(no subject)
so.... i still have a job, which is awesome for obvious reasons.
somewhere around 90 people were laid off on friday, with more to come through wednesday. those people slated for termination who took a few vacation days will be laid off as they come back. which is shitty. oh, hey, welcome back; uh by the way, youre being let go.
nice.
anywho
i am in the process of getting myself geared up to go back to my apartment. its been nearly a month since ive been there longer than twenty minutes. itll take some time to get adjusted, but ill be ok once ive had some friends over and made some new memories. maybe ill have some goofy dinner party or something. not like i have any friends left to come by, but, whatever.
im still feeling like theres a lot of transition in my life. its not really unbearable, but its been difficult trying to deal with the whole assload of stuff that was dealt to me in the last three months. i went from feeling happy in november, to miiiiiserable and then bad things kept happening and stuff spiraled out of control. i hate feeling like im out of control. then the rug was ripped out from under me, and from there on in, things have settled and become a lot less stressful. i feel like im under MUCH less pressure, and like i can finally fucking breathe for the first time in months.
that was the thing i hated the most--- the constant drowning feeling i had for so long. that suffocating, all-encompassing ice-like grip that things were unraveling and there was no ammount of fighting that could save me. and when i stopped fighting, things ended like they should have and now its all smoothed itself out. its like theres balance in the universe again. its nice to feel like im OK-- even if it is only because im alone again. maybe that was a necessary thing, you know, like god bonking me on the skull to tell me THIS ISNT RIGHT THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW.
ive been seeing my friends a lot more now than i had in the last year and a half. its good to see them. i have reconnected with a lot of people who i cared deeply for, and stupidly let someone separate me from. the dates i have gone on havent been all that fulfilling but theyve been fun, and theyve illustrated that, while im not ready for a fullfledged relationship again quite yet, there are nice people out there who can make me laugh and discuss both sports and politics with equal ease. the absence of jiu jitsu talk is both refreshing and saddening, but im sure that itll be a while before i can hear stuff like that without being both annoyed and melancholy.
you know, its so wierd when a serious relationship ends. it helps that my friends had a strong aversion to him, even ashley, and i wasnt particularly fond of his friends outside of the ones he had at school. so thats kinda nice we wont have a whole lot of awkwardness there. the thing is when i pass certain landmarks, or hear a type of music or smell a certain scent, i am reminded of the good times i had. memories of the good times are certainly nice, id much rather think of them than the negative ones. but the wierd thing is, is after we were together for so long, it has only been a short time and i dont miss him anymore. i dont think of him much unless i am smelling or seeing one of those certain things. i figured that since it was so serious for so long that i would be much more upset for a much longer time than i was.
i guess it is either a sign that it was not meant to be, or that it wasnt that good to start with. who knows, really.
i do know that i hope hes healthy and well, and that he stays in school and gets where he wants to be once hes in california. ive only ever wanted good things for him, really, and that has stayed true.
maybe someday, in a long while, he and i might be friends again. which would be nice, if only for old times sake.
peace.
somewhere around 90 people were laid off on friday, with more to come through wednesday. those people slated for termination who took a few vacation days will be laid off as they come back. which is shitty. oh, hey, welcome back; uh by the way, youre being let go.
nice.
anywho
i am in the process of getting myself geared up to go back to my apartment. its been nearly a month since ive been there longer than twenty minutes. itll take some time to get adjusted, but ill be ok once ive had some friends over and made some new memories. maybe ill have some goofy dinner party or something. not like i have any friends left to come by, but, whatever.
im still feeling like theres a lot of transition in my life. its not really unbearable, but its been difficult trying to deal with the whole assload of stuff that was dealt to me in the last three months. i went from feeling happy in november, to miiiiiserable and then bad things kept happening and stuff spiraled out of control. i hate feeling like im out of control. then the rug was ripped out from under me, and from there on in, things have settled and become a lot less stressful. i feel like im under MUCH less pressure, and like i can finally fucking breathe for the first time in months.
that was the thing i hated the most--- the constant drowning feeling i had for so long. that suffocating, all-encompassing ice-like grip that things were unraveling and there was no ammount of fighting that could save me. and when i stopped fighting, things ended like they should have and now its all smoothed itself out. its like theres balance in the universe again. its nice to feel like im OK-- even if it is only because im alone again. maybe that was a necessary thing, you know, like god bonking me on the skull to tell me THIS ISNT RIGHT THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE NOW.
ive been seeing my friends a lot more now than i had in the last year and a half. its good to see them. i have reconnected with a lot of people who i cared deeply for, and stupidly let someone separate me from. the dates i have gone on havent been all that fulfilling but theyve been fun, and theyve illustrated that, while im not ready for a fullfledged relationship again quite yet, there are nice people out there who can make me laugh and discuss both sports and politics with equal ease. the absence of jiu jitsu talk is both refreshing and saddening, but im sure that itll be a while before i can hear stuff like that without being both annoyed and melancholy.
you know, its so wierd when a serious relationship ends. it helps that my friends had a strong aversion to him, even ashley, and i wasnt particularly fond of his friends outside of the ones he had at school. so thats kinda nice we wont have a whole lot of awkwardness there. the thing is when i pass certain landmarks, or hear a type of music or smell a certain scent, i am reminded of the good times i had. memories of the good times are certainly nice, id much rather think of them than the negative ones. but the wierd thing is, is after we were together for so long, it has only been a short time and i dont miss him anymore. i dont think of him much unless i am smelling or seeing one of those certain things. i figured that since it was so serious for so long that i would be much more upset for a much longer time than i was.
i guess it is either a sign that it was not meant to be, or that it wasnt that good to start with. who knows, really.
i do know that i hope hes healthy and well, and that he stays in school and gets where he wants to be once hes in california. ive only ever wanted good things for him, really, and that has stayed true.
maybe someday, in a long while, he and i might be friends again. which would be nice, if only for old times sake.
peace.