(no subject)
Therapy, it has come to my attention, I'd for suckers. Therapy is basically asking you to make peace with the fact that you won't get what you were supposed to. It is basically teaching you how to be ok with comprising everything you wanted or believed in. And I say no. This doesn't appeal to me anymore.
I am in Boston and I literally smell Italy. I see Evan absolutely everywhere and I simply don't care. I am done telling myself everyday that I should suffer. I'm done having to remind myself that it's over and I'll never be with him again. Just done.
I love Evan. I understand I messed everything up. I get it. I know I won't ever be happy. Im done using skills to get through a second. This is idiotic. I mean I think about how I could barely deal with life without Fred and I've been thinking about why this is going so much worse. It's because I didn't expect to marry Fred. What I thought would happen would be that I would be his forever. That he would own me and he would decide who I should marry, help me figure out who I would be with. So. For instance, I just figured out the reason that I can't sleep with people. I feel as though I'm cheating on Fred. I trusted him and gave that part of myself and yea. I said it would only be him and thats all it has been.
With Evan, I knew. KNEW. I would marry him. So now what the hell do I give to someone else? I can't actually get past this. There actually is no way and I'm done with thi nonsense.
So unless my therapist starts amazingly becoming useful towards my life... I'm done. Skills are for the weak. Therapy is for those without direction. I thought I was both but I just didn't accept that I can't make this work.
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