(no subject)
well, if this hasn't been the worst day in god-knows-how-long. i can't even type it without crying. kyle & i broke up.. or sorry, we're "on a break." it's just.. he's so clingy and i just can't stand it.. so i told him i needed some space. he said "you mean, you want to break up with me." and i said "i want to take a break... i want some time apart.. temporarily." i explained to him i was in a relationship for 7 months and i broke up with him because i didn't want a boyfriend and then a week later i got with him, and we had been together for 4 months. i couldn't even remember what it's like to be single. he said "so does this mean whenever i see you, i can't kiss you, i can't hold you?" why does this hurt so bad? if it's what i want, why is it killing me? he's so important to me and i can't stand this. it's hurting him so badly. but i need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me first. i need to figure out why i'm so emotional, why he can look at me the wrong way and i can just go off and yell at him and treat him like shit. i'm tired of treating him so badly because he deserves so much better. god i just freakin hate myself right now. i just want to die.. i wish this were all over. i can't handle this guilt, and knowing that i'm hurting kyle.. i care about him so much. i just wish he had never met me.. it kills me to know he may be crying right now. god i can't even stand this.. it didn't even hurt this bad with chris. when i broke up with chris, i felt guilty.. and i cried a lot.. but at the same time i felt relieved. now i just feel as if i've done the wrong thing. but i know i have to do this. i want to be a better girlfriend to him than i was. i don't know what makes me act like such a bitch to him.. but i do and i have to fix it. i have to make it through this semester and that's enough to worry about.. i can't worry about a boyfriend too. if i did i couldn't give him the attention he needs and deserves. he might not see it now but it's better for him this way. so why do i hate myself so much now?