Inside out.
Sometimes I just want to get inside myself and pull out the real me. Turn my insides out and expose myself not only to the world, but to myself. I want a self-actualization self-realization moment. Certain people tend to think I am so good at describing who I am, at looking into myself, but sometimes I don't know who I am at all. Sometimes I feel so utterly lost.. drowning in my own whirlwind of thoughts. Sometimes I have a moment where I suddenly realize I am alive.. I love those moments. I literally have to pinch myself to be certain that I am here. Then I question, why, and why now, and what for.
What if I am not good enough for the wonderful things that I want and feel I deserve in life? Why does it take so much for me to merely feel alive? Ever notice how even in the most simplist dreams.. a moment.. a touch.. an experience is amplified nearly 10 times compared to how it is in "real life"? Well, at least that's how it is for me.. sometimes. Even if it is bad. I can be captured by nightmare after nightmare, though every moment and every second, I feel alive. What if I am only dreaming now? This life that I live and this life that I want to live.. Sometimes I never want to wake up. My dreams torture me more than real life does, but perhaps because that is the real me? My subconscious world. Perhaps I want to live it and I feel more alive, simply because I am more aware of what is going on inside my head. A nightmare as it can be. I can deal with this torture best in my dreams. When it decides to stare me right in the face and look into my eyes. I just want to know myself...
But.. I want to specifically figure out what haunts me so and overcome it already.
What if I live in my dreams?
What if I am not good enough for the wonderful things that I want and feel I deserve in life? Why does it take so much for me to merely feel alive? Ever notice how even in the most simplist dreams.. a moment.. a touch.. an experience is amplified nearly 10 times compared to how it is in "real life"? Well, at least that's how it is for me.. sometimes. Even if it is bad. I can be captured by nightmare after nightmare, though every moment and every second, I feel alive. What if I am only dreaming now? This life that I live and this life that I want to live.. Sometimes I never want to wake up. My dreams torture me more than real life does, but perhaps because that is the real me? My subconscious world. Perhaps I want to live it and I feel more alive, simply because I am more aware of what is going on inside my head. A nightmare as it can be. I can deal with this torture best in my dreams. When it decides to stare me right in the face and look into my eyes. I just want to know myself...
But.. I want to specifically figure out what haunts me so and overcome it already.
What if I live in my dreams?