Anxiety
I'm at my parent's house, supposed to be having dinner. I feel really anti-social, but I thought coming over here would ease my mind a bit. School is starting soon, and soon I'll have to work, and I find myself plagued with my inner doubts, about everything.
What if things with Tyler don't work out? What if I suck at school? What if I hate my job? What if this is all that there is for me? Will I look back on the past 6 years of my life and wonder... Did I do the right thing? What if that was the peak of my life? Part of me wants to settle down, have steady long-term relationships, get married, have kids, have a career... But, there's still htat part of me that rebels against the norm. Part of me wants to see foreign lands, and have exotic lovers, and do the things few others do. Will I always be plagued by wanderlust?
Sometimes, I feel like I just rejected one cage for another. And lately, say the past few days... I guess starting tomorrow, I'm starting the new life I thought I would love. And part of me has been supremely happy, if not all of me. But, now... Now, I can tell that the dark, fucked up voices in my head is trying to surface. And it wants me to fuck up all my plans. It wants me to lose the boyfriend, quit school before I begin, and take another road. Like, trying to get that AGR job in Tacoma. It wants me to forget about my friends here, and my family, and be totally selfish and make a clean start somewhere that no one knows me.
This is me, at my most honest, raw, and ultimately, self-destructive. In fact, even posting this is self-destructive. I've been sabotaging myself for awhile now. I guess I just finally wanted to tell someone else about it. Sometimes, I really do hate myself.
I hate myself today.
What if things with Tyler don't work out? What if I suck at school? What if I hate my job? What if this is all that there is for me? Will I look back on the past 6 years of my life and wonder... Did I do the right thing? What if that was the peak of my life? Part of me wants to settle down, have steady long-term relationships, get married, have kids, have a career... But, there's still htat part of me that rebels against the norm. Part of me wants to see foreign lands, and have exotic lovers, and do the things few others do. Will I always be plagued by wanderlust?
Sometimes, I feel like I just rejected one cage for another. And lately, say the past few days... I guess starting tomorrow, I'm starting the new life I thought I would love. And part of me has been supremely happy, if not all of me. But, now... Now, I can tell that the dark, fucked up voices in my head is trying to surface. And it wants me to fuck up all my plans. It wants me to lose the boyfriend, quit school before I begin, and take another road. Like, trying to get that AGR job in Tacoma. It wants me to forget about my friends here, and my family, and be totally selfish and make a clean start somewhere that no one knows me.
This is me, at my most honest, raw, and ultimately, self-destructive. In fact, even posting this is self-destructive. I've been sabotaging myself for awhile now. I guess I just finally wanted to tell someone else about it. Sometimes, I really do hate myself.
I hate myself today.