(no subject)
A week later, they have another group meeting and Kevin does a headcount: Kibum, Eli, Soohyun, Alexander, and him. Five here, two missing. Not bad.
“So, if we do a music video,” Soohyun is mapping out, excited, “Jam packed with Eli and Dongho, and maybe Xander too, your single will be number one in no time and the fans will be crying about member love and you’ll be set and aren’t I amazing sometimes - ”
Kevin is barely listening, watching Kibum and Alexander carefully out the side of his eye. The two are talking, Alexander his typical laid back self, waving his hands to dismiss Kibum’s growing visible irritation. Eli is sitting nearby, sucking on a lollipop and pretending he isn’t paying attention. Eli is staring unfocusedly at the floor but Kevin can see his more expertly veiled apprehension in the tiny wrinkle between his eyebrows, which means he’s listening in. Kevin wonders if he’s wrong about what he thinks they’re talking about. He highly doubts it.
“ - so the lyrics are about love? I mean, obviously, whose song isn’t, but what kind of love? Long lost? Sexy? I mean, Dongho is gonna be a brat and demand to walk around half naked no matter what the concept is, sexy or not, and whatever, he’s young let him have his six pack and rabid stalker fans - ”
“Oh my god,” Kibum explodes suddenly, “Shut up Soohyun hyung!”
Soohyun, everyone actually, blinks at Kibum, taken aback. Everyone, Kibum included, knows that all he had to do was ask, really nicely even, and Soohyun seriously would have stopped talking.
“Um.” Kevin speaks up, because he always feels like it’s his responsibility to handle Kibum when he gets rude, “Okay, Kibum, what have we said about yelling when it isn’t necessary?”
“You shut up too!” Kibum keeps yelling, “Because what the hell is going on with Kiseop? I’m kind of pissed that I asked you to take care of it and it’s been weeks and nothing? What? What the hell, what, did he say he wanted nothing to do with us or something?”
“Ohhhkay, so calm down everyone, let’s not fight.” Alexander interjects carefully, trying to be a good hyung and take hold of the situation. But Kevin‘s getting kind of mad too because Kibum? Yeah, being a jerk.
“Asked?” Kevin works very hard to keep his voice at a normal octave even as he jumps out of his seat, “You asked me? Yeah, because you always ask so nicely - you assigned Kiseop to me, like I had nothing going on you asshole!” Kibum looks surprised at this accusation and Kevin tells himself to keep it from getting personal. There are times and places for these kinds of things and right now and here is not it. If he can keep it about Kiseop, he thinks, fingers curling into angry fists against his will, he can keep everything under control.
“Maybe,” he justifies, “Maybe Kiseop wants to take a breath and visit family and live like a normal person for a second. Give him time.”
Kibum glares. “If you could speak up and tell me what happened I can have an idea of what’s going on, instead of not knowing and - ”
Kevin is jealous behind the anger, jealous because he would love to be the one not knowing. He would love to not know anything at all and just take a minute to sit and think and figure out what he’s doing. “Stop being such a control freak, calm down, I think we all can handle our own parts of this reunion concert - ”
Kibum takes a step forward, eyes blazing. “Nothing’s assigned to anyone, we don’t have anything done!” Kevin realizes that, at the core, he and Kibum feel the same about the group. They both just want everything to be perfect, to go back to how it was without any problems. There is desperation in how he flings his arms out to get his point across, shouts, “God you’re such a little kid sometimes, think for once in your life!”
They’ve progressed to a screaming match across the room and Kevin doesn’t have a clear idea what they’re fighting about by this point, but little kid? Kibum would know how to rile Kevin up properly and that’s about the last thing he can take. He just stops, everything he’s feeling and thinking too much to get out right away. His eyes probably look like they’re going to bug out his head and he’s gulping down as many mouthfuls of air and he can, but still feels like he is going to suffocate under layers of rage and bitterness. Kevin’s not sure what’s going to come out when he manages to shriek whatever it is he’s going to shriek, but he’s sure at least that it will be on banshee level.
“Maybe,” Eli purposely intervenes in what sounds like a whisper after all the shouting and Kevin immediately deflates, crisis averted. “Maybe you should just tell us what happened with Kiseop and you two can work this out later?”
Soohyun nods vigorously, mouthing, ‘married couple problems’ and Alexander makes an appropriately disgusted face in response to that.
Kibum bites his bottom lip at the same time Kevin bites the inside of his cheek and slowly sits again. He shifts uncomfortably, finding himself the center of attention all of a sudden. Oh. This was not what he expected to be doing today.
“I guess you can already…assume, with what I hinted at.” Kevin begins slowly, working to not flounder in his words. “But. Um.” So much for that. He squeezes his eyes shut and decides it should be like a band aid, quick and easy, get it over with. “Kiseop said he might quit the entertainment business.”
There’s clamor of disbelief and Kevin hastily picks up with, “He’s completely not sure about anything! But he’s not really going for the reunion concert idea yet…or any time soon, I don’t think. I don’t…know.”
“Whaaaat.” Alexander screeches, and the comments go downhill from there.
-
“Are you sure about, well, not being sure? What’s to be unsure about, enlighten me.” Kevin hears Kibum, standing somewhere behind him as they both wait for performances, demand over the phone. Kiseop hangs up a minute later.
“He didn’t really tell me anything.” He hears Kibum complain to his manager and the manager gets on his own cell phone to management.
Kibum sighs as his manager shuffles off hurriedly and then saunters up next to Kevin, smiling at him in acknowledgement. Kevin, however hisses, “Can you not?” and gestures rigidly at their surroundings.
Kibum lifts his eyebrow challengingly, “What?”
Kevin wants to run a hand through his hair in frustration, but it’s styled and he’s on in two minutes. “Uh, hello? There are loads of people around. We don’t need rumors.”
Kibum frowns and Kevin can tell from his expression that he thinks he’s in the right. That earns him another warning, “Kibum, leave Kiseop alone. Don’t get nasty with him, he’s having a hard time.”
“What the fu - ” Kibum cuts himself off at the thought of stray live mikes. “Look, just. Since when have you and Kiseop been big huge buddies that share secrets and since when have you been all protective of him? He clearly can make his own decisions well enough.”
“Yeah, because his complete indecision so totally proves that. And we’ve been buddies,” Kevin spits the words out, hearing the ‘thirty seconds, you’re on’ in his ear, “Since no one else could spare a thought on anyone other than themselves.” And he glares viciously at Kibum until he turns around and leaves for the stage.
-
Kiseop is in an apron when Kevin shows up. “Okay, an apron, I’ve seen you in weirder over the years, I guess.”
Kiseop smiles this time around at the sight of Kevin on his doorstep, “Yeah, I’m working at a little family owned restaurant not far from here, it’s cool.”
“You’re…happy?” Kevin ventures and Kiseop laughs.
“I have no idea.” He must see the stress on Kevin’s face, because his smile changes into worry lines on his forehead as he pulls Kevin inside.
“How are…” He trails off, the droop of Kevin’s shoulders must be enough. “Look Kev, I promise I’ll…come around or make a decision soon, I’m just experimenting.” He tucks his hands in his apron and looks at his ceiling, “I don’t know, tell them I’ll do it, just give me the time to…look around. Play around. Not regret anything.”
“If you haven’t decided, don’t say you’ll do it.” Kevin says immediately in response. He can make himself feel better about everything if Kiseop is this much happier with trying out stupid jobs he doesn’t actually want and working his way back up to an idol. Kevin can hold out because Kiseop deserves it and Kevin is doing what’s right or best or whatever, Kiseop is happy and that’s all he needs for motivation. “We’ll wait. I’ll wait and I’ll make them wait too. Don’t worry, it’s only March.”
Kiseop looks closely at Kevin and nods slowly. “Okay…yeah. You take care of yourself too, Kevin.”
-
Kibum leaves a convincing message of, “Come over, please, maybe I’ve been a jerk? So. Let’s talk.” And Kevin is feeling better after talking to Kiseop, so he goes.
They start shouting again, though, over Kiseop.
“He’s just being weird over nothing,” Kibum tries to diffuse the situation, guide it the way he wants it, all smiles and new topic of conversation, “Just, whatever, we’ve always been there for him, why run away to the military and come back all…weird!”
In a last ditch attempt he storms away, out of the living room and into the bathroom. Too bad Kevin isn’t shy and there’s no personal space between them. He follows, only two steps behind Kibum.
“I think it’s perfectly fine that he’s not sure!” Kevin points out, “I’m not even sure if I want to do it either!”
“What?” Kibum’s eyes are wide, “Kevin what the hell?”
Kevin didn’t entirely mean to say it, but it’s out now. He looks at a spot above Kibum’s head because he’s a coward and it’s easier. “I mean, I’m always following you around or letting U-Kiss dictate what I do. Soohyun’s planning my music video for me, like, really? Maybe I should stop trying to play superstar if I’m going to be so bad at it.”
“I don’t get that,” Kibum yells and Kevin doesn’t appreciate it, his eyes snap back to Kibum’s flushed face.
“What’s to get?” He yells back, “I don’t know if I want to - to keep doing this!” He advances ever so slightly, the ridge of his hip bumping against the edge of the sink counter. He’s kind of dizzy, kind of panting for air. Kibum is staring back with a strange look on his face.
“I mean, I’m getting older and my fanbase is disappearing, shouldn’t I find something else to do with my life?” Kevin is losing it, he’s saying things he really doesn’t want to share.
Kibum laughs but there is no humor in it. “You idiot, you don’t have to worry about that, you have so much talent.” There is something like affection tucked in there, aggressive and backwards but affection all the same. It only serves to make Kevin angrier and he’s not sure why. Stop letting me use you to not think about what I want and am, Kevin should say. But codependency goes both ways, as does addiction.
Kibum is reaching for him, trying to end this painlessly. But Kevin doesn’t want painless, he wants something to change. He’s up in Kibum’s face before he even realizes it. “Screw you, I am tired of people saying that. It’s not like this is the most outrageous thing anyone in the world has ever said, don’t brush me off like a little kid.”
“You are such a little kid - ” Kibum tries to protest.
The lack of distance between them tells Kevin that Kibum is just short of breath. His almost-gasps are hot on the skin of Kevin’s left cheek. That sends him through a loop but Kevin won’t be distracted, even if he has to steady himself a little, nails scrapping over the ceramic of the counter as he grabs it for balance. “I’m barely younger than you hyung.”
Kibum is staring at Kevin, lost, confused. Because Kevin, he knows Kibum is thinking right now, is never this mad and actually right, actually winning against Kibum. Kibum’s eyes are searching for something in Kevin’s face and he has the sense to back up and put something between the two of them before they both lose it. Kevin isn’t sure what’ll happen when they do, but it is inevitable.
“You - ” Kibum starts aggressively.
Kevin doesn’t give Kibum the time to derail him, throws his hands up in the air and starts pacing in the tiny vicinity of the bathroom. “Everyone just assumes I’ll be okay but loads of singers with lots of talent have faded out. Can’t I have a future plan? A backup, maybe?”
Kibum bites his lips, looks like he desperately wants to say something. Kevin will not let him, pacing in circles around him.
“I mean look at Kiseop, he’s just thinking about how hectic this life is and can you blame him? Why does everyone act like being in this industry is a given or that me checking into my other interests means I’ll destroy the group?” He stops pacing with his back to Kibum and has no idea what the noise Kibum makes means.
He feels a careful hand on his back, hears, “Kevin, I…” But snatches away and whirls around instead of listening, glaring.
“I don’t want a lecture,” his voice is gritty and there is a sharp jab in his side, maybe from bouncing off the wall mid-turn. “I know you have to work for what you want and that I’ve worked long and hard for this one thing, but maybe I don’t want to do it forever.”
Kibum closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Kevin wants to slap him suddenly.
“Look at me.” It would have been a screech except Kevin’s voice cracks and goes hoarse.
Kibum opens his eyes, surprise and a spark of something else clear in the pupils. “I need you, you can’t quit - ” his voice is weedy and cracks too. Kevin wonders if this is what they do to each other.
“Kibum.” He whispers, there is a pressing need to make himself as clear as possible, even when he can’t, “Kibum, sure I don’t know what I’d want other that this, but I don’t want to - ”
Kevin is fully aware that this whole time he has not been making any sense but he feels like he has to keep talking or have an existentialist crisis.
Kibum, who’s eyes have darkened and intentions have changed, presses himself to Kevin and then, with a turn and a push, presses the both of them to the bathroom counter. He goes for Kevin’s lips without a second of doubt. Such a risk - but then again how many years in the making are they? There is no personal space between them.
“This side of you,” Kibum says into Kevin’s mouth, “Makes it really difficult for me to do things like, like. Like focus. It’s hot and - and I just want to - and you, I need you and you’re so - ”
And who knows what else, because Kibum stops talking just as abruptly as he started. Who cares what he’s saying? It doesn’t have any importance. Kevin knows the rambling is more to fill the space with noise and all the while Kibum’s asking for permission to do what he wants without actually asking for the complicated, verbal answer. He traces the edge of Kevin’s mouth with his own and then they are kissing again.
Kibum lifts Kevin by the thighs and sets him on the edge of the sink and Kevin groans at seeing Kibum’s arm muscles flexing in his peripherals because he is secretly a bit of a girl for Kibum and Kibum’s muscles are a turn on, how did he never know that before right now?
We should stop, Kevin thinks, this is bad and haphazard and we’ll regret it.
But Kibum is taking the lead, setting the pace, and Kevin always, always follows him sooner or later.
They somehow dislodge from the counter and tumble into Kibum’s bedroom and Kibum lands heavily on top of Kevin, who is gasping and hard and blinking into the darkness.
“We shouldn’t,” Kevin mewls as Kibum slides a thigh between his and Kevin can’t not grind down. “Sorry to rile you up before or whatever, but - hey look at me - calm down. Stop.”
Kibum pulls back, fingers still skating slowly, lazily, for Kevin’s pants zipper. “Mm, no you calm down.”
And once Kibum has gotten Kevin’s zipper out of the way, he tugs at Kevin’s cock, defiant and sure, whispers, “Make me stop,” and Kevin shuts up and lets come what may.
-
The sex wasn’t really on purpose, but, Kevin reasons, it’s not like he did anything to stop it. He’s allowed it to happen and now he’s laying in Kibum’s bed curled on his side, thinking.
“Kevin?” Kibum’s voice is too loud in the quiet aftermath, he can never get his volume right for the situation.
A minute passes before Kevin responds. “Yeah, Kibum?”
Kibum says nothing and it’s not like Kevin knows what he wants Kibum to say. The sex, post coital, is awkward and it is weird to bring that up with ‘so now what’s up with us since we just, you know, boned each other’.
“I,” Kevin tries instead. “I didn’t.” And he stops because he didn’t what?
Out of the blue, Kibum goes, “Hey, wanna go for dukbokgi? I know a place that’s open this late.”
And Kevin is not going to say no because he’s hungry and dukbokgi sounds nice and it’s Kibum and he wasn’t kidding before, he’ll follow Kibum to ends of the Earth and back if Kibum asks. It’s kind of sad, but that’s how it is.
At the restaurant, the noona keeps looking at them funny and it’s probably because it’s late and only couples come out to places like this together. Suddenly he worries if his hair is sticking up weird, if he still smells like sex, like must and sweat layered sneakily under the scent of Kibum’s soap. Maybe his eyes are dilated from sex - he’s read online somewhere that that happens - or maybe they’re really stupidly obvious.
“You can calm down now,” Kibum says casually, “I can see the panic on your face.”
“Oh.” Kevin taps on the table and tries to do just that, “Alright, I’ll keep that in mind.” They’re them, he goes on convincing himself in his head, it shouldn’t be complicated, and if gets complicated they’ll figure it out fine.
They eat dukbokgi and talk about random cool acts for the concert for the rest of the night. It’s totally like they didn’t have sex. Except they did and Kevin has to make himself stop thinking about it obsessively in every pause of the conversation.