing that shes an actual real adult now.
my dad got a new dog who likes to escape. her name should be houdini. shes hilarious.
so it goes. back to the gypsy that i was.
things will slowly return to normal for me which is bittersweet, i think, for more than one reason. bittersweet because i had put so much of myself into a failed relationship--- really, doomed, i guess is a better word, because we were doomed from the start to fail--- and so i feel like i lost a lot of myself and a lot of my time. bittersweet because i have had a time in my life where things felt right. and while that was imaginary--- really, that is what it was--- it was feeling whole for a while. which was truly enjoyable.
as of yesterday, i feel like both a completely different person and my old self again. it sounds wierd, im sure, but it felt like i had been hiding pieces of myself for the time i was with him. while i will probably never dye my hair black again, i can recognize myself in the mirror now. for a while there, i would look and see a complete stranger: blonde hair, sallow skin, exhausted, sad, and anxious.
maybe thats the biggest thing-- the lack of anxiety. maybe that is the key to this whole thing. i realize that in the end, things will be ok. im back on track, it seems, with the vast majority of the events i wanted in my life. i have a job. i have a nice apartment. my new car is pretty cool. im starting law school shortly. im waiting to hear back about a second job doing something a little more adenturous-- a little more my speed. i think the second job will help me feel even more like former (now inner)badass-- which will also help with the whole lacking self esteem thing. which, according to a lot of the people in my life i had suffered from during the course of my relationship with him. who knows. i wont hear before late august, so im not going to get my hopes up, but, if it does happen, ill be so ready to just throw myself into it.
day-to-day work has been ok. a coworker is out for happy reasons, and a lot of people are on vacation, so its been quiet.
my mom and dad are healthy and quasi-happy. happy as much as they can be, i think, because theyre worried about my sister. shes moved out of state today, close to where she works, so that she wont have such a long commute. cant say i blame her, really, with gas as it is right now. mom and dad are worried, excited, concerned and thrilled for her. i cant imagine the turmoil they feel knowing that shes an actual real adult now.
my dad got a new dog who likes to escape. her name should be houdini. shes hilarious.
so it goes. back to the gypsy that i was.