(no subject)
Sorry for the delay in the long explanation. Have had a hard week.
When I started therapy I told her my goals were 1 to be married. Evan situation stuff. 2 career. 3 God / beliefs.
About four weeks ago maybe a little longer Andrea said she didn't feel she could help me with the Evan situation and therefor we should try one of the other two. I said career was more important so we jumped into that.
Last week Andrea said she didn't think she could be a career counselor to me but could ask why I didnt think I had a career. So, it being me, I've shut down.
I've been going for just under six months and we've decided that the two most important parts of my life can't be helped. Why try anymore? Needless to say my urges across the board are way up.
I got a raise at work but I just care about getting away. Tomorrow starts my weekend off and I just need to leave. Go far. No cell. No Internet. Nothing. Be alone. But last time I tried that was puerto Rico and we all remember how well that went...
I miss him. As my best friend. I miss having that.
Andrea keeps telling me that we need to find ways to make this life meaningful. Spend time with animals. Do little thongs I enjoy. Things to make this life better. Bearable. But. She doesn't get it. I don't want this life to be bearable. This life doesn't deserve that. so i used to notice that i got sad early. ive mentioned it in here before. i get sad and two days later something will happen. well ive been on the verge of tears every moment for a few days. this is way worse than it has been recently. i'm scared of what that means is coming.
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