A Satire, as promised.
So this assignment for my Dean's Book class was inspired about an African man who wrote a satire piece on how to write about Africa. Our assignment was to do the same but on one of the following topics: UMass, the United States, or "your worst relationship". In true Carrie Bradshaw fashion I picked the last one. Let's see if you can guess who it's with. Yay! (PS I just watched Season One, Episode Three of Sex and the City. Thank God for that fuzzy pink notebook).
In writing about my most---ahem---interesting relationship, one must consider many things. First, make sure the focus is on how truly in love the two of us were. You could describe the two of us as completely open and sure of ourselves, not to mention inseparable. Almost daily, I would shout my love for him from a mountaintop, just so that everyone in the whole world would hear how wonderful our loving relationship was for me. In fact I would make a point of bringing my ex to visit my mother at her office, just so that she could see how truly happy her son was. My mother approved of the entire affair: how the two of us would hold hands in the halls, and how the two of us were the cutest teenage couple that ever went to the movies on a Saturday night.
Second, talk about how all of my friends idolized my ex. They all thought that he was perfect. Some of their favorites were how he carried a stylish messenger bag and how he would wear modest white-rimmed sunglasses. However much they liked his clothes, they said that his best attributes were his spiky coiffure and his “model strut.” Some of my friends also said that he smelled wonderful; the Abercrombie and Fitch scent to match his Abercrombie and Fitch looks.
Third, talk about how we had a way of keeping to ourselves at parties. People would constantly ask why the two of us never went to parties; most likely because we were so mild-mannered and made such a subtle entrance that they never noticed we were there. We never danced because we thought it was silly---honestly, what teenage couple dances? Most importantly, we would never even think of participating in any sort of inappropriate physical activities in fear of both ruining our outfits and our “perfect couple” image.
After discussing the important facts of our relationship, it’s important to check for some things that most definitely have no place in my story. Don’t even think of mentioning the closet in any way other than a place where one keeps their clothes. Neither of us was afraid of being different, especially me. Also, don’t mention that we met during rehearsals for a musical: it makes us sound too flamboyant, which would hurt my ex’s macho man reputation. No mention of gossip is necessary, either, as both of us were friends with the “right” people; though his friends were certainly much classier than mine. However, the most important topic to avoid is cheating. My ex-boyfriend and I were completely committed to each other, and nothing---especially another boy---could come between us. In the same way, one should avoid that it was his unfaithfulness that caused our demise; because we all know that it was my bisexual orientation that made him nervous.
At the end of the story, put in something about him writing me a letter on facebook asking for my forgiveness. It’s imperative that I respond with a heart-felt acceptance, and that the two of us reconcile and face the world together. Everyone knows that’s how all coming of age gay couples find themselves eventually.
In writing about my most---ahem---interesting relationship, one must consider many things. First, make sure the focus is on how truly in love the two of us were. You could describe the two of us as completely open and sure of ourselves, not to mention inseparable. Almost daily, I would shout my love for him from a mountaintop, just so that everyone in the whole world would hear how wonderful our loving relationship was for me. In fact I would make a point of bringing my ex to visit my mother at her office, just so that she could see how truly happy her son was. My mother approved of the entire affair: how the two of us would hold hands in the halls, and how the two of us were the cutest teenage couple that ever went to the movies on a Saturday night.
Second, talk about how all of my friends idolized my ex. They all thought that he was perfect. Some of their favorites were how he carried a stylish messenger bag and how he would wear modest white-rimmed sunglasses. However much they liked his clothes, they said that his best attributes were his spiky coiffure and his “model strut.” Some of my friends also said that he smelled wonderful; the Abercrombie and Fitch scent to match his Abercrombie and Fitch looks.
Third, talk about how we had a way of keeping to ourselves at parties. People would constantly ask why the two of us never went to parties; most likely because we were so mild-mannered and made such a subtle entrance that they never noticed we were there. We never danced because we thought it was silly---honestly, what teenage couple dances? Most importantly, we would never even think of participating in any sort of inappropriate physical activities in fear of both ruining our outfits and our “perfect couple” image.
After discussing the important facts of our relationship, it’s important to check for some things that most definitely have no place in my story. Don’t even think of mentioning the closet in any way other than a place where one keeps their clothes. Neither of us was afraid of being different, especially me. Also, don’t mention that we met during rehearsals for a musical: it makes us sound too flamboyant, which would hurt my ex’s macho man reputation. No mention of gossip is necessary, either, as both of us were friends with the “right” people; though his friends were certainly much classier than mine. However, the most important topic to avoid is cheating. My ex-boyfriend and I were completely committed to each other, and nothing---especially another boy---could come between us. In the same way, one should avoid that it was his unfaithfulness that caused our demise; because we all know that it was my bisexual orientation that made him nervous.
At the end of the story, put in something about him writing me a letter on facebook asking for my forgiveness. It’s imperative that I respond with a heart-felt acceptance, and that the two of us reconcile and face the world together. Everyone knows that’s how all coming of age gay couples find themselves eventually.