This thing we call life..
I wonder what life would be like without death. I suppose the world would be so overpopulated by now we'd be packed in like sardines here... and that means everyone who has ever lived so far would still be alive. There are only certain people I still want alive. I don't know where I am going with this I just feel the need to see my words out loud so I can get a handle on the moment. I had a friend on the island who described me as 'a Bee flying from flower to flower, trying to find Happiness'.. and it reminds me of a quote from Bruce Lee that says, 'Be happy, but never satisfied.' In this moment I am happy, but I am not satisfied. There is so much beauty in this world, how can anyone be satisfied with living in the same place their entire life and never experience it? I am sure there are those in my family now who do not agree with this life. But I never go anywhere without knowing I am safe and secure in my new environment. We find a decent neighborhood,set a budget,make sure my son has medical/dental coverage,and we are prepared for unexpected changes.
Funny thing about families.. they all want you to live close by, but when you are, they don't make much effort to be with you when you are there. I see my family about as much now as when we lived in town. I won't go into detail much about this, but the loved ones in my life who accepted me for who I am have mostly died. By that I mean people are always trying to change something about me. I hope I am not guilty of this because I try to encourage people to 'Be who you are.' Unless it's mean and hurtful to others or yourself.. but I am naive to think everyone is nice. Some are just mean and hurtful. I need to re-evaluate myself on this one.
I am tired of death. I hate this part of living. I have never felt so alone. I mean, I have my son & husband, but I lost my aunt the beginning of this year. I felt it coming. I had to leave. But I tried and tried to get together on several occasions before we left, but she was always busy with other plans. So we moved. We came back for a week in November. We couldn't do Christmas. After the holidays, she called me a week before she died and asked me to move back. She knew her time was ending.
Christmas for us was rough. We poured all of our holiday money into a used vehicle we bought, didn't have any money to spend on family, much less ourselves. I never told anyone. I didn't want them to worry. We had money for survival. That was it. I wanted this move to work. We survived. We are doing okay. Things are getting better and baby is fine. He is definitely his own person. He has this laugh that just tickles me, 'Heh-heh-heh', like he's impressed that 'I'm-old-and-can-still-be-kinda-funny' laugh. lol, it cracks me up. He can count to twenty. He can identify Yuccas,Cactus,Junipers. Knows all his colors. He loves watching me be creative. It's cool. He gets jealous if we pet Xiola too much. If we play guitar, he has to play too. We went to the Four Corners Monument the other day, there were people all around, everyone standing around the emblem, taking turns posing, and we finally get a turn for baby to stand on the Four Corners, and I ask him to let me take a picture and he starts dancing in front of everyone! It was cute. I never know what he's going to do. Some days he's fine with pictures, other times not at all. He seems to be outgrowing his shy phase. I love that. Talking about my son gives me hope for the future, and I believe we're going to be okay. I miss everyone I have lost. I just lost a cousin who was a couple years younger than me. He was one of my favorite cousins. I have an old polaroid where we are sitting together on his mom's porch, I'm about 3, he's barely a yr old.. he's got his little cowboy hat & coveralls on. He always looked out for me, like a brother. I miss my little brother.
Funny thing about families.. they all want you to live close by, but when you are, they don't make much effort to be with you when you are there. I see my family about as much now as when we lived in town. I won't go into detail much about this, but the loved ones in my life who accepted me for who I am have mostly died. By that I mean people are always trying to change something about me. I hope I am not guilty of this because I try to encourage people to 'Be who you are.' Unless it's mean and hurtful to others or yourself.. but I am naive to think everyone is nice. Some are just mean and hurtful. I need to re-evaluate myself on this one.
I am tired of death. I hate this part of living. I have never felt so alone. I mean, I have my son & husband, but I lost my aunt the beginning of this year. I felt it coming. I had to leave. But I tried and tried to get together on several occasions before we left, but she was always busy with other plans. So we moved. We came back for a week in November. We couldn't do Christmas. After the holidays, she called me a week before she died and asked me to move back. She knew her time was ending.
Christmas for us was rough. We poured all of our holiday money into a used vehicle we bought, didn't have any money to spend on family, much less ourselves. I never told anyone. I didn't want them to worry. We had money for survival. That was it. I wanted this move to work. We survived. We are doing okay. Things are getting better and baby is fine. He is definitely his own person. He has this laugh that just tickles me, 'Heh-heh-heh', like he's impressed that 'I'm-old-and-can-still-be-kinda-funny' laugh. lol, it cracks me up. He can count to twenty. He can identify Yuccas,Cactus,Junipers. Knows all his colors. He loves watching me be creative. It's cool. He gets jealous if we pet Xiola too much. If we play guitar, he has to play too. We went to the Four Corners Monument the other day, there were people all around, everyone standing around the emblem, taking turns posing, and we finally get a turn for baby to stand on the Four Corners, and I ask him to let me take a picture and he starts dancing in front of everyone! It was cute. I never know what he's going to do. Some days he's fine with pictures, other times not at all. He seems to be outgrowing his shy phase. I love that. Talking about my son gives me hope for the future, and I believe we're going to be okay. I miss everyone I have lost. I just lost a cousin who was a couple years younger than me. He was one of my favorite cousins. I have an old polaroid where we are sitting together on his mom's porch, I'm about 3, he's barely a yr old.. he's got his little cowboy hat & coveralls on. He always looked out for me, like a brother. I miss my little brother.