I'll lend you my tears if I could borrow your smile...and we'll get through tomorrow somehow
I am unbelievably discontent with life. Life SUCKS. And I mean it this time. I know, I hate that I post everything negative in my LJ, but just deal with it. You don't have to read my LJ. :) I guess when I'm happy, I just want to live in the moment and keep going and I don't want to stop and record it in my LJ, but when I'm sad, I just DWELL on things too much and I need an outlet! GRRR! So, this is my outlet. :)
I hate life right now. I have nothing, NOTHING to look forward to. Everything in my life is a boring routine, no matter how much it "differs" time-wise. Everything is the same all the time.
Like Sisterhood and all of my friends. God knows I love those people to pieces, but things are just THE SAME and I want/need change. I just do. It makes me want to scream. No offense, guys. I really do love you; it's just, I want to be able to go out into the world and meet new people and change up things a bit.
And Fenton. I love being around/with Fenton. I'm happy with him and he's happy with me, and I just feel GOOD and things feel right and everything is different between us because neither of us know what mood the other is going to be in when we see each other, and...! I just love being with him. Things are good. But what I don't understand is why people can't just be HAPPY for us! People either think I'm a prude or a slut, and there's no happy medium that I can be at. I know you care about me, and I'm really glad that you do, but when it comes to Fenton, but I don't need the extra love when I'm with him. Be there and care for me in other aspects of my life, when I actually need you!! And just be happy for me. I tell people things, but then they stare at me and think about my prudishness or sluttiness and I'm like WHO CARES. I'M HAPPY. THE END. JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME! That's all I want you to do. If I tell you things in my life, it means that I trust you enough to do so, and I hope/trust that you would be happy for me too, and that's all I need.
School, needless to say, sucks BUTT. I try, but I don't succeed. And then I try again. And I fail. WHAT. AM. I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW. I try to pick myself up, but by then, I've already fallen too far behind and I just feel like I'm not going anywhere when I'm supposed to be "learning". Should I just drop to regulars?!? adsjflks.
My family. I love them, really. Sometimes. I hate being home, though. I'm too alone. Everyone's doing something on their own, and I don't WANT to spend time with any of them. My brothers are all playing some computer game and I don't WANT to be on the computer anymore than I already am. My dad is building computers or studying. My mom is doing something in the kitchen, whether it's cleaning or watching Vietnamese dramas. I don't want to be around my mom sometimes, because then she'll try to make me do things and try to make me into the perfect daughter, but I don't want to be the perfect daughter. I don't want to do work, but that's all I'll do if I'm around her! She'll just tell/ask me to do this, do that, and I don't WANT to do it!!! My extended family isn't awesome, either. I'm alone there too, because everyone is either younger than me and male (so they're playing PS2, obviously) or they're older and too cool with me. And I have to actually put up with them this weekend because I have THREE New Year's parties to go to. And my parents are making me wear my ao dai (formal Vietnamese dress) to the parties, and that is going to suck major butt because I'll be super uncomfortable. Seriously, the only thing my extended family does for me is gawk at me and how tall and pretty I am. I feel like Lena around my extended family. I hate how they just STARE at me, even with admiring looks. Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but there is a LIMIT! Sigh. I feel like a trophy daughter/niece/relative. :( Hopefully though, I can bring (comfortable) clothes to change in.
And on life overall? I've just lost whatever tiny bit of motivation I've ever had. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Everything I want to do costs money. I can't even take dance classes because I can't afford it, did you know that? And maybe you're like, "Well, what about summer?" What about summer, indeed. There's nothing to look forward to then because I'll be home all summer long while my friends - my three best friends - leave me here to ROT all summer long. Tibby is going to Greece and a college tour on the East Coast and probably some Playhouse thing (?), so that is pretty much all summer. Lena's going to China for the whole summer. Carma's gone for a month in Europe with her grandmother. And me? I'll be Storybook Tibby - home alone with nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. You know, I think I will probably get a job this summer (like Tibby's job at Wallmann's). And I can't make a suckumentary because I don't know how to work my camcorder and I can't like edit it or anything, so I'll just have to shoot everything in order and that's how it'll stay. Boring much?
I wish I was rich and that I could travel. Last summer was the same - Tibby went to Australia, Lena went ...somewhere. (China??? You went somewhere out of the country, yes?) And Carma went to Canada. And I was the only one who stayed in the United States *wallows in self-pity*. Even if I couldn't go out of the country, I would like to even go on a college tour, with my parents or tag along with Tibby or something! But then again, my parents know nothing about colleges so bringing them on a college tour would just be bad. I'm better off alone when it comes to school. And uh, Tibby loves me, but I don't think she loves me enough to bring me on a college tour halfway across the country (even though I'm pretty sure I would pay you anyway). So DAFJKLDSFKLADS BEING BROKE SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!
There's just nothing in my life to look forward to. I try rejoicing in the little things, but even the little things aren't so happy.
Today, we had an ish fight over who should take Baby Alex home because no one wanted him/her. How sad. And this is the SISTERHOOD. ;_; Oh, and BETCC isn't doing so great either. We definitely don't have the same chemistry and energy from last year. We're so different now. Keestal is like anti-Sandizzle, and Sandizzle is just WEIRDLY strict this year. She won't stay past 3:30. What the heck. I mean, I know she's probably got things to do, but that didn't stop her from staying until 4:30 PM last year! And Brittand and Keestal have crap decathlon crap so they can't go on a lot of days. And Romero is trying to kill BETCC by studying so much and he's kicking our friggin butts right now. Competition is one week from Saturday and BETCC is nowhere near prepared. I hate it! Spelling sucks.
This weekend has already gotten off to such a bad start.
List of Things I Will/Might/Should/Can Do This Weekend
1. Watch the Sisterhood movie (and continue moping and being jealous that I'm not going anywhere this summer except for maybe the library. Yaaaay).
2. Read Stravaganza: City of Flowers (and wish that I lived in a fantasy world).
3. Do my homework (but not understand it anyway).
4. Study for spelling (and mourn the death of BETCC and the rising of Romero ;_;).
5. Maybe rearrange my wardrobe. Out with the old and in with the new?? I need new clothes or a new look or SOMETHING. I don't want to wear jeans and a t-shirt all the time (but what does it matter, really...? Sorry Tibby, I know you hate it when I talk about clothes all the time).
6. Maybe exercise (but what are the chances of that happening...really).
7. Maybe watch some movies.
Sigh. I HATE MY STUPID PITIFUL NESS!!!! >:O MY SLUGGISH NESS IS JUST SO INCREDIBLY, RIDICULOUSLY STUPID THAT I AM JUST DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!!?
The other day, I had a psychology session ish with my JI class and we were talking about how negative people just bring you down...that made me want to be happier and so I try to just ignore whatever's "wrong" in my life and I really try very hard to be happy and to be there for when people need me, but will people sacrifice THEIR happiness for mine, EVER???
The world isn't a very nice place. In fact, it's downright harsh.
And I'm sorry that you read all of this (since you're already here, I'm guessing that you read this whole rant), and I'm even sorrier that you feel bad (IF you ffel bad...in which case, I'm sorry).
Deep breath.
Check my xanga for lyrics and avatars. :)
End of post.
+ EDiT 8:24 PM
I casually brought up the topic of going on a college tour this summer, and my parents were like RAWR! and I was like..."it was just a suggestion". They said that why do I need to go on a college tour, because I have websites that I can look up, and who cares about what the campus looks like as long as I'm taking the right classes? And besides, we can't afford a trip just to go see colleges...I can look at websites for free, silly girl me. And I also mentioned perhaps getting a job this summer and they said that of course I didn't need a job...tch. Yeah right. Then I wondered where I would get the money to go to New York for orchestra and by then, I was crying because my parents are so CLOSED-MINDED and INSENSITIVE and NOT ABLE TO AFFORD EVERYTHING I NEED and I was frustrated with my retarded know-nothing-about-colleges parents so I went upstairs. And here I am.
Oh well. At least I can take comfort in the hopes that life will get better, because I really don't think that things can get much worse.
THIS. SUCKS.
The end.
I hate life right now. I have nothing, NOTHING to look forward to. Everything in my life is a boring routine, no matter how much it "differs" time-wise. Everything is the same all the time.
Like Sisterhood and all of my friends. God knows I love those people to pieces, but things are just THE SAME and I want/need change. I just do. It makes me want to scream. No offense, guys. I really do love you; it's just, I want to be able to go out into the world and meet new people and change up things a bit.
And Fenton. I love being around/with Fenton. I'm happy with him and he's happy with me, and I just feel GOOD and things feel right and everything is different between us because neither of us know what mood the other is going to be in when we see each other, and...! I just love being with him. Things are good. But what I don't understand is why people can't just be HAPPY for us! People either think I'm a prude or a slut, and there's no happy medium that I can be at. I know you care about me, and I'm really glad that you do, but when it comes to Fenton, but I don't need the extra love when I'm with him. Be there and care for me in other aspects of my life, when I actually need you!! And just be happy for me. I tell people things, but then they stare at me and think about my prudishness or sluttiness and I'm like WHO CARES. I'M HAPPY. THE END. JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME! That's all I want you to do. If I tell you things in my life, it means that I trust you enough to do so, and I hope/trust that you would be happy for me too, and that's all I need.
School, needless to say, sucks BUTT. I try, but I don't succeed. And then I try again. And I fail. WHAT. AM. I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW. I try to pick myself up, but by then, I've already fallen too far behind and I just feel like I'm not going anywhere when I'm supposed to be "learning". Should I just drop to regulars?!? adsjflks.
My family. I love them, really. Sometimes. I hate being home, though. I'm too alone. Everyone's doing something on their own, and I don't WANT to spend time with any of them. My brothers are all playing some computer game and I don't WANT to be on the computer anymore than I already am. My dad is building computers or studying. My mom is doing something in the kitchen, whether it's cleaning or watching Vietnamese dramas. I don't want to be around my mom sometimes, because then she'll try to make me do things and try to make me into the perfect daughter, but I don't want to be the perfect daughter. I don't want to do work, but that's all I'll do if I'm around her! She'll just tell/ask me to do this, do that, and I don't WANT to do it!!! My extended family isn't awesome, either. I'm alone there too, because everyone is either younger than me and male (so they're playing PS2, obviously) or they're older and too cool with me. And I have to actually put up with them this weekend because I have THREE New Year's parties to go to. And my parents are making me wear my ao dai (formal Vietnamese dress) to the parties, and that is going to suck major butt because I'll be super uncomfortable. Seriously, the only thing my extended family does for me is gawk at me and how tall and pretty I am. I feel like Lena around my extended family. I hate how they just STARE at me, even with admiring looks. Thank you for saying I'm pretty, but there is a LIMIT! Sigh. I feel like a trophy daughter/niece/relative. :( Hopefully though, I can bring (comfortable) clothes to change in.
And on life overall? I've just lost whatever tiny bit of motivation I've ever had. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Everything I want to do costs money. I can't even take dance classes because I can't afford it, did you know that? And maybe you're like, "Well, what about summer?" What about summer, indeed. There's nothing to look forward to then because I'll be home all summer long while my friends - my three best friends - leave me here to ROT all summer long. Tibby is going to Greece and a college tour on the East Coast and probably some Playhouse thing (?), so that is pretty much all summer. Lena's going to China for the whole summer. Carma's gone for a month in Europe with her grandmother. And me? I'll be Storybook Tibby - home alone with nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. You know, I think I will probably get a job this summer (like Tibby's job at Wallmann's). And I can't make a suckumentary because I don't know how to work my camcorder and I can't like edit it or anything, so I'll just have to shoot everything in order and that's how it'll stay. Boring much?
I wish I was rich and that I could travel. Last summer was the same - Tibby went to Australia, Lena went ...somewhere. (China??? You went somewhere out of the country, yes?) And Carma went to Canada. And I was the only one who stayed in the United States *wallows in self-pity*. Even if I couldn't go out of the country, I would like to even go on a college tour, with my parents or tag along with Tibby or something! But then again, my parents know nothing about colleges so bringing them on a college tour would just be bad. I'm better off alone when it comes to school. And uh, Tibby loves me, but I don't think she loves me enough to bring me on a college tour halfway across the country (even though I'm pretty sure I would pay you anyway). So DAFJKLDSFKLADS BEING BROKE SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!
There's just nothing in my life to look forward to. I try rejoicing in the little things, but even the little things aren't so happy.
Today, we had an ish fight over who should take Baby Alex home because no one wanted him/her. How sad. And this is the SISTERHOOD. ;_; Oh, and BETCC isn't doing so great either. We definitely don't have the same chemistry and energy from last year. We're so different now. Keestal is like anti-Sandizzle, and Sandizzle is just WEIRDLY strict this year. She won't stay past 3:30. What the heck. I mean, I know she's probably got things to do, but that didn't stop her from staying until 4:30 PM last year! And Brittand and Keestal have crap decathlon crap so they can't go on a lot of days. And Romero is trying to kill BETCC by studying so much and he's kicking our friggin butts right now. Competition is one week from Saturday and BETCC is nowhere near prepared. I hate it! Spelling sucks.
This weekend has already gotten off to such a bad start.
List of Things I Will/Might/Should/Can Do This Weekend
1. Watch the Sisterhood movie (and continue moping and being jealous that I'm not going anywhere this summer except for maybe the library. Yaaaay).
2. Read Stravaganza: City of Flowers (and wish that I lived in a fantasy world).
3. Do my homework (but not understand it anyway).
4. Study for spelling (and mourn the death of BETCC and the rising of Romero ;_;).
5. Maybe rearrange my wardrobe. Out with the old and in with the new?? I need new clothes or a new look or SOMETHING. I don't want to wear jeans and a t-shirt all the time (but what does it matter, really...? Sorry Tibby, I know you hate it when I talk about clothes all the time).
6. Maybe exercise (but what are the chances of that happening...really).
7. Maybe watch some movies.
Sigh. I HATE MY STUPID PITIFUL NESS!!!! >:O MY SLUGGISH NESS IS JUST SO INCREDIBLY, RIDICULOUSLY STUPID THAT I AM JUST DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!!?
The other day, I had a psychology session ish with my JI class and we were talking about how negative people just bring you down...that made me want to be happier and so I try to just ignore whatever's "wrong" in my life and I really try very hard to be happy and to be there for when people need me, but will people sacrifice THEIR happiness for mine, EVER???
The world isn't a very nice place. In fact, it's downright harsh.
And I'm sorry that you read all of this (since you're already here, I'm guessing that you read this whole rant), and I'm even sorrier that you feel bad (IF you ffel bad...in which case, I'm sorry).
Deep breath.
Check my xanga for lyrics and avatars. :)
End of post.
+ EDiT 8:24 PM
I casually brought up the topic of going on a college tour this summer, and my parents were like RAWR! and I was like..."it was just a suggestion". They said that why do I need to go on a college tour, because I have websites that I can look up, and who cares about what the campus looks like as long as I'm taking the right classes? And besides, we can't afford a trip just to go see colleges...I can look at websites for free, silly girl me. And I also mentioned perhaps getting a job this summer and they said that of course I didn't need a job...tch. Yeah right. Then I wondered where I would get the money to go to New York for orchestra and by then, I was crying because my parents are so CLOSED-MINDED and INSENSITIVE and NOT ABLE TO AFFORD EVERYTHING I NEED and I was frustrated with my retarded know-nothing-about-colleges parents so I went upstairs. And here I am.
Oh well. At least I can take comfort in the hopes that life will get better, because I really don't think that things can get much worse.
THIS. SUCKS.
The end.