Updating for real this time...
I Work way too much..And sleep even more.Sometimes I am much too tired to write, and still I must, because if I fail to, I feel several brain cells will die, or somehow a part of me will wither and fade through the night and be gone by morning. So I sit here, with candles lit, and listening to magical yet soothing Delerium. Sometimes I still wonder. Several times I've seen how people have written in their journals about passionate meaningless sex of some kind.. people who are romantics.. who not only fall in love, but are very much in love with love, and everything it is. But I try and envision what passionate, yet somehow, meaningless sex would be like and I stumble on my thoughts, because the concept feels like an oxymoron to me. Admittedly, I was reading a friend of mine's journal earlier, and I find it intriguing how some of her latest entries tend to be centered around emotions I'm feeling, or thoughts I am experiencing, even if we are relating them to things that are similar, but at the same time different. I don't know if this makes any sense at all, though I have similar thoughts to those she had last written about. Fucking, but feeling no emotional attachment in the morning. I have thought of this so many times, because I am this hungry sexual being with an appetite, I'm not even sure I can contain any longer. I feel as if I need to place invisible restraints on my wrists for the sake of not making a 'mistake', but I am nearly through with feeling I need to repress this other aspect of myself, just so it does not conflict with or contradict the endless romantic soul in me.
Lately I've been feeling as if I could just explode or burst into a million hot embers. From last tuesday through tonight, if I was a cat or animal of some kind, you could say I was in heat. But are we not all animals anyway, animals, yet if as females we follow through with our primal desires and no other intention or motive in mind, we're cast as promiscuous or sluts. I've used the word with myself about a thousand times, called others I have known by the word lightly, since I enjoy playing on it, or like so many other women, redefining it. And those who use the word with seriousness, bitterness on their tongues, and hatred in their eyes. who are they? I laugh at them all. Every single one of them an innocent virgin, I am sure. I haven't been called one much in life, though I cannot stand knowing that particular females are labeled just for being free with their sexuality. Adults who are comfortable with themselves and know what they are doing and for what reasons. Men and other women, call a woman a slut, because she's slept with him and him or her and you haven't, or because she's slept with him and him or her and has not slept with you. And no matter who I am, what I feel inside, and what I decide to do with my own body at any given time, I just despise the men and women who have made this world a place where I feel I have to justify my own sexuality.. but I suppose what bothers me the most at times.. is not knowing which role to pick, or which person to be. I've scanned my options prematurely only because I feel like a female who's insides are on the prowl. And by options, I am referring to the fact that I have thought about and embraced the idea of carrying on a sexual relationship sometime, between now and the time I am ready to think of one that runs on a deeper level again. I have said I wanted to wait so many times, wait until I find 'the one', because I've grown tired of giving my body to people who couldn't keep my heart. But it isn't entirely about giving, because I enjoy sex just as much as any warm blooded 'man', and I want to take. I miss feeling my lips melt and entwine with someone else's, dangerous passion, friction, rhythm, feeling my naked body against another, and wrapping my legs around a lover. No, I don't miss it, I just constantly crave it the way only a nymphomaniac would.I want someone who will take my breath away. Sex must always be passionate for me. No mechanical orgasms; Soul orgasms. And because of this I know I am mostly fooling myself, for passionate sex can never be something I'd so readily detach myself or walk away from. I'm more addicted to the passion than the sex. I don't even want sex, when I can have uncontrollable passion. I couldn't enjoy it otherwise, yet passion is danger, with passion, there is the possibility, though not inevitability, of falling in love. The true essence of me is too conflicted to live in peace.
This song on Delerium's Karma album, Duende, reminds me of sex, because it sounds like the one that played during the scene in the Matrix where everyone was hot and sweaty and dancing and sex. The fight scene with the multiple agent copies was redundant and ridiculous, I began to laugh, asking, "Why doesn't he just fly away?", and so he does, after like 10 minutes. I thoroughly enjoyed this film though, and am deeply curious as to why Neo can do what the hell he can do in the place he is not supposed to be able to do it (I don't want to give anything away to those who have not seen it). The dialogue was insane, but I understood what I was able to follow. I know most people who have seen this film must be utterly confused on some level.
At times I am ashamed of my own emotions. As much as I try not to, I hold back here more often that I'd like or to this degree that upsets me. I haven't written in my paper journal in quite some time, so I especially realized this when I took a piece of paper writing every inkling of what I felt in that moment. No bars held, with not a single inhibition. My emotions scare me at times, and I realize I can not always devulge what I feel inside to others, because I may not feel these emotions as intensely the next day, nor do I want to confuse people who read my journal as to what frame of mind I am in. Although, I will say that my head can be in a different place than my heart. I have a tendancy to confuse myself.
And I have loved
And I have served
And I have sinned
But I have learned
As long as you are true to the life
That you live
This is the time to feel love
I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming in to shore
Over and under in its course
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
Hovering above me
Glow, Glow, Glowing divine
Every nerve like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
I never want to lose what I have finally found
There's a requiem, A new congregation
And it's telling me go forward and walk
Under a brighter sky
Every nerve glowing like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming into shore
Over and under in its course
- Delerium
Lately I've been feeling as if I could just explode or burst into a million hot embers. From last tuesday through tonight, if I was a cat or animal of some kind, you could say I was in heat. But are we not all animals anyway, animals, yet if as females we follow through with our primal desires and no other intention or motive in mind, we're cast as promiscuous or sluts. I've used the word with myself about a thousand times, called others I have known by the word lightly, since I enjoy playing on it, or like so many other women, redefining it. And those who use the word with seriousness, bitterness on their tongues, and hatred in their eyes. who are they? I laugh at them all. Every single one of them an innocent virgin, I am sure. I haven't been called one much in life, though I cannot stand knowing that particular females are labeled just for being free with their sexuality. Adults who are comfortable with themselves and know what they are doing and for what reasons. Men and other women, call a woman a slut, because she's slept with him and him or her and you haven't, or because she's slept with him and him or her and has not slept with you. And no matter who I am, what I feel inside, and what I decide to do with my own body at any given time, I just despise the men and women who have made this world a place where I feel I have to justify my own sexuality.. but I suppose what bothers me the most at times.. is not knowing which role to pick, or which person to be. I've scanned my options prematurely only because I feel like a female who's insides are on the prowl. And by options, I am referring to the fact that I have thought about and embraced the idea of carrying on a sexual relationship sometime, between now and the time I am ready to think of one that runs on a deeper level again. I have said I wanted to wait so many times, wait until I find 'the one', because I've grown tired of giving my body to people who couldn't keep my heart. But it isn't entirely about giving, because I enjoy sex just as much as any warm blooded 'man', and I want to take. I miss feeling my lips melt and entwine with someone else's, dangerous passion, friction, rhythm, feeling my naked body against another, and wrapping my legs around a lover. No, I don't miss it, I just constantly crave it the way only a nymphomaniac would.I want someone who will take my breath away. Sex must always be passionate for me. No mechanical orgasms; Soul orgasms. And because of this I know I am mostly fooling myself, for passionate sex can never be something I'd so readily detach myself or walk away from. I'm more addicted to the passion than the sex. I don't even want sex, when I can have uncontrollable passion. I couldn't enjoy it otherwise, yet passion is danger, with passion, there is the possibility, though not inevitability, of falling in love. The true essence of me is too conflicted to live in peace.
This song on Delerium's Karma album, Duende, reminds me of sex, because it sounds like the one that played during the scene in the Matrix where everyone was hot and sweaty and dancing and sex. The fight scene with the multiple agent copies was redundant and ridiculous, I began to laugh, asking, "Why doesn't he just fly away?", and so he does, after like 10 minutes. I thoroughly enjoyed this film though, and am deeply curious as to why Neo can do what the hell he can do in the place he is not supposed to be able to do it (I don't want to give anything away to those who have not seen it). The dialogue was insane, but I understood what I was able to follow. I know most people who have seen this film must be utterly confused on some level.
At times I am ashamed of my own emotions. As much as I try not to, I hold back here more often that I'd like or to this degree that upsets me. I haven't written in my paper journal in quite some time, so I especially realized this when I took a piece of paper writing every inkling of what I felt in that moment. No bars held, with not a single inhibition. My emotions scare me at times, and I realize I can not always devulge what I feel inside to others, because I may not feel these emotions as intensely the next day, nor do I want to confuse people who read my journal as to what frame of mind I am in. Although, I will say that my head can be in a different place than my heart. I have a tendancy to confuse myself.
And I have loved
And I have served
And I have sinned
But I have learned
As long as you are true to the life
That you live
This is the time to feel love
I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming in to shore
Over and under in its course
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
Hovering above me
Glow, Glow, Glowing divine
Every nerve like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
I never want to lose what I have finally found
There's a requiem, A new congregation
And it's telling me go forward and walk
Under a brighter sky
Every nerve glowing like a firefly
Every nerve like a firefly
This feeling emblazed inside
Every nerve like a firefly
I feel a stirring deep within
Slowly picking up momentum
Like the tide coming into shore
Over and under in its course
- Delerium