Heylo!
Welp its me again... Unfortunatly, Welp Im off to camp tomarrow for yet another week! YaY! And I went to Magic Mountain a few days ago, I had a really good time! Jen Took me! Shes sorta thoughtful sometimes. Sweet girl... But we have been having problems and I am at sort of a stand still at what to do... Here is the situation to the best I can explain it and please I need some feed back cause I dont have to many people I talk to about this sort of stuff anymore, Well here goes. We had sort of a fall out a few weeks ago, She was lying to me about the Matt situation, We werent official but she still lied to me and said nothing was happening and there was. She was confused I guess. But now she says she wants to be with me and only me he is over with, Keep in mind this is what she said before, But I do sense some sincerity in it this time. But she still insists that hes her Best friend and she cant give that up, She said she shouldnt have to give up a friendship for a relationship... Well in this situation Im begining to think that this is whats going to have to happen, I cant deal with always thinking something is up, She gets on the net it seems to talk to him and email him, She comes over here and every 10 min checks her email and hes the only one that emails her on a reg basis so it seems like she waits for his emails and crap, And I accidently read a email from him to her saying something like "I miss you sooo much I cant wait to see you YAY one more day" That would be tomarrow in wich I go to camp... Now am I crazy or paranoid?? I dont think so it makes me think there is still something going on, And even if there wasnt he still very much wants to be with her, And how is that bieng a "Best Friend" Getting in the way of something she has with me?? And constantly lying to her cheated on her with 2 diff girls... The list goes on. Oh and He seems to think I beat her... I havent bruised her once... She has a huge bruise on her arm from Him... I know it was an accident but still pretty lame that he thinks that. I just sometimes feel Im on the outside of this shit. She is still secreative with certian things with him. She walks around here like she dosent want to be here, Im feeling like she has more fun with him, And I have gotten to the point where Im sick of feeling like this, Like I have to watch what I do otherwise she will get mad and go with him. Im not gonna live like that I dont want to. I dont see him even as a remote possibilty as a friend to her at all, He is knowingly getting in between something that would make her happy, A friend would have stepped back and let this go where it should and maybe in the future come back as a friend, Not a friend with things still below the surface... Cause thats exactly what they have a friendship based on Jenn wanting it to be just a friendship, And I dont doubt he wants a friendship but he also wants more, Now where I come from If I went and hooked up with my Ex And she still wanted me really bad I wouldnt hang with her without atleast my GF bieng there, Now with them they dont want me around when they hang out... Makes me think something is still up, And Im probably wrong. But its there that thought wont go away after what happned how can it. She says if I said something along the lines as She had to choose between her "Friendship" with Matt and our relationship she would choose his friendship. Makes me think he is of more importance than I am... And thats how Im sure others would percieve it. I just still have so many little things that make it seem like there still messing around, I dont get cheated on, With all the bad shit I have done in the past I know getting cheated on is one thing I dont deserve. And feeling the way I do I dont deserve. She sometimes makes me feel like Im not good enough, And says how much Matt trys and blah blah blah, Well if hes so much better why the fuck are you here? She gets mad at me because I think they still like eachother, Well of course Im gonna think that when, The first person shes gonna see after Im gone is him... There going to do "BreakFast". After all the shit that happned I dont know how she can hang out with him alone without feeling alittle guilty, Or Like I have been saying they need a time out, A time where they can get over eachother cause this is just a fuckin cycle that wont go away otherwise. And Im sure Matt knows that and obviosly why he is fine with it... There is so much more things I want to say about this crap I can go on and on forever. But I feel like Im quick sand the more I fight the faster I sink. I should just give up and sink quietly... So Good Bye!