Adopting a Guru
In life, the first thing you must do is decide what you really want. Weigh the costs and the results. Are the results worthy of the costs? Then make up your mind completely and go after your goal with all your might.
-Alfred A. Montapert
I can't really find much on Monapert's life - only a little information on the books he's written. Guess I'll have to breakdown and buy one. The quotes keep popping up in searches and they seem to really hold depth in what I'm trying to do. Fix my daily stresses, figure out a way to live more organically. No, I dont mean food wise - Certainly not giving up my occasional burger.
I mean that I'm starting to feel like the world should only be as difficult as you make it. Yes everyone has set backs, yes everyday is not going to be all sunshine and rainbows. At the same time I dont see the need for every day to be some uphill battle. I feel like attitude should help change everything. That if I feel good, healthy and cheerful each day then there should be no reason to want to tear my hair out.
Under that same precedence I'm feeling like one bad apple can spoil the barrel. That these laundry lists are spoiling my barrel - that the hypocrisy behind them is spreading the rotting smell across my happiness... I was "asked very nicely" to leave work at work, keep off my laptop full time, and really "be there" when we're home. Funny how that seems to mean that he can come home and bitch about work. Do paperwork - and even spend half the night on craigslist any time I'm not fully engaged in whatever show we've taped. By not fully engaged I mean selfishly doing things like giving peyton a bath, cleaning the kitchen, or doing laundry - BAD KITTY. How dare I improve our environment.
I'm trying to vent here rather than there - because biting his head off only improves on my bitch conviction. That he cant do anything nice for me because i'm just such a bitch about it. I guess maybe I am, to me "doing something nice" shouldn't warrant a reward, pat on the head, or gold medal. Making someone else smile is more than enough... I dont do things to be a good-little girlfriend, why should he do them to get the boyfriend award. When I do suggest something that would fun for us both - and let me show him my world... its excused for the prospect of us staying in... again... like we always do...
My quote today just really struck me as odd - I spend all day weighing costs against rewards. Yet I dont think I know what I really want. How I see my life proceeding is unclear - so maybe I need to find my brass rings to achieve before I start firing the carousel horse for not lifting me high enough to catch them.