Denouement
"Denouement" is the perfect subject for this entry, because the last time I've written in this journal was September 2010, just prior to entering some seriously, seriously mentally dark places, and I need to close out those entries with one final entry before starting fresh, new!
Definition of "denouement": the final part of a play, movie, or narrative in which the strands of the plot are drawn together and matters are explained or resolved.
And so, let the tying up of loose-ends ensue!
Jesse
Most of you can't see the entries for 2010. I only had about 10 from January - September (where my last entry was made), and of those 10, Jesse was mentioned briefly and to my dismay, mentioned in a positive, "I love him" type of light. You know how it's said that you remember things through rose-colored glasses? That memories are remembered as being better than they really were? Here it's the opposite. When I think of Jesse, I can only think of all the bad. My last entry about him did hint around the rumblings of me not being quite into him, but only in passing and only as a mere inkling of some dissatisfaction/him not being who I wanted to be with. All things fair, though, although he shouldn't have said and done things things that he did, it's also my fault for staying in it and make choices that my heart was screaming for me NOT to do.
In one journal entry I was justifying the things he would say and "make" me do. He was unhappy with my natural curly hair, wanted my ears pierced, didn't like the jeans I wore, didn't like the clothes I wore in general, wanted me to exercise because, as he put it, "You would be more attractive if you lost a little weight." He wasn't happy with who I was. He nitpicked everything, so I bent over backwards to please him, and in my journal entry I justified all this shit as being okay.
September 19, 2014 is the last time I saw him - the day we were supposed to get married. I was never engaged in the engagement. I felt no joy, no excitement, dragged my feet on the planning of it, would lay in bed at night knowing, yet not knowing, that I didn't want to get married to him. I tell people that I never felt engaged, and therefore, it doesnt really count as an engagement because of that reason. I was also in a relationship with him, yet not. There was never any of those real relationship qualities that two people getting ready for marriage had already worked through: discussing the future, discussing kids, talking about things that upset us, working through problems, having heart-to-hearts, loving each other for who the other was. I was a puppet. I just did whatever they (him and his parents) wanted me to do.
For ~5 years (January 2010 - September 2014) I was miserable. Problems got compounded around the second semester of my last year in grad school. I was mentally suffering but didn't realize that I was slowly slipping into a cognitive mess until it was too late and the anxieties, etc consumed me.
On graduation day, just before my graduation dinner with my parents and his, he sprung on me his desire to have me move in with him, because according to him it was "the next logical step." In my mind it wasn't; I went along with it anyway (because saying 'no' to this would result is something horrible, whatever that was, I'm not sure). From my graduation in April 2011 to getting my job in Lansing in September 2012, I suffered. The year and a half that I spent was so emotionally and mentally damaging all I can remember is going to the Ypsilanti library every single day, to use their computers to keep myself distracted in an attempt to keep my anxieties at bay. It worked sort of. But every day after he left the house for work it was a mountain to climb just to pull myself out of bed, out of the swirlings of my mind, to get to the library (or to the store to get groceries). I remember him coming home and getting pissed that I didn't clean the house (even though it was already clean). In hindsight, what he really wanted, was someone like his mom who stayed home and cleaned the house, top to bottom. He wanted me to be his mom.
The job in Lansing was from God. I believe that from the bottom of my heart. I was miserable, and I asked God to help me get out of there. Out of Jesse's house, out of the area, away, away. I asked for him to get me out of there by getting me the job in Lansing. And it happened. Moving to Lansing and being around coworkers every day, laughing and smiling, and being allowed to be myself was refreshing and my mental state improved tremendously, until 8 months after getting my job he proposed to me. At that point I entered into the 2nd wave of miserableness. June 2013 - September 2014.
My single life these past 2 years has been a blessing. I'm becoming more of what God wants me to be and gradually all the things that Jesse imposed on me are falling away - more of who God wants me to be, less of who Jesse wanted me to be. As the wedding day got closer, I challenged him more, stuck up for myself more, and it totally screwed with his mind, I'm convinced of that. At one point he started questioning me, asking me if I was really a Christian. Absurd, in a way, because I believe he was never sincere in his prayers, never focused on God because he wanted to, was more doing it to make his mom happy (like going to church!).
I'm able to live my life now! And although I still face fear, anxiety, and getting stuck, I'm stronger than I was. I no longer let people push me around. I can pick up the red flags easily, and I've said goodbye to dating. Dating is for those who want to get married. I don't; therefore, I don't date. It's going to be a pretty special guy that comes along to motivate me to even consider marriage. Until then I am happy how things are. Where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be.
Definition of "denouement": the final part of a play, movie, or narrative in which the strands of the plot are drawn together and matters are explained or resolved.
And so, let the tying up of loose-ends ensue!
Jesse
Most of you can't see the entries for 2010. I only had about 10 from January - September (where my last entry was made), and of those 10, Jesse was mentioned briefly and to my dismay, mentioned in a positive, "I love him" type of light. You know how it's said that you remember things through rose-colored glasses? That memories are remembered as being better than they really were? Here it's the opposite. When I think of Jesse, I can only think of all the bad. My last entry about him did hint around the rumblings of me not being quite into him, but only in passing and only as a mere inkling of some dissatisfaction/him not being who I wanted to be with. All things fair, though, although he shouldn't have said and done things things that he did, it's also my fault for staying in it and make choices that my heart was screaming for me NOT to do.
In one journal entry I was justifying the things he would say and "make" me do. He was unhappy with my natural curly hair, wanted my ears pierced, didn't like the jeans I wore, didn't like the clothes I wore in general, wanted me to exercise because, as he put it, "You would be more attractive if you lost a little weight." He wasn't happy with who I was. He nitpicked everything, so I bent over backwards to please him, and in my journal entry I justified all this shit as being okay.
September 19, 2014 is the last time I saw him - the day we were supposed to get married. I was never engaged in the engagement. I felt no joy, no excitement, dragged my feet on the planning of it, would lay in bed at night knowing, yet not knowing, that I didn't want to get married to him. I tell people that I never felt engaged, and therefore, it doesnt really count as an engagement because of that reason. I was also in a relationship with him, yet not. There was never any of those real relationship qualities that two people getting ready for marriage had already worked through: discussing the future, discussing kids, talking about things that upset us, working through problems, having heart-to-hearts, loving each other for who the other was. I was a puppet. I just did whatever they (him and his parents) wanted me to do.
For ~5 years (January 2010 - September 2014) I was miserable. Problems got compounded around the second semester of my last year in grad school. I was mentally suffering but didn't realize that I was slowly slipping into a cognitive mess until it was too late and the anxieties, etc consumed me.
On graduation day, just before my graduation dinner with my parents and his, he sprung on me his desire to have me move in with him, because according to him it was "the next logical step." In my mind it wasn't; I went along with it anyway (because saying 'no' to this would result is something horrible, whatever that was, I'm not sure). From my graduation in April 2011 to getting my job in Lansing in September 2012, I suffered. The year and a half that I spent was so emotionally and mentally damaging all I can remember is going to the Ypsilanti library every single day, to use their computers to keep myself distracted in an attempt to keep my anxieties at bay. It worked sort of. But every day after he left the house for work it was a mountain to climb just to pull myself out of bed, out of the swirlings of my mind, to get to the library (or to the store to get groceries). I remember him coming home and getting pissed that I didn't clean the house (even though it was already clean). In hindsight, what he really wanted, was someone like his mom who stayed home and cleaned the house, top to bottom. He wanted me to be his mom.
The job in Lansing was from God. I believe that from the bottom of my heart. I was miserable, and I asked God to help me get out of there. Out of Jesse's house, out of the area, away, away. I asked for him to get me out of there by getting me the job in Lansing. And it happened. Moving to Lansing and being around coworkers every day, laughing and smiling, and being allowed to be myself was refreshing and my mental state improved tremendously, until 8 months after getting my job he proposed to me. At that point I entered into the 2nd wave of miserableness. June 2013 - September 2014.
My single life these past 2 years has been a blessing. I'm becoming more of what God wants me to be and gradually all the things that Jesse imposed on me are falling away - more of who God wants me to be, less of who Jesse wanted me to be. As the wedding day got closer, I challenged him more, stuck up for myself more, and it totally screwed with his mind, I'm convinced of that. At one point he started questioning me, asking me if I was really a Christian. Absurd, in a way, because I believe he was never sincere in his prayers, never focused on God because he wanted to, was more doing it to make his mom happy (like going to church!).
I'm able to live my life now! And although I still face fear, anxiety, and getting stuck, I'm stronger than I was. I no longer let people push me around. I can pick up the red flags easily, and I've said goodbye to dating. Dating is for those who want to get married. I don't; therefore, I don't date. It's going to be a pretty special guy that comes along to motivate me to even consider marriage. Until then I am happy how things are. Where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be.