FACT!
Oh dear god... thanks to Dave and Ian/r3public0n for introducing me to all the fun that will make you laugh, pee, and die a little bit inside. Here are a few of my favorites:
Chuck Norris FACTS
* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he roundhouse-kicks himself in the face.
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
* Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
* Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
* Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that is actually "his" way.
* Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him.
* Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
* In the unlikely event that Mr. T ever pitied himself, the universe would immediately reboot to 1982.
* If you tune your police scanner to 138.225 Mhz, you will hear Mr. T's thoughts. They will, however, be the last thing you hear... because the sheer awesomeness of his thoughts will make your head explode.
* Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
* Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
* Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.
Chuck Norris FACTS
* Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
* Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
* Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he roundhouse-kicks himself in the face.
* Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
* Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
* Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
* Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
* Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
* Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
* Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
* Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
* When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
* Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that is actually "his" way.
* Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is too afraid to shine on him.
* Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.
* In the unlikely event that Mr. T ever pitied himself, the universe would immediately reboot to 1982.
* If you tune your police scanner to 138.225 Mhz, you will hear Mr. T's thoughts. They will, however, be the last thing you hear... because the sheer awesomeness of his thoughts will make your head explode.
* Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.
* Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.
* Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.