(no subject)
I originally had this thought that I could take this long weekend, get the most our of working a flexible schedule job and go away. It turned out to be difficult to make work. Eventually I figured out it was because I was being selfish. I took Evan to the ocean with mr once after I had driven down a few times on my own and wanted to show him. I loved him so much. It's idiotic for me to think about going in a way that would mess up that memory of him. I will go and watch the waves and reflect.
I read recently that a common photography mistake when taking pictures of water is to show both the origional and the reflection.
I want Evan to show up there. Sometimes now I lie to myself that it's closer now, downhill battle. A part of me knows it's lost that I'll never speak to him again. That part is shocked everytime it relearns I'm not going to be able to tell Cameron Evan about that crazy lady at the bagel shop. I can even imagine him laughing. Sometimes I think he's miserable too but doesn't know it's because he misses me. But, in truth, he's happy and there nothing else in the picture but because it's true.
So, I'll go. And I'll wait. And maybe he'll be there on the beach. Someday. Because I have nothing else to do but wait.
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