Older
Daniel actually went through and read all of the emails between me and Fred and his comment was that I seemed older in them. I was thinking about that recently. My old therapist said at one point that it was as if I just had decided I didn't want to enter in the adult world. Anyone remember one of the primary reasons I broke things off with Fred? I felt like I hadn't had the chance to figure out just being me. It's as if when I'm with Fred I had to be ready for the world and at the time I was probably too young to do that but now... it's where I should have been.
A while back Daniel said that he thinks this girl could have been perfect for him but that they met at the wrong time. I've been wondering that about Fred. If I had been older, better, then what would have happened?
It's happened four times now. I'll wake up, or be driving or be talking to myself and I'll hear it, my actual voice, my actual self. It's how I sound when I talk to Fred.
Walking in the grocery store with David the other night we were joking around and he brought his hand up as though to hit me, before I even realized what had happened he was hugging me and telling me not to flinch. Who knew it was so ingrained in my head?
At group they keep emphasizing how wrong I am to hold to my will power version of the world. "If all it took were will power we would all be perfect human beings.," they say to me as if this proves their point. I counter with "EXACTLY."
Part of therapy I know means I have to be willing to let go of some ideas that I have held to. It's hard to know which ones to leave go of and which ones I should keep. It's hard to know what is an excuse to be lazy, what is simple indulgence and what is real. My therapist keeps telling me that even if we lined up the strictest catholic priests and told them everything I had done with Evan, everything I had messed up that they wouldn't sentence me the way I have myself. THen I remember Daniel and how much more he thinks I deserve than even what I have found myself guilty for, how much more I need to pay. It's hard to know how much I should let go and how much is my burden to carry with me. She likened it to a boulder in the grieving process. Initially, when you lose something it feels as if a boulder has landed on top of you, you can't get out from under and it becomes your entire vantage point but that eventually it starts to become smaller, until, eventually, it becomes like a stone that you carry with you in your pocket, a stone you can feel but that isn't the entire world. It seems like I should carry around far more weight than that.
Part of the problem is that I believe that since none of this meant anything to Evan, since he was able to never think of me again, since he in fact has gone out of his way to delete me from every aspect of his life and memory that it is even more my burden. If this were to be something that has ever happened, if this were to have been at all, it is up to me to hold the memory, the guilt, the grief. Like the memory keeper in the Giver, it should all fall to me. If I let go than it is as if nothing ever happened, we never knew each other, nothing was real.
Suposidly, you play peek-a-boo with babies to teach them that the bear, person, toy will come back, wont be gone forever. For me, if it is not infront of me, if it doesn't have that permanence, that tangible quality of being right in front of me, it is less real. So, if I don't hold onto Evan than he never exisited, which means my love for him was never true, never happened, which means I didn't.
I am supposed to be working on dealing with the Evan situation. I am supposed to be thinking about letting all of my emotions out, to actually grieve but I can't do that. If I were to start it would be like falling into a black void, I would never be able to get back up, there would be no functioning Lara, no Lara that works and does well at work, there would be no tomorrow, it would just be this endless void that I would sink into. This abyss where no one else would be able to get me out and I would be lost in my own head till the end of time. Crazy asylum stuff.
But, what if I am grieving the wrong person? Evan used to always say that he felt that I was really waiting for Fred? All of this has made me wonder if I didn't really change forever with Fred. Like I was ready to grow up, to give up being a teenager (I met him when I was 15), give up being a young adult to be with him, because that's where he was and I wanted to be with him. Then when that ended, perhaps I did in some ways revert, try to go back and have all these experiences I missed. I don't know. I just wonder if there's a reason I seem myself in my emails to Fred. If I seem closer when I write to a person I haven't spoken to in six years than even the imaginary conversations with the boy I thought I would marry. It's funny though because I try to imagine talking to Evan in the voice that I can almost identify as myself and I can't. I don't know if it is that I don't think he would like me or if it is because it is simply so different than how we were together. Then I wonder if he would like this version of me more. And then I think it doesn't matter because he will never come back. He will never keep his promise. He will never try to be my friend.
I keep my phone on when I fly so I can call Fred if I am about to crash. I've admitted that before. I fear that it will be like that with Evan. I am planning a vacation and I ask all the time what if I don't come back. How would Evan ever know? I Know Fred wouldn't care, wouldn't need to. But I still hope Evan would care. Don't know how much I believe he would anymore. Probably would have to ask "who's Lara again?"
So, if that is true, any of this, well I don't really know what any of it would mean or honestly if it would even matter. I like myself better when I talk to Fred but what difference would it make? I think Fred was right that I was never the same. But should I try to be? What could it possibly matter now?
I love traveling, feeling that alone, that exploring nature. It occured me last night walking to work that I did that with Seattle. I moved up here by myself, in some ways I am alone up here, there's no family, no anything. Just me. It was a great feeling. Made me wonder if I shouldn't be doing some solitary retreat where I am just locked alone in a cave for two weeks. But, again, what could it matter? Any of it anymore? I think the sin I carry started with Fred. I rejected carrying that weight and it has only made it worse. I can't really hide from things forever. Move away again... wouldn't matter. Still would haunt me wouldn't it? But would it matter?
Late twenties... "I haven't waited nearly as long as I will."
A while back Daniel said that he thinks this girl could have been perfect for him but that they met at the wrong time. I've been wondering that about Fred. If I had been older, better, then what would have happened?
It's happened four times now. I'll wake up, or be driving or be talking to myself and I'll hear it, my actual voice, my actual self. It's how I sound when I talk to Fred.
Walking in the grocery store with David the other night we were joking around and he brought his hand up as though to hit me, before I even realized what had happened he was hugging me and telling me not to flinch. Who knew it was so ingrained in my head?
At group they keep emphasizing how wrong I am to hold to my will power version of the world. "If all it took were will power we would all be perfect human beings.," they say to me as if this proves their point. I counter with "EXACTLY."
Part of therapy I know means I have to be willing to let go of some ideas that I have held to. It's hard to know which ones to leave go of and which ones I should keep. It's hard to know what is an excuse to be lazy, what is simple indulgence and what is real. My therapist keeps telling me that even if we lined up the strictest catholic priests and told them everything I had done with Evan, everything I had messed up that they wouldn't sentence me the way I have myself. THen I remember Daniel and how much more he thinks I deserve than even what I have found myself guilty for, how much more I need to pay. It's hard to know how much I should let go and how much is my burden to carry with me. She likened it to a boulder in the grieving process. Initially, when you lose something it feels as if a boulder has landed on top of you, you can't get out from under and it becomes your entire vantage point but that eventually it starts to become smaller, until, eventually, it becomes like a stone that you carry with you in your pocket, a stone you can feel but that isn't the entire world. It seems like I should carry around far more weight than that.
Part of the problem is that I believe that since none of this meant anything to Evan, since he was able to never think of me again, since he in fact has gone out of his way to delete me from every aspect of his life and memory that it is even more my burden. If this were to be something that has ever happened, if this were to have been at all, it is up to me to hold the memory, the guilt, the grief. Like the memory keeper in the Giver, it should all fall to me. If I let go than it is as if nothing ever happened, we never knew each other, nothing was real.
Suposidly, you play peek-a-boo with babies to teach them that the bear, person, toy will come back, wont be gone forever. For me, if it is not infront of me, if it doesn't have that permanence, that tangible quality of being right in front of me, it is less real. So, if I don't hold onto Evan than he never exisited, which means my love for him was never true, never happened, which means I didn't.
I am supposed to be working on dealing with the Evan situation. I am supposed to be thinking about letting all of my emotions out, to actually grieve but I can't do that. If I were to start it would be like falling into a black void, I would never be able to get back up, there would be no functioning Lara, no Lara that works and does well at work, there would be no tomorrow, it would just be this endless void that I would sink into. This abyss where no one else would be able to get me out and I would be lost in my own head till the end of time. Crazy asylum stuff.
But, what if I am grieving the wrong person? Evan used to always say that he felt that I was really waiting for Fred? All of this has made me wonder if I didn't really change forever with Fred. Like I was ready to grow up, to give up being a teenager (I met him when I was 15), give up being a young adult to be with him, because that's where he was and I wanted to be with him. Then when that ended, perhaps I did in some ways revert, try to go back and have all these experiences I missed. I don't know. I just wonder if there's a reason I seem myself in my emails to Fred. If I seem closer when I write to a person I haven't spoken to in six years than even the imaginary conversations with the boy I thought I would marry. It's funny though because I try to imagine talking to Evan in the voice that I can almost identify as myself and I can't. I don't know if it is that I don't think he would like me or if it is because it is simply so different than how we were together. Then I wonder if he would like this version of me more. And then I think it doesn't matter because he will never come back. He will never keep his promise. He will never try to be my friend.
I keep my phone on when I fly so I can call Fred if I am about to crash. I've admitted that before. I fear that it will be like that with Evan. I am planning a vacation and I ask all the time what if I don't come back. How would Evan ever know? I Know Fred wouldn't care, wouldn't need to. But I still hope Evan would care. Don't know how much I believe he would anymore. Probably would have to ask "who's Lara again?"
So, if that is true, any of this, well I don't really know what any of it would mean or honestly if it would even matter. I like myself better when I talk to Fred but what difference would it make? I think Fred was right that I was never the same. But should I try to be? What could it possibly matter now?
I love traveling, feeling that alone, that exploring nature. It occured me last night walking to work that I did that with Seattle. I moved up here by myself, in some ways I am alone up here, there's no family, no anything. Just me. It was a great feeling. Made me wonder if I shouldn't be doing some solitary retreat where I am just locked alone in a cave for two weeks. But, again, what could it matter? Any of it anymore? I think the sin I carry started with Fred. I rejected carrying that weight and it has only made it worse. I can't really hide from things forever. Move away again... wouldn't matter. Still would haunt me wouldn't it? But would it matter?
Late twenties... "I haven't waited nearly as long as I will."