A change of faith?
I am pretty pissed... i had written up this whole post... it was a serious post or at least it had something in it thats extremely serious... i had written it out all nice and perfect, just the way i wanted to say it and then my comp freezes. FUCKING SON OF A BITCH!
ok so anyways... i will try to restate it.
Basically... alot of stuff has been happening to me over the years.... weird stuff... especially in the last few weeks.
I talk to people about such things as religion, good, evil and all related stuff... which is alot but basically focusing on just good and evil.
now everytime i have these conversation, i am continueually told that i have "a good heart" or a "good soul" or whatever. That i am a good person. I dont neccisarrily agree with that but i keep gettting told that.
Now, to say something that i havnt told anyone else... well one person and it was a guy i was talking too about faith and such. which i will explain after i explain this...
The saturday i last saw Kate... i didnt want to be alone.
So i hung out with Joel most of the day. but he had to do stuff at his church. So i hung around there for awhile.
Then they had a service and i sat in for it. Everyone began to pray on there own... so i did as well.
But i didnt pray to god or jesus... i prayed to whatever is up there. I prayed to and for goodness.
I prayed... that everyone who is a good person will be happy and not lonely.
I prayed that everyone not a good person, will see the "light", become enlightened enough to become a good person.
Something happened though. I was pulled out of prayer by Joel. The services were over. I walked out but during that service... i felt something i cant explain. Something i never felt before.
Touch of god, faith, inner light, glory of the almighty, whatever... i have no clue. but i felt something while praying in that church.
At some part in that service, i turned myself over to the higher ups... and i felt something.
So I was talking to this guy a week ago. While waiting for Joel to show up. It was Big Johns roommate, Rob.
Rob was in training to become a buddist monk. His family has been buddist for generation.
Rob for the longest time, since he was a kid has had to deal with alot of mental problems. Pscitzo, bipolar types of shit. extremely bad stuff. He talked about how he had alot of shit happen to him when he was a kid, mulistation and other bad things... His family has spend over 100k in doctor/medical bills to help him. Nothing ever worked.
It wasnt until, during his buddist training, that he met a man. This man believed in Christ. Not sure what sect he was, but doesnt matter. He talked with rob and rob took his advice and prayed to Jesus... prayed to god.
Rob talked about how he felt something when he prayed. It was something that buddist monks search and train to gain. They call it nervona. A sense of peace, inner peace. Rob gained this through prayer.
From this, he has overcame his mental problems, healed. With no medication he is fine. He soon converted and so did his entire family after seeing how healed there son was. They consider it a miracle.
So i was talking with him on all these subject. We talked about those that inspired him. The concept of good and evil, good vs evil. prejudices, antisemtism, verious religions... alot of stuff.
Anyways, so get again, like so many others, after our conversation he tells me I have a good heart. That he believes god has a plan for me... all that kind of stuff.
Now i dont know about any of that... but one thing i am 100% sure about now is that while i am stupid... that is one topic, one area where i am extremely smart in. Good and evil. those concepts i understand more then the average person.
Afterall... i have thought about all that stuff, meditated, researched, generally just thoguht about good and evil since.... well for well over a decade.
So after thinking about all this stuff.... after....
I am a fork. I am seriously considering converting... to a religion of... jesus....
Which one is a question... I am going to do research. Get ahold of some bibles. Do some research...
I heard about this one bible, this former jewish guy, he went into old records and whatnot... he translated the new testiment into hebrew and apparently when in hebrew, and having the old testiment in hebrew, it makes it link up more then ever. More then any other translation.
So even english old and elgish new testiments dont match up as much as hebrew hebrew. So i am gonna look into that.
Gonna start reading bibles and everything...
This is a really scary time. I have to go through this... research on my own AND hide it. Its something i dont want my family to know about. I cant deal with there ridicule or anything... i just want to avoid that while i live under my mothers roof. Once i move out ill officially convert, that is IF i find another religion that fits.
But i have felt something. Something i cant ignore. Something great and profound.
I just need time.
ok so anyways... i will try to restate it.
Basically... alot of stuff has been happening to me over the years.... weird stuff... especially in the last few weeks.
I talk to people about such things as religion, good, evil and all related stuff... which is alot but basically focusing on just good and evil.
now everytime i have these conversation, i am continueually told that i have "a good heart" or a "good soul" or whatever. That i am a good person. I dont neccisarrily agree with that but i keep gettting told that.
Now, to say something that i havnt told anyone else... well one person and it was a guy i was talking too about faith and such. which i will explain after i explain this...
The saturday i last saw Kate... i didnt want to be alone.
So i hung out with Joel most of the day. but he had to do stuff at his church. So i hung around there for awhile.
Then they had a service and i sat in for it. Everyone began to pray on there own... so i did as well.
But i didnt pray to god or jesus... i prayed to whatever is up there. I prayed to and for goodness.
I prayed... that everyone who is a good person will be happy and not lonely.
I prayed that everyone not a good person, will see the "light", become enlightened enough to become a good person.
Something happened though. I was pulled out of prayer by Joel. The services were over. I walked out but during that service... i felt something i cant explain. Something i never felt before.
Touch of god, faith, inner light, glory of the almighty, whatever... i have no clue. but i felt something while praying in that church.
At some part in that service, i turned myself over to the higher ups... and i felt something.
So I was talking to this guy a week ago. While waiting for Joel to show up. It was Big Johns roommate, Rob.
Rob was in training to become a buddist monk. His family has been buddist for generation.
Rob for the longest time, since he was a kid has had to deal with alot of mental problems. Pscitzo, bipolar types of shit. extremely bad stuff. He talked about how he had alot of shit happen to him when he was a kid, mulistation and other bad things... His family has spend over 100k in doctor/medical bills to help him. Nothing ever worked.
It wasnt until, during his buddist training, that he met a man. This man believed in Christ. Not sure what sect he was, but doesnt matter. He talked with rob and rob took his advice and prayed to Jesus... prayed to god.
Rob talked about how he felt something when he prayed. It was something that buddist monks search and train to gain. They call it nervona. A sense of peace, inner peace. Rob gained this through prayer.
From this, he has overcame his mental problems, healed. With no medication he is fine. He soon converted and so did his entire family after seeing how healed there son was. They consider it a miracle.
So i was talking with him on all these subject. We talked about those that inspired him. The concept of good and evil, good vs evil. prejudices, antisemtism, verious religions... alot of stuff.
Anyways, so get again, like so many others, after our conversation he tells me I have a good heart. That he believes god has a plan for me... all that kind of stuff.
Now i dont know about any of that... but one thing i am 100% sure about now is that while i am stupid... that is one topic, one area where i am extremely smart in. Good and evil. those concepts i understand more then the average person.
Afterall... i have thought about all that stuff, meditated, researched, generally just thoguht about good and evil since.... well for well over a decade.
So after thinking about all this stuff.... after....
I am a fork. I am seriously considering converting... to a religion of... jesus....
Which one is a question... I am going to do research. Get ahold of some bibles. Do some research...
I heard about this one bible, this former jewish guy, he went into old records and whatnot... he translated the new testiment into hebrew and apparently when in hebrew, and having the old testiment in hebrew, it makes it link up more then ever. More then any other translation.
So even english old and elgish new testiments dont match up as much as hebrew hebrew. So i am gonna look into that.
Gonna start reading bibles and everything...
This is a really scary time. I have to go through this... research on my own AND hide it. Its something i dont want my family to know about. I cant deal with there ridicule or anything... i just want to avoid that while i live under my mothers roof. Once i move out ill officially convert, that is IF i find another religion that fits.
But i have felt something. Something i cant ignore. Something great and profound.
I just need time.