(no subject)
I don't exactly know what's happened in the past four hours. I feel stressed beyond belief, this is not like me. I feel like all my time at college is just going to turn out to be a waste. I was in bed 3.5 hours ago, and now I'm up and I don't even feel tired. I realized that I forgot to turn in a paper online on Thursday, and there's no late turn-ins, so I've received a failing grade on the paper. There's eight of these due for a total of 85% of my grade, so without that one paper I'm down to an 89%, IF I four-point everything else. I finished the paper, I think I did well on it, it's just an extra thing that slipped my mind and now I feel overwhelmed. On top of this, I just feel like this is all leading nowhere. I feel like no matter what I do I'm lying to myself and I'm lying to everyone else. I like the classes I'm in, I feel good about what I'm learning, but there's nothing that I want to DO with this after I graduate. The idea of teaching high school seems worthless to me at this point, teaching at a university is daunting and intimidating and I don't feel like I could ever be the kind of teacher I want to be. And with my degree, what else is there? Lots of general business sorts of things, publishing, editing, etc... Nothing that interests me in the least. I don't look forward to graduation, I don't look forward to getting any sort of career, I don't look forward to becoming a responsible part of society. I don't understand why anything is ever the way it is. I don't know what to do when I start to stress. This is not my usual self and I just don't know how to react to anything when I'm overcome with this kind of stuff. I just feel like people should let me be free to do what I want, and I'll let them do what they want, and so long as we don't extend our freedoms into the next person's, we're fine. But that cannot happen anymore. There's no way. So much is controlled by power and money, and so many people just don't think, or at the very least do not express that they think. People are just fine with how things are. People are okay with not having freedom. I don't understand why morals come from standards and tradition, rather than idealization. Marijuana is listed as a schedule 1 drug, cocaine is schedule 2, tobacco is legal. This is the way it is why? I don't think anyone could give a straight answer. I find it very hard to believe that marijuana is more dangerous than cocaine. I also find it hard to believe that it's that much more dangerous than tobacco and alcohol. I don't know how I got to this part, but I'll just say that I think there's a lot of things that aren't the way they should be. Not nearly enough people question anything. They're simply not bothered because they don't feel they have a reason to be bothered. Reason tells me, however, that I can find some solace in understanding things based on principle alone.
I don't know what to do next.
thedncingpenguin: i feel like i'm constantly lying to myself and others with this college thing
thedncingpenguin: I love what I'm learning
thedncingpenguin: but I just don't really see the point of it beyond that.
thedncingpenguin: i'm not here to get a good job, i'm not here to enrich my life
thedncingpenguin: i'm here because this is where i felt i was supposed to be after high school
thedncingpenguin: i'm here because i don't know what else to do
thedncingpenguin: and the closer i get to graduation, the closer i get to something i feel i'll never really be
thedncingpenguin: i think i could be just as happy, if not happier without a college degree
thedncingpenguin: because most things that will bring me, don't bring me happiness
thedncingpenguin: and in effect, i'm not living for myself
thedncingpenguin: i'm living for those who want me to have this same plan as most other people
thedncingpenguin: and maybe i'm differen than them
thedncingpenguin: or maybe they just don't stop to think like i do
thedncingpenguin: but graduating isn't going to make me happy
thedncingpenguin: and if that's true, then i just feel like i've wasted their time with these false hpoes in me becoming what i'm "supposed' to be
thedncingpenguin: i'm gonna go eat a goddamn chicken sandwich
thedncingpenguin: and go back to bed
I don't know what to do next.
thedncingpenguin: i feel like i'm constantly lying to myself and others with this college thing
thedncingpenguin: I love what I'm learning
thedncingpenguin: but I just don't really see the point of it beyond that.
thedncingpenguin: i'm not here to get a good job, i'm not here to enrich my life
thedncingpenguin: i'm here because this is where i felt i was supposed to be after high school
thedncingpenguin: i'm here because i don't know what else to do
thedncingpenguin: and the closer i get to graduation, the closer i get to something i feel i'll never really be
thedncingpenguin: i think i could be just as happy, if not happier without a college degree
thedncingpenguin: because most things that will bring me, don't bring me happiness
thedncingpenguin: and in effect, i'm not living for myself
thedncingpenguin: i'm living for those who want me to have this same plan as most other people
thedncingpenguin: and maybe i'm differen than them
thedncingpenguin: or maybe they just don't stop to think like i do
thedncingpenguin: but graduating isn't going to make me happy
thedncingpenguin: and if that's true, then i just feel like i've wasted their time with these false hpoes in me becoming what i'm "supposed' to be
thedncingpenguin: i'm gonna go eat a goddamn chicken sandwich
thedncingpenguin: and go back to bed