for the occassion of you being pretty.
This is my pretty pretty little sister. We went to the park yesterday and took pictures to celebrate how our family is immigrants and we don't care for thanksgiving all that much.
On the Saturday, mom cooked a turkey and all else and a bunch of her friends came over to play cards for money. The best part was when my mom put down the cauliflower with cheese sauce on it beside the turkey and mashed potatoes and one of the older women, filipino, looked at it and said in tagalog "so... this is what white people eat huh?" And I laughed because she's probably never ever seen mashed potatoes or cauliflower before. There was this little kid that reminded me of me when I was a kid and got that rare gift of precious mashed potatoes instead of rice, she filled her plate with it and soaked it in gravy and went "mmmmmm... masshhhhed potatoooooess". I remember that joy, white people food was so exotic. My moms friends came with their children and I hate them so me and my sister sat in my car in the backyard talking about our life plans until it was time to get ready for the performance, where we practically ran in the house and into her room where I got jazzed up then ran away.
There was a performance at this girls debut at the clarion, everyone laughed at me when I was the first to exit the changeroom/bathroom in my costume with white jock socks and platform beige shoes. It was a happenin' look. The performance was weak but quick and funny. During the first dance the music cut out so the rest of us sung the music for our dancers, crappily. And before we were introduced as kayumanggi which is the OTHER filipino dance group in the city and when we heard that we were all outside of the ballroom and we were like "OOOOHHHHH!!!!!" then I guess the MC and everyone in the ballroom heard and re-introduced as properly.
My sleeping problem. Went to ladies night at the bar this weekend and it was packed, it usually isn't, but Adrea figures that she goes out enough that it's fair to conclude that because it was a weekend where we all have to go and see our families the next day all the lesbians go out drinking, heavily. Which made sense. I went home after 2 something, dropped off marley and jackie, and went to bed knowing I wasn't gonna sleep anytime soon, and also knowing that I had to get up at 730 for work. I didn't get to sleep until after 5:20, at least that was the last time I checked the clock. Oh and I felt so sad, so undesired. I wrote in my journal a bit and concluded that I am undesired because I don't desire myself.. if that makes sense. After 2 hours of awful sleep I went to work and the shift went by really quickly. When I got home I tried to take a nap but wasn't having that, and just ran on autopilot mode for another day. I get that so tired I feel like I'm gonna throw up all the time feeling, which makes it hard to sleep too. I don't know what to do about the sleeping problem, I've had this before but never this bad. I don't want to go on prescription drugs because they don't solve the problem, and I already feel bad about abusing over-the-counters with shots of alcohol before bed just so I can get some sleep. I need to change my life. I need like, a religious experience. Or a really good fuck.
And then I jumped for joy because.. I don't know, but it felt appropriate.
I watched "The Science of Sleep" with my sister at the globe, it was a cute movie, there was this part where he was trying to get this girl to like him and he wanted to give her this "one second time machine" (you could go back or forward one second in time) that he made and she was like.. "what is this for? what's the occassion?" and he was like .."for the occassion of you being pretty".. and me and my sister melted and went "awwwwww", then felt like retards coz there was like 4 other people in the theatre. It was a weekend full eating left-overs for dinner, and awful intermidtant sleep for desert!
I spend my days wandering around the neighbourhood, or going for a random drive, looking for something, hoping it'll be the me I lost. I write lists and lists and make plans upon plans with my head spinning. Nothing is certain and it's the things I want that are always changing that bother me the most. You'd think wanting something would be enough to give you direction, but I can't even stick to what it is that I want. I hardly know what I need but I know it's not this.
I'm more aggitated than I've ever been, I can't sleep, and when I do it's terrible. I go out and want the company of others, then I come home and never want to see anyone again. I'm so tired of being tired of being tired. I'm meaner than I've ever been, I'm holding on to grudges that I would never even imagine before. I want to find someone who'll talk and talk and talk to me, that I can just listen to for awhile because I'm so tired of listening to myself. I call this brief interlude of emo: ode to lj angst.
The other day I forgot that I agreed to come over to Mel and Christeens to help them beat this Grand Theft Auto mission that they couldn't do and Mel thought that the only person that could possibly posses the super awesome skills needed to accomplish it- would be me, so I went over there and beat it for them, amazingly, because I've never actually done it before, (it's that damned "red baron" mission, where you're the toy airplane with a machine gun in it and you have to shoot down the messengers).. I've gotten close before but it makes me angry because it's so hard that I always give up and throw the controller against the wall a la teenage boy who can't control his emotions-style. So now I've beat it on their game but now my own. Then we ate cake and jumped on the trampoline in the dark and I was a little scared, and then we watched chapelle show. That's what I call a good time.
Then I acted like a poser. picture taking is fun.
"There's no story. It's just people, gestures, moments, bits of rapture, fleeting emotions. In short, the greatest story ever told."
-waking life
I must stop quoting this film eventually.
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