Life of Jen
So, its late at night. Today's been the best day I've had in a very long time. Probably because I feel like what I'm doing is worthwhile for a change. I've been busy, and maybe somewhat inaccessible to some of the people in my life.
I started doing my work study this week, and I really find that I enjoy it. I feel like I'm helping people, maybe making something of a difference in the lives of people who would otherwise not have the chance to do something greater with their lives.
There was this one couple today that came in. She was the wife of a former Marine, who was 100% disabled. I got a real picture of her life. She kind of reminded me of my sister, about the same age. She was the kind of woman whose had to work her whole life just to scrape by. And now, it was her chance to follow a passion she'd been slowly pursuing for years. Today, I found myself feeling hopeful. I hadn't realized that I'd lost that feeling, but today, seeing those people come in and try to make a change and get an education... It made me proud. I haven't done something that made me feel like that in a long time, and that feeling just sorta pervaded most of the day.
For the first time in a long time, I felt hope for myself and those people. I felt joy, and I felt happy. I took Tyler down to Clark and got him started down the road to college, and maybe making something out of his life. Things with him are good for now, though I'm wondering when his mercurial temperment will go back to being cold. But, he has been helping me realize certain things about myself that I never really looked at. I don't want to fuck things up with him, though there are times when I am definitely pretty flakey. I don't like that about myself, and I kinda wonder when that started happening with me.
I know in a way... since my grandfather died, I haven't really been the person that I was. I've always just kinda put that up to grief, but I know now that it's been something else wrong with me at heart. Leaving Afghanistan for that funeral, being there when he died... I realize now that all the passion and the pride I had died there. But, now I guess I feel... different. The 1 year anniversary of his death is coming up soon, just a few days away. I still miss him. But, today was the first time in a long time that I really felt like myself. I felt that same fire and energy that made me a good soldier, a good technician, and a good friend. I want to keep being This Me.
I don't want my Hope to die again. I got a text message today from the lady I met at Cinco de Mayo's that kept trying to get me to go to her church. I do believe that God has everything happen for a reason. I feel like maybe, I can see part of hte picture of what my life holds. I see where my life is going, and I feel truly happy for the first time in ages. I don't really see how I could want more. I have a great boyfriend, my family and old friends are close by, I'm intellectually challenged, have a job I find fulfilling... I feel freer thaan I have in a very long time. I have no regrets.
I should sleep now, but I just felt like saying all this. It felt like it needed to get out. Later Journal Junkies.
I started doing my work study this week, and I really find that I enjoy it. I feel like I'm helping people, maybe making something of a difference in the lives of people who would otherwise not have the chance to do something greater with their lives.
There was this one couple today that came in. She was the wife of a former Marine, who was 100% disabled. I got a real picture of her life. She kind of reminded me of my sister, about the same age. She was the kind of woman whose had to work her whole life just to scrape by. And now, it was her chance to follow a passion she'd been slowly pursuing for years. Today, I found myself feeling hopeful. I hadn't realized that I'd lost that feeling, but today, seeing those people come in and try to make a change and get an education... It made me proud. I haven't done something that made me feel like that in a long time, and that feeling just sorta pervaded most of the day.
For the first time in a long time, I felt hope for myself and those people. I felt joy, and I felt happy. I took Tyler down to Clark and got him started down the road to college, and maybe making something out of his life. Things with him are good for now, though I'm wondering when his mercurial temperment will go back to being cold. But, he has been helping me realize certain things about myself that I never really looked at. I don't want to fuck things up with him, though there are times when I am definitely pretty flakey. I don't like that about myself, and I kinda wonder when that started happening with me.
I know in a way... since my grandfather died, I haven't really been the person that I was. I've always just kinda put that up to grief, but I know now that it's been something else wrong with me at heart. Leaving Afghanistan for that funeral, being there when he died... I realize now that all the passion and the pride I had died there. But, now I guess I feel... different. The 1 year anniversary of his death is coming up soon, just a few days away. I still miss him. But, today was the first time in a long time that I really felt like myself. I felt that same fire and energy that made me a good soldier, a good technician, and a good friend. I want to keep being This Me.
I don't want my Hope to die again. I got a text message today from the lady I met at Cinco de Mayo's that kept trying to get me to go to her church. I do believe that God has everything happen for a reason. I feel like maybe, I can see part of hte picture of what my life holds. I see where my life is going, and I feel truly happy for the first time in ages. I don't really see how I could want more. I have a great boyfriend, my family and old friends are close by, I'm intellectually challenged, have a job I find fulfilling... I feel freer thaan I have in a very long time. I have no regrets.
I should sleep now, but I just felt like saying all this. It felt like it needed to get out. Later Journal Junkies.