update for the feeble minded.....
in the words of Korn, "Life is Peachy" at the moment. Never a dull moment. I got a pet finally!! It's a betta fish, a neon bluish and magenta colored one. Yea I know, a fish, but he's a fking badass. Ashleigh and I named him Harvey Wallbanger after the cocktail....yea don't ask...lol. Yesterday I took Asheligh to see Deftones as an early birthday present. It was a badass show, I'm glad I was able to go. Hopefully this upcomming week we'll be able to go to Mideval Times like we were suppose to last week, of course this depends on if I have money or not. It made me so upset to not go, but we made up for it in the end.... I still need to finish my well over-due project. I still don't have a clue what I want to do for it....oh well, I'm sure it will come to me. I'm so sick of my dorms....seriously, through...done.....gone. Right now I'm paying $630 dollars out of pocket for a piece of shit living space. I wouldn't even consider this living space. There are people with closets bigger than the room I'm in. I'm seriously thinking of taking up on Jan's offer to move in with him and a few of his friends in Keller...and it's in a new house...a fking house! It's only 420 a month, though I would probably need a new job. I'm just sick of feeling like I don't have my own space.....It's almost that time with school, you know halfway point with school. The point were I have to decide what the hell I'm going to be doing with the rest of my life. I fking hate that. How society pushes this decision on you so soon. How the hell do I know what I want to do the rest of my life. I have the hardest time trying to figure out what the hell I want to eat for dinner every day. I'm just confusing and frustrating myself. Just the prospect of me graduating scares the hell out of me, but at the same time makes me completely happy. I just want to get it all done, but at the same time feel like I accomplished something. Right now I don't feel that at all. I don't feel like I'm accomplished or that I'm going towards anything to make me feel that way. I feel like I'm wasting my time. Maybe it's because I'm not in a major yet, but everything I've learned so far isn't cohesive enough to make me feel comfortable getting a job in the real world. I just don't feel prepared at all and it scares me.....Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard, I don't know. But I've been in school for 3 years going on 4 and I still feel just as lost as I did when I was a freshman starting up college. Sometimes I wish I had taken a year off from school, to get my bearings straight, and my prospective on life in order. It just seems like I was pushed into something I wasn't ready for, something I only did to please the caretakers. I'm still trying to make the best of it, but I'll never be complacent with doing just one thing. I want to get out and do everything. Philosophy, Psychology, marketing, graphic design, and electronic media, but I know I can't. I don't know, I think I'm just afraid for my future. That I won't be able to provide for myself and whatever situation I end up in. It's kind of stressful to even think about it. I wish I had alot of money right now....that would solve alot of my problems.....I'm still contemplating living outside the country for awhile after I pay off my loans. If I major in Graphic design I could possibly get a job pretty easily somewhere in Europe, maybe Germany...I don't know. I do know that Europe is bigger into the art scene than America, and accomodate their artists much more graciously than here in the States. The only art and comercialised scenes here in America are located in New York and Los Angeles. I was thinking about living in California after I graduated, but I don't know anymore. If I do, I'll try to attend Graduate school at CalArts, otherwise I'll work with my Dad and try to help him along, though I'll try not to get sucked into what he's doing. I have my own goals in life and I don't want to be caught up in another persons dream. I think I just need to focus myself on what's at hand, being successful with what I'm doing now, and then hopefully that will lay the foundation for a solid future....atleast in Theory that's how it's suppose to work........