what ....
Okay...so...I'm back on this Livejournal thing after a long hiatus...crazyiness....there always is....but mostly...there's just mopeyness....mopey and moody...and depressed...I have no reason for any of these emotions....except for I could say it's a bumpy road back from an addiction.....I've done it before...I just thought it would be easier this time...nope...still is....fucked up emotions abound once again.....I understand the process better now....I never understand why it takes so long, but....I think it does....it's an entire lifestyle change...one I've done before....it's a cold turkey process....that includes cutting out one of the things I enjoy most in my life....music....fortunately, just a temporary thing...but...it seems like an eternity....this time there's an ex involved in the process...which makes it all kind of wierd...and somehow more difficult....as I've moved on from that scene...he's stayed in it.....and there's a part of me that's jealous of him...he's off hanging with the fun crowd, and I've got myself so immersed in my freaking art, that I can't hardly breathe......which...is kind of good...but...once again....I feel frumpy....I live the life of a frumpy old woman, hanging out with the housewives doing stained glass, learning to crochet from the neighbor(who happens to be a transsexual), trying to figure out how to do my website (I seem to have this unrealistic idea that if I can figure out what to put on my website, I'll know who I am -- too bad I'm fucking terrible at setting that shit up....something keeps hanging me up.....perhaps it's me...and my deep down inability to figure out who the hell I am....this is obviously a difficult thing for me...I keep thinking I'm cool....but who am I kidding....there are a million really cool people out there, and I don't show one iota of cool anymore....if only frumpy would be the new cool...I could handle that.....)
There's lots of crap going on in my life now....and none of it really justifies my moods and emotions....mom and dad are divorcing, mom is losing her mind more every day....and it's a bit disconcerting, because my last boyfriend compared me to my mother far too many times....and...as much as I hate to say it, there's quite a bit of my mom in me.....I've worked hard to stay balanced...but...it's difficult.....and my dad...well, I feel sorry for him, but he has even less of a life than I do....which makes it difficult to talk to him....he still thinks things are the way they were back in the 50's .....and it's terribly irritating sometimes....And...my brother and sister in law are expecting a baby...and I'm so happy for them...but...once again, kind of jealous, as they seem to have the picture perfect life....and I'm sure there's something fucked up with their lives (well, my brother works for a large nasty chemical company called Dow for one thing)....but it all seems so perfect on the fluffy exterior...they have a house ('course, they live in bumfucked Michigan)....just got their masters degrees (a double ceremony -- how fucking sappy is that?)....and now they're off to reproductive land to create lotsa conservative babies....at least this one is scheduled to be a Leo....maybe that will be some kind of saving grace for the poor child.....
I don't guess I can mope any more than this, as I'm sick and should get to bed....I've gotten sick every month this winter.....starting with October.....morning gooo in my head.....scary freaking yellow/grey shit....my acupuncturist says it's probably from the cigarettes that I've smoked..god...I had hoped that shit had left my body a long time ago....as I've totally quit 6 months ago....and have seriously tapered off for about a year now....okay...mucous taking over my ability to breathe....must get water......
There's lots of crap going on in my life now....and none of it really justifies my moods and emotions....mom and dad are divorcing, mom is losing her mind more every day....and it's a bit disconcerting, because my last boyfriend compared me to my mother far too many times....and...as much as I hate to say it, there's quite a bit of my mom in me.....I've worked hard to stay balanced...but...it's difficult.....and my dad...well, I feel sorry for him, but he has even less of a life than I do....which makes it difficult to talk to him....he still thinks things are the way they were back in the 50's .....and it's terribly irritating sometimes....And...my brother and sister in law are expecting a baby...and I'm so happy for them...but...once again, kind of jealous, as they seem to have the picture perfect life....and I'm sure there's something fucked up with their lives (well, my brother works for a large nasty chemical company called Dow for one thing)....but it all seems so perfect on the fluffy exterior...they have a house ('course, they live in bumfucked Michigan)....just got their masters degrees (a double ceremony -- how fucking sappy is that?)....and now they're off to reproductive land to create lotsa conservative babies....at least this one is scheduled to be a Leo....maybe that will be some kind of saving grace for the poor child.....
I don't guess I can mope any more than this, as I'm sick and should get to bed....I've gotten sick every month this winter.....starting with October.....morning gooo in my head.....scary freaking yellow/grey shit....my acupuncturist says it's probably from the cigarettes that I've smoked..god...I had hoped that shit had left my body a long time ago....as I've totally quit 6 months ago....and have seriously tapered off for about a year now....okay...mucous taking over my ability to breathe....must get water......