I Was Uncool Before Uncool Was Cool
(The following is a continuation of an earlier made private post. I’ve decided that, since this post [unlike the other] has nothing all that intensely personal in it, it’s ok to keep it public)
Be warned, while I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, there is a bit of pessimism ahead. Mixed in with a whole load of realism.
Here’s the thing. I will never, NEVER be popular. I simply don’t have what it takes, and deep down I know this. What I really need to do is to reconcile myself with this fact.
I’ve noticed that, whether intentional or not, almost everything I do online somehow turns in my mind into “Hey, maybe this’ll make me more popular,” or “Oh no, I hope this doesn’t make me even less popular.” Whereas, what I really need is to just learn to be content with where I am. If by some wild chance I happen to move up on the social ladder, well then yey for me, but I shouldn’t strive for it; I shouldn’t dream about it, shouldn’t hope it will happen some day - I’m just setting myself up for disappointment when I do that.
The thing is (and I think I may be borrowing a little from the Buddhist philosophy here), I will never be happy as long as I want more. I think I wish to be popular because a part of me believes that it will bring me the happiness and contentment my life currently lacks, but what I need to realize is that moving up a few rungs on the aforementioned ladder will not extinguish my desire to keep climbing. And the more I want, the more I feel is lacking in my life, the less happy I will be.
What I need to understand, or rather remind myself of, is that I am, in essence, uncool - I always have been - and that’s all there is to it. My problem is that I not only believe I can change, but that I actually expect myself to. And it’s not that I can’t - I firmly believe that everyone has the ability to change given the right circumstances, - it’s just that it’s very, very unlikely. And banking on the unlikely is never good. Maybe it will happen, but there's much more chance that it won't, and I just have to overcome the idea that I need the change to be happy.
If I didn’t waste so much time and energy worrying about what people think of me, trying to do all the right things to get noticed, to move up even a millimeter... well, I’d have a lot more time to enjoy what I do have in my life. And chances are that if I just stopped caring so much about making more friends, it would happen on its own.
Who cares if some people out there don’t like me? I’m not here to please anyone, right? And who cares whether I’m friends with the designated “cool” people, or just other nobodies like myself? Friends are friends, the point is having somebody to talk to and have fun with, not being included in some specific clique.
I think I’ve managed to achieve a little closure there, even if it might be just temporary. The next time I start to obsess too much about what people think, I guess I’ll just have to make myself go back and reread this post. That and repeat one simple mantra: “I’ll never be popular and that’s just fine.”
If you wish to comment, go right ahead. If you have any advice, as long as it’s concise and relevant to the point at hand, it’s welcome. Just please don’t lecture me, and don’t go treating me like some crybaby by telling me not too feel sorry for myself. I’m not whining or fishing for pity, I’m just trying to make myself feel a little better here.
Be warned, while I’m trying not to feel sorry for myself, there is a bit of pessimism ahead. Mixed in with a whole load of realism.
Here’s the thing. I will never, NEVER be popular. I simply don’t have what it takes, and deep down I know this. What I really need to do is to reconcile myself with this fact.
I’ve noticed that, whether intentional or not, almost everything I do online somehow turns in my mind into “Hey, maybe this’ll make me more popular,” or “Oh no, I hope this doesn’t make me even less popular.” Whereas, what I really need is to just learn to be content with where I am. If by some wild chance I happen to move up on the social ladder, well then yey for me, but I shouldn’t strive for it; I shouldn’t dream about it, shouldn’t hope it will happen some day - I’m just setting myself up for disappointment when I do that.
The thing is (and I think I may be borrowing a little from the Buddhist philosophy here), I will never be happy as long as I want more. I think I wish to be popular because a part of me believes that it will bring me the happiness and contentment my life currently lacks, but what I need to realize is that moving up a few rungs on the aforementioned ladder will not extinguish my desire to keep climbing. And the more I want, the more I feel is lacking in my life, the less happy I will be.
What I need to understand, or rather remind myself of, is that I am, in essence, uncool - I always have been - and that’s all there is to it. My problem is that I not only believe I can change, but that I actually expect myself to. And it’s not that I can’t - I firmly believe that everyone has the ability to change given the right circumstances, - it’s just that it’s very, very unlikely. And banking on the unlikely is never good. Maybe it will happen, but there's much more chance that it won't, and I just have to overcome the idea that I need the change to be happy.
If I didn’t waste so much time and energy worrying about what people think of me, trying to do all the right things to get noticed, to move up even a millimeter... well, I’d have a lot more time to enjoy what I do have in my life. And chances are that if I just stopped caring so much about making more friends, it would happen on its own.
Who cares if some people out there don’t like me? I’m not here to please anyone, right? And who cares whether I’m friends with the designated “cool” people, or just other nobodies like myself? Friends are friends, the point is having somebody to talk to and have fun with, not being included in some specific clique.
I think I’ve managed to achieve a little closure there, even if it might be just temporary. The next time I start to obsess too much about what people think, I guess I’ll just have to make myself go back and reread this post. That and repeat one simple mantra: “I’ll never be popular and that’s just fine.”
If you wish to comment, go right ahead. If you have any advice, as long as it’s concise and relevant to the point at hand, it’s welcome. Just please don’t lecture me, and don’t go treating me like some crybaby by telling me not too feel sorry for myself. I’m not whining or fishing for pity, I’m just trying to make myself feel a little better here.