An update I didn't want to make
*sigh*
I almost made it. Almost the entire year, like I said almost a year ago, without feeling overly bad about myself. Well, I failed at trying to feel better about my life. At the end of November no less. I promised at last year's New Year's resolution, that I would do the best job I could to feel better about myself for the rest of the year, hoping to change my personality and be a more positive person. The only thing I've learned this year (and this is important) is people don't change. Situations change, lifestyles change, roommates change, but people, down inside, never change. So here's the story of what happened.
I was going out with Kim and Ashley the other night and we didn't want to just go to a movie that could have sucked and spend money on it. We decided instead to go to Adult World, a local porn shop. Kim and Ashley have made plans to go when they were 19, because of the age restriction, and now that they're of legal age, they can enter the shop. On our way there, I was getting more and more nervous, but I had already sealed my fate by telling the girls I was willing to go with them. When we arrived, I hit a wall. Anxiety attack happened and when they were out of the car waiting for me, I was in the car holding down the locks so they couldn't get me to go with them. Kim actually begged me to go in with them. She pleaded and so did Ashley. I was too busy being paralized by fear to enter with them. I was being completely selfish by disregarding all the sketchy people standing around Adult World and thinking it would be okay for one of them to make some nasty remark to either of them. A million things went wrong, but the worst was when Kim started walking toward the entrance and looked back, half expecting me to be following, knowing they weren't bluffing about going into the store. I just sat there, felt bad about myself and looked back at her with the expression reserved for children who feel guilty about disappointing their parents. After that, I got quiet and didn't say anything the rest of the night. At all.
What's wrong with this picture? Yet again, I was supposed to let this roll like it was nothing, and yet again, I've been stewing over it for two days. I keep apoligizing to Kim for ruining her weekend and not going with her and for being moody and a million other things. Really, I feel terrible that she had to put up with me. But now I get the burning suspicion that she doesn't want to put up with me for too much longer. :'-( I feel SO BAD for having to write that, but it's really bugging me.
Why can't I ever feel like I've done something right? It's a damn fact that I can't take a compliment, no matter how sincere it is. Even after I earned my Eagle scout rank, something attained by only 2% of Scouts (nevermind the whole population), I didn't think it was that big of a deal. People tried to say congradulations, but all I could say was that I didn't earn it. WHAT THE FUCK! It's not even about juggling anymore (even though that's still a problem). I can't do anything right and I really can't allow myself to do anything right. I never have high self-esteem or self-worth. Why is it that I've helped dozens of people in high school and college feel better about themselves, but I can't ever seem to treat myself with the same amount of care? I want to feel happy so badly. I want to feel cocky for the first time in my life... just to know what it's like. I want to feel confident and important. I want to feel like I'm not being lied to as a way to put a band-aid over a larger wound. I talked to the doctors, they say nothing is wrong with me because I don't have a sleeping or eating disorder. News flash all you paid professionals... I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS, I TAKE STEPS TO FIX MYSELF AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M FAILING. Yea, there's something wrong with that picture.
Talk to me people. Tell me something of worth. Don't give me another empty phrase like "I still love you" or "I think you're cool". It's just not enough to help me deal. Wow, that sounded really rude. I love my friends, but you know what I mean.
I almost made it. Almost the entire year, like I said almost a year ago, without feeling overly bad about myself. Well, I failed at trying to feel better about my life. At the end of November no less. I promised at last year's New Year's resolution, that I would do the best job I could to feel better about myself for the rest of the year, hoping to change my personality and be a more positive person. The only thing I've learned this year (and this is important) is people don't change. Situations change, lifestyles change, roommates change, but people, down inside, never change. So here's the story of what happened.
I was going out with Kim and Ashley the other night and we didn't want to just go to a movie that could have sucked and spend money on it. We decided instead to go to Adult World, a local porn shop. Kim and Ashley have made plans to go when they were 19, because of the age restriction, and now that they're of legal age, they can enter the shop. On our way there, I was getting more and more nervous, but I had already sealed my fate by telling the girls I was willing to go with them. When we arrived, I hit a wall. Anxiety attack happened and when they were out of the car waiting for me, I was in the car holding down the locks so they couldn't get me to go with them. Kim actually begged me to go in with them. She pleaded and so did Ashley. I was too busy being paralized by fear to enter with them. I was being completely selfish by disregarding all the sketchy people standing around Adult World and thinking it would be okay for one of them to make some nasty remark to either of them. A million things went wrong, but the worst was when Kim started walking toward the entrance and looked back, half expecting me to be following, knowing they weren't bluffing about going into the store. I just sat there, felt bad about myself and looked back at her with the expression reserved for children who feel guilty about disappointing their parents. After that, I got quiet and didn't say anything the rest of the night. At all.
What's wrong with this picture? Yet again, I was supposed to let this roll like it was nothing, and yet again, I've been stewing over it for two days. I keep apoligizing to Kim for ruining her weekend and not going with her and for being moody and a million other things. Really, I feel terrible that she had to put up with me. But now I get the burning suspicion that she doesn't want to put up with me for too much longer. :'-( I feel SO BAD for having to write that, but it's really bugging me.
Why can't I ever feel like I've done something right? It's a damn fact that I can't take a compliment, no matter how sincere it is. Even after I earned my Eagle scout rank, something attained by only 2% of Scouts (nevermind the whole population), I didn't think it was that big of a deal. People tried to say congradulations, but all I could say was that I didn't earn it. WHAT THE FUCK! It's not even about juggling anymore (even though that's still a problem). I can't do anything right and I really can't allow myself to do anything right. I never have high self-esteem or self-worth. Why is it that I've helped dozens of people in high school and college feel better about themselves, but I can't ever seem to treat myself with the same amount of care? I want to feel happy so badly. I want to feel cocky for the first time in my life... just to know what it's like. I want to feel confident and important. I want to feel like I'm not being lied to as a way to put a band-aid over a larger wound. I talked to the doctors, they say nothing is wrong with me because I don't have a sleeping or eating disorder. News flash all you paid professionals... I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS, I TAKE STEPS TO FIX MYSELF AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I'M FAILING. Yea, there's something wrong with that picture.
Talk to me people. Tell me something of worth. Don't give me another empty phrase like "I still love you" or "I think you're cool". It's just not enough to help me deal. Wow, that sounded really rude. I love my friends, but you know what I mean.