(no subject)
I went to the senior dinner this monday. I sat in the bathroom and cried because I'm a loser. All the people who were my friends simply aren't anymore. I've lost two people I loved and cared for very much for stupid on both sides. I sat with people who used to be my friends but it's quite obvious that we don't have anything in common anymore and I just didn't feel wanted. That's exactly the feeling- I don't feel wanted or needed for that matter.
My mother, bless her heart, is trying to something nice for my graduation and for my eighteenth birthday coming up. She tried to ask who my good friends were and which relatives I liked as though she were trying to secretly plan some kind of party or arrangement of gifts. With my heart in my throat, I listed the few names I could think of, with some I knew no longer truly cared about me. My friendships, what I had left after my tenth and eleventh grade year in school have all dwindled and disapated or altogether died suddenly.
I want to cry but I can't. Crying is simply not what I do. I worry and I regret and I hate myself for the things I've done and I dwell in the past, hoping for some other chance. I want Chelsea to forgive me and be my best friend again. I want Amanda to forgive me and be in my life again. I want Denna to forgive me and be able to talk to me again and be loose and free with me. I want Ashley to move closer so she and I can get closer again. I saw her today, when we were taking our AP Lit. exams. We talked and I had forgotten how much fun she was and how great she was to talk to. I miss them all, especially those who hate me now. I miss Carly who moved so long ago. I miss Lisa and Stephanie, people I've never met.
All I have left is Aiden, Matt and Michelle and Thomas. Aiden is like a kid brother to me and I love him dearly. I watch over him and take care of him. He knows me, knows how I work and that when I wear a certain sweater, I feel like a bitch without me ever having told him. Matt and Michelle are my refuge, my home away from home. Thomas is my love. He what makes the day better. He is who I can run to, someone I can always talk to, someone who knows my faults and loves me anyways. He is truly beautiful. He always does that small extra thing that makes me feel special, loved, wanted.
I am so torn and tattered, broken and ashamed of who I am and what I've done.
And I'm bipolar. There is finally an explaination for what I feel, for what goes on and this title doesn't make me feel any better, just more like an outcast. I just want people to understand that when I hurt them, I didn't mean to and if I did mean to, it wasn't all my fault but partly this disorder. I'm not blaming it all on something else, I'm just explaining. I have so many regrets of all the stupid choices that I've made. I appreciate who I am now, the knowledge that I've accquired but there is so much pain and so many experiences I don't want.
I've been put on Lamictal, a mood stabalizer, obviously used to treat bipolar disorder. I don't think it's working, I don't think it will work but the results on it's validity will be evident at the completion of a month. The dosage adds up as weeks pass and soon I'll be up to 100mg of Lamictal every night before I go to sleep. I want to remain myself but be stable, feel like everyone else does. I take Ambien to sleep at night, to forget things that happened, to quiet my mind so that I can sleep peacefully, away from nightmares. It kills insomnia and bad dreams.
I go to therapy once a week and pretend that talking about my problems will solve anything. I don't want to go. I want to crawl up and fade away but that's not an option.
I create art. I write poetry. I journal. I cut. I eat. I refuse to cry. I sing. I love. I regret. I hurt. I fall apart and no one notices.
But that's okay. I always make it out on my own. I don't have any other choice.
My mother, bless her heart, is trying to something nice for my graduation and for my eighteenth birthday coming up. She tried to ask who my good friends were and which relatives I liked as though she were trying to secretly plan some kind of party or arrangement of gifts. With my heart in my throat, I listed the few names I could think of, with some I knew no longer truly cared about me. My friendships, what I had left after my tenth and eleventh grade year in school have all dwindled and disapated or altogether died suddenly.
I want to cry but I can't. Crying is simply not what I do. I worry and I regret and I hate myself for the things I've done and I dwell in the past, hoping for some other chance. I want Chelsea to forgive me and be my best friend again. I want Amanda to forgive me and be in my life again. I want Denna to forgive me and be able to talk to me again and be loose and free with me. I want Ashley to move closer so she and I can get closer again. I saw her today, when we were taking our AP Lit. exams. We talked and I had forgotten how much fun she was and how great she was to talk to. I miss them all, especially those who hate me now. I miss Carly who moved so long ago. I miss Lisa and Stephanie, people I've never met.
All I have left is Aiden, Matt and Michelle and Thomas. Aiden is like a kid brother to me and I love him dearly. I watch over him and take care of him. He knows me, knows how I work and that when I wear a certain sweater, I feel like a bitch without me ever having told him. Matt and Michelle are my refuge, my home away from home. Thomas is my love. He what makes the day better. He is who I can run to, someone I can always talk to, someone who knows my faults and loves me anyways. He is truly beautiful. He always does that small extra thing that makes me feel special, loved, wanted.
I am so torn and tattered, broken and ashamed of who I am and what I've done.
And I'm bipolar. There is finally an explaination for what I feel, for what goes on and this title doesn't make me feel any better, just more like an outcast. I just want people to understand that when I hurt them, I didn't mean to and if I did mean to, it wasn't all my fault but partly this disorder. I'm not blaming it all on something else, I'm just explaining. I have so many regrets of all the stupid choices that I've made. I appreciate who I am now, the knowledge that I've accquired but there is so much pain and so many experiences I don't want.
I've been put on Lamictal, a mood stabalizer, obviously used to treat bipolar disorder. I don't think it's working, I don't think it will work but the results on it's validity will be evident at the completion of a month. The dosage adds up as weeks pass and soon I'll be up to 100mg of Lamictal every night before I go to sleep. I want to remain myself but be stable, feel like everyone else does. I take Ambien to sleep at night, to forget things that happened, to quiet my mind so that I can sleep peacefully, away from nightmares. It kills insomnia and bad dreams.
I go to therapy once a week and pretend that talking about my problems will solve anything. I don't want to go. I want to crawl up and fade away but that's not an option.
I create art. I write poetry. I journal. I cut. I eat. I refuse to cry. I sing. I love. I regret. I hurt. I fall apart and no one notices.
But that's okay. I always make it out on my own. I don't have any other choice.