Boston
I just left Boston. Again. We drove through the tunnel about four times today and that doesn't include the subway trips.
All in all. Id rather not go. I liked it here. Well mostly. There some good points and some less so.
Non emotionally based the weather was great and awful. The night we came in it was windy and cold but the day following turned beautiful. It was sunny and light wind, gorgeous. Kids were sitting outside at the schools and the everyone seemed so happy. It made me want to be in Boston.
David wanted to walk through all the colleges. I hated it. I feel horrendously out of place. The people there are all smart and put together and have a place and a function. I will say it has certainly made me want to quit my job. Makes me want to be like those kids but I feel too old and frankly they all seem smarter than me. That said, walking through BU, I could easily see myself there. I loved the campus and truly like the city.
Moving on. Or back. Everywhere I look here is straight out a dream. The deja-vu is so readily prevalent that I cease to be surprised. I drive by an old house and is exactly the one that I saw in a dream months ago where Evan and I were stuck there but had to leave quickly and got split up. Two blocks later walking by and odd three way intersection... Well it just never stops. I see statues, churches, buildings, landmarks even the train car. It's as if all of this I have been working creating this world for a year and now I've dreamed enough of it times now that I can be here living it. it's at once heart-wrenching and tragic, expected and terrifying.
The last part then. I met up with a friend from highschool while I was in the city. He looks wonderful and is so nice. Its odd to see how people develop. Anyhow. After three bars? I went to hang out with him a bit and, well, got scared and left. I really regret. I know that we would want such different things but him saying he liked crazy girls and the way I felt talking to him etc... I can't stop thinking about him. I know he'd hate that but what can I say.
And. I guess Thats mostly it. Seeing my friend was wonderful and it's haunting me. But I fear is haunting me because I'm trying to runaway from the ghost town I constructed. I mean for a crazy second let's pretend I lived in this classy, nice, historical city, it's not like we'd be friends or hang out. He is so different than me and would ever want anything to do with me. I, in many ways, am too young for this city. But I think about him because, well because it's hope, well, of a nature. I always liked him growing up, he had a lot of traits I loved and I wanted to be near him. I have all these thoughts. All these things I want to be more than they are. I think I'm too open for this city. I. I don't know. There's a lot of emotions going on on my brain and none of them fair. It's insane for me to be thinking about what happened but I'm thinking about it in part because I have to believe it could be different than Evan. That the world could be different than post Evan. And yet... So I'm hiding from the impendingness of Evan thoughts. Of the landslide of thoughts and stories and memories and wishings of Evan.
And so I'm stuck. Stuck continuing to go through that damn tunnel and all the time paying out more and more of my self, my soul in fares. But I have no idea where to go next, how to get off, what direction is ok. I just am trapped.
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