that's just who i am this week...
yesterday was amazing. extreme sports, hot girl, and 2 of the best bands ever...AAR and Hoobastank...then crazy party aaaaaaand mega loss of memory due to really good apple cider..? lol wth. who does that. yeh def woke up with red sharpie all over my face and body..cant get some of it off. thats hot.
sooo i think im in a rut. well, i know i am. have been. and iono why. not happy/satisfied with...something. wish i could figure it out cuz i feel like everyone's pissed cuz I'm always "down" or negative or....just quiet. Whenever I get like this, which I do sometimes, I always take it out on the ones I love most. and that sucks. im sorry to them. i don't mean to, but it just happens. I try so hard to not let it get to me...not let it show, but it screams out of me. and there's nothing i can do about it.
i want someone to play guitar for me. sing to me. ill love it. i want my old skateboard, but all i have is my long board, and that makes me sad. it's so funny how my style changes depending on my mood. I remember my freshmen year in high school this 6'2" scrawny snare player made fun of me one time (i overheard him) b/c one day id wear real tomboy-looking clothes and then the next id dress all girly. he said "i guess she cant make up her mind if shes gay or straight" whatever. eff off. let me do my thing. its not hurting u at all jack@$$. and yeh my look changes all the time. there are many sides of me i am slowly realizing..and i have diff dialects too...i guess most ppl do, but i think i have an abnormal amount. speak differently depending on who im talking to, what im talking about, or what my mood is. weird
i want to go to church again. i think youd like my kind. none of the others have. and thats fine. but i wanna go. my grandma emailed me today and her p.s. said "is there a church down there that you're going to?" then something about God..i forget. it always stabs me like a knife when she emails me...i hate it.
i want to play drums...maybe ill go to sam ash this week. we'll see.
so one month. seems like longer. both our surprises failed. lol. yet we had a great day. and im glad for that. glad its you. so f*ckin lucky i am.
i think i like friends one on one a lot. more than in a group. i think... i need to be reassured. one on one just automatically provides that. and i like it. reassurance. attention. ima f*cking little kid. it's weird how the negative qualities you pick out in someone else are ones that YOU have. and i never realize it but its so true. i always make fun of people who have problems cuz they "like the attention," but i need attention, ive discovered. im so f*cking sensitive. and when i get in my "ruts" it multiplies. like a land mine, innocent and harmless at first, but step on it wrong and you're f*cked, cuz itll blow up in your face. not pretty. i hate land mines. and thats funny cuz thats one main thing that secretly kept me from going into the military. that feeling of not knowing. i hate it.
and authority. i also hate that. people telling me my faults, what i COULD have done. what i NEED to do. what i CAN'T do. f*ck that. f*ck you. f*ck off. this has always been an issue for me, but lately it seems to be turning into a problem. but about my rut...
*looks out the window into the serenity of darkness* i wanna go for a walk on the beach with you. right now. let's go. turn off the tv and walk. with me. it's almost a full moon. kiss me. i love your lips.
against mine.
i always thought A.D.D. and A.D.H.D. were bullsh*t. just a label doctors place on people with just a little more energy than most people...ones who get bored easily. big deal everyones different. im starting to think i have it though. people love to know that they have a condition. if they think something's wrong with them, theyll tell everyone. its just another way of getting attention.
i hate drama. make it go away. forever. thats one reason i like one on one time. u can control the drama. easier than if you're in a group. no matter what..it always seems to come up. i just leave. it's so immature and annoying. there is absolutely no need for it. so much valuable time is wasted talking about stupid sh*t. that wont matter in 5 years anyways, so wtf. people have enough to worry about themselves, much less other peoples' problems. gahd. if someone has a problem, i say let them deal with it..figure out if they really care about you enough to apologize or whatever. if not, f*ck em. they weren;t a good friend anyways, and you can live without them. find someone better. move on. build a bridge.
its funny how different people use livejournal in diff ways. some use it only to vent..only when theres sh*t going on in their lives..sometimes its good stuff though im not gonna lie...some use it to boost their ego..post pictures of themselves and talk only about themselves and how good they are...secretly seeing how many comments they can collect...some use it like a daily diary..and others use it to write..for themselves..but disguise it in a way that is creative and amusing to them, but not many people, if any, can decipher it. see through cover.
put it under the tarp. lol who SAYS that? haha awe . you.
i need to...nevermind. you don't even care. my feet are cold as ice. cant wait to go to NYC for new years. find me $12,000..by January. and teach me calculus.
blind.
sooo i think im in a rut. well, i know i am. have been. and iono why. not happy/satisfied with...something. wish i could figure it out cuz i feel like everyone's pissed cuz I'm always "down" or negative or....just quiet. Whenever I get like this, which I do sometimes, I always take it out on the ones I love most. and that sucks. im sorry to them. i don't mean to, but it just happens. I try so hard to not let it get to me...not let it show, but it screams out of me. and there's nothing i can do about it.
i want someone to play guitar for me. sing to me. ill love it. i want my old skateboard, but all i have is my long board, and that makes me sad. it's so funny how my style changes depending on my mood. I remember my freshmen year in high school this 6'2" scrawny snare player made fun of me one time (i overheard him) b/c one day id wear real tomboy-looking clothes and then the next id dress all girly. he said "i guess she cant make up her mind if shes gay or straight" whatever. eff off. let me do my thing. its not hurting u at all jack@$$. and yeh my look changes all the time. there are many sides of me i am slowly realizing..and i have diff dialects too...i guess most ppl do, but i think i have an abnormal amount. speak differently depending on who im talking to, what im talking about, or what my mood is. weird
i want to go to church again. i think youd like my kind. none of the others have. and thats fine. but i wanna go. my grandma emailed me today and her p.s. said "is there a church down there that you're going to?" then something about God..i forget. it always stabs me like a knife when she emails me...i hate it.
i want to play drums...maybe ill go to sam ash this week. we'll see.
so one month. seems like longer. both our surprises failed. lol. yet we had a great day. and im glad for that. glad its you. so f*ckin lucky i am.
i think i like friends one on one a lot. more than in a group. i think... i need to be reassured. one on one just automatically provides that. and i like it. reassurance. attention. ima f*cking little kid. it's weird how the negative qualities you pick out in someone else are ones that YOU have. and i never realize it but its so true. i always make fun of people who have problems cuz they "like the attention," but i need attention, ive discovered. im so f*cking sensitive. and when i get in my "ruts" it multiplies. like a land mine, innocent and harmless at first, but step on it wrong and you're f*cked, cuz itll blow up in your face. not pretty. i hate land mines. and thats funny cuz thats one main thing that secretly kept me from going into the military. that feeling of not knowing. i hate it.
and authority. i also hate that. people telling me my faults, what i COULD have done. what i NEED to do. what i CAN'T do. f*ck that. f*ck you. f*ck off. this has always been an issue for me, but lately it seems to be turning into a problem. but about my rut...
*looks out the window into the serenity of darkness* i wanna go for a walk on the beach with you. right now. let's go. turn off the tv and walk. with me. it's almost a full moon. kiss me. i love your lips.
against mine.
i always thought A.D.D. and A.D.H.D. were bullsh*t. just a label doctors place on people with just a little more energy than most people...ones who get bored easily. big deal everyones different. im starting to think i have it though. people love to know that they have a condition. if they think something's wrong with them, theyll tell everyone. its just another way of getting attention.
i hate drama. make it go away. forever. thats one reason i like one on one time. u can control the drama. easier than if you're in a group. no matter what..it always seems to come up. i just leave. it's so immature and annoying. there is absolutely no need for it. so much valuable time is wasted talking about stupid sh*t. that wont matter in 5 years anyways, so wtf. people have enough to worry about themselves, much less other peoples' problems. gahd. if someone has a problem, i say let them deal with it..figure out if they really care about you enough to apologize or whatever. if not, f*ck em. they weren;t a good friend anyways, and you can live without them. find someone better. move on. build a bridge.
its funny how different people use livejournal in diff ways. some use it only to vent..only when theres sh*t going on in their lives..sometimes its good stuff though im not gonna lie...some use it to boost their ego..post pictures of themselves and talk only about themselves and how good they are...secretly seeing how many comments they can collect...some use it like a daily diary..and others use it to write..for themselves..but disguise it in a way that is creative and amusing to them, but not many people, if any, can decipher it. see through cover.
put it under the tarp. lol who SAYS that? haha awe . you.
i need to...nevermind. you don't even care. my feet are cold as ice. cant wait to go to NYC for new years. find me $12,000..by January. and teach me calculus.
blind.