Fuck you (Stephen/Ryan, Stephen/Nick)
“Fuck!”
Stephen screams into the empty room as his fist connects with the hard wall with a dull thud. He still tries to hold everything back, clinging to the feeble hope that he might conquer this like so many times before, but he can’t stop his fist from crushing against the wall over and over again while curses pour from his lips.
“Fuck you! I hate you!”
He doesn’t cry. He hasn’t since the day they have given up looking for Helen more than eight years ago. That day he promised himself he would never cry for either Cutter again and he’s not planning on breaking his promise today. But the weight of forced, too cold smiles and an unbearable distance over these last weeks finally takes its toll on him and he drops to his knees, breathing laboured, forehead pressed against the wall, fingers scraping the flat surface as if trying to hold onto something.
He doesn’t want to think about their conversation earlier but he can’t help hearing the words repeated in his mind.
“How much do you know about this Sam West?”
“Not much. But I think we should give it a go.”
“Look, I don’t know about this. We need scientists to help us figure out why all of this is happening, not self-appointed heroes running around with guns. The more people know the higher the risks of something leaking out.”
“You know Ryan wouldn’t sabotage the project by recommending an incompetent fool. He seems to trust Sam completely; they have known each other for ten years or so.”
A snort is all the answer he gets.
“I trust Ryan’s judgement.”
“That’s your problem, Stephen. You trust too easily.”
“And you suspect betrayal in every corner.”
“Can you blame me? You should know better than anyone that I have good reason to do so.”
Fuck you…
He didn’t say it then but he says it now. He screams it into the dark room.
“Fuck you! Fuck you, you selfish bastard. Fuck you! I love you!”
He is so lost in his imaginary world where he can say those words to Cutter that he can’t hear the front door open and close silently. He doesn’t notice that Ryan stops dead just outside the bedroom as he sees him crouching on the floor. And he doesn’t know that Ryan silently slips out of the flat again and waits for about ten minutes outside, sitting on the stairs, ignoring his neighbour’s disapproving look.
Ryan can remember seeing Hart like this before. Once. Right after that bitch dropped her little bombshell on them and Cutter would completely ignore him for a week. And he imagines that breakdown was the first in many years. He can see how viciously Hart fights every day to keep himself from falling apart, and most of the time he does a damn good job of it. But everyone deserves his moment of weakness once in a while without being followed by watchful eyes.
When he finally enters his flat again he calls out to announce his presence and goes into the kitchen without looking into the bedroom, just in case the other man needs more time to recover.
“Want to stay for the night? It’s raining.” he asks as he hears the soft sound of bare feet on the kitchen floor. He turns around and adds with a suggestive wink: “I bought chocolate sauce.”
This earns him a bright smile that could easily fool anyone else and a deep kiss that he interprets as a yes. He doesn’t ask how much Cutter protested before finally giving his consent; he knows he doesn’t have to. He will get an edited version of the conversation later on, leaving out the details of pained words.
But those he can guess all too easily from those deep blue eyes.
Note: I promise the proper introduction of Sam is going to happen in the next chapter. :) Also I'd like to announce that this is part of my own little Primeval universe which now has an official name: Dysfunctional. It's not a proper WIP series with chapters following each other in chronological order etc (like my Tangled Up series, which may or may not turn out to be compatible with this universe). It will be mostly about Ryan/Stephen/Sam but most of the stories based on prompts by Al will be part of this universe too, so there will be glimpses into the lives of other characters too.