The Emails The Collection of Emails from Fred
(no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Mon, Aug 16, 2010 2:47 pm
lara
I have to admit. I am mildly curious as to what you want.
fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
Re: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, Aug 16, 2010 7:07 pm
thank you. the honest truth? not much. i feel old and tired. and scared. its been a long time fred. you must barely remember me. i'm sorry. for a lot. i dont want much. i just wanted to get back in touch. i dont think that's really an option but i wanted to try. im not looking for someone to go grab my morning coffee with just. talking. online. occasionally. ill tell you whats going on and you can decide for yourself. but regardless of where my life is, my wants havent/wont change.
my year has been hard. my father passed. suddenly. havent spoken to my family much since. he had a heart attack. he lied to us for months. he was ill and didnt want us to know. he died alone. i begged God, begged, for just one thing. i didnt care that my father died. i mean i did but that wanst the problem. i just didnt wnat him to be alone. i hope you can understand that.
i was engaged. evan. we were waiting until he finished school. hes about to graduate from ubc with a masters in physics. we were planning a wedding, what to name our kids. he hit me. twice. i couldnt stop crying. he couldnt stop. he broke up with me one month after my father died. two weeks later he met a girl. two weeks after that they moved in together.
i still dont know what i want to do wtih my life. i bought a house. i live with an ex boyfriend who i am great great friends with. he is the sweetest thing. just so nice. clingy but nice.
i'm scared. and i dont trust people. and im confused because i believed all these promises and now they arent true. its nothing that i expect you to answer. maybe you know some great secret that puts you way ahead of the rest of us, definately me, but i dont know.
i trusted you. you were kind. ive missed talking to you for six years. theres not much i could want from you. id like to talk. you want the total one hundred percent truth? id like to know you. you were smarter than i could ever hope to be and things made more sense when you explained them. and i trusted you. i thought i could learn. but now i am old. anad now i am tired. and i just want someone with whom to talk. theres really nothing else i am capable of asking. i hope that request isnt too much. id really like it. and i do so hope you are well. happy birthday. know i have never forgotten. every single year without fail i have wished you a happy birthday and merry christmas. i hope my wishing has somehow helped. i wont pretend to know who you are anymore. its been too long. i wont pretend that you even should remember me. but if youre ever up or bored and have a second. id truly like it.
be well.
lara-ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Tue, Aug 24, 2010 3:10 am
lara
against the advice of pretty much everyone who knows me that ive talked to about you and my own common sense I write this email.
I dont know if I will correspond to you but there is alot that you need to know.
first and formost .. for me anyways.. my ability to see what is going to happen is damned near flawless. I say damned near cause the one flaw makes it a total joke. I can tell you what will happen. I cant tell you even remotely closely when. the events are ALWAYS as I see them. just have no idea when its going to happen. hugely not useful.
I never forgot you. even now 5 years later I rarely go more than a week or two without wondering about you and how your doing. you were a huge part of my life and there was an awful lot about our relationship that we fucked up. im pretty sure you were never the same after our time together and I was not.
you have alot to be sorry for. you did alot of not nice things to me. but that was a 2 way street. when I started fighting back I did alot of not nice things to you. alot. for those I appoligize. I wont appoligize for who I was cause I like who I am now and would not be here if I wasnt there.
your dad died. I gaurantee you he wasnt alone. even if he was physicaly he wasnt alone.
evan is a douche. I knew that when he first contacted me. did not like him but then I didnt like most of the boys you found. they had a habbit of threatening me and that is damned irritating. FYI I won several medals for hand to hand combat. I am very lethal (if currently fat and out of shape) now.
you always viewed me as good and nice. I was not. I was a complete douche bag and in terms you will understand I was a complete black magician. full of hatred and anger and the desire to hurt people. took me a very long time to get away from that. im actualy still working on getting away from that.
im surprised you contacted amee to find me. she hasnt talked to me in an even longer time than you.
I got disowned by my family. un inherited, the whole nine yards. cant say I care that much now. hurt like hell when it happened tho.
as for you knowing me. even if we do write occasionaly, I will never allow you close enough to me to know me well. I dont trust easily any more.
I am sorry for the things that happened between us. There was alot that happened that never should have. some you made happen. some I did. you were a huge part of my life and I loved you intensly. in a fashion I still do. you evoked great passion in me. you were like gasoline to a flame. I dont accuse you of anything. just stating. I made my peace with that and a whole host of other issues. I am not healed yet. there are still some things that I need to root out and fix. I am attempting to.. not become pure, but wise. I know that is a life long journey, I know I may never reach it in my life time. I know that some of the experiences we shared have helped others resolve issues in their lives and made it better for them. I will never have children. my only hope of leaving a legacy is teaching people to think and view things in a different and hopefully better way.
I have learned that I am nothing special. which I have to admit drives the question of why you think I am. I see things in a different way than most. that does not make me unique or special. And even if I didnt understand what I was explaining I can phrase things in a way that make people who just told me the problem understand it. its a weird knack but not a gift or anything special. I hurt alot of people in my life. I have helped alot as well.
patches passed on. but you had to have expected that. she did make it to 19 yrs old tho.
like I said before. I dont know if I will write again. but this email needed to be written. dont know if you needed to hear it or I needed to say it. either way. I dont regret my time with you. my memories of that time are still very vivid. everything, from the physical through the religious and metaphysical. the quiet special times when you slept on the phone and I just listened to you breathe and the violent arguments and fights.
well, if this email made no sense I tried to articulate the things that needed to be said. I do have a bad habit of not being able to express what im thinking very clearly. but here is a quote from a song that I try to incorperate into my life. "my path is set, I live with no regrets...." you probably dont want the rest of the quote.
fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Thu, Sep 2, 2010 7:31 pm
Attachment
start.doc
for someone who only wanted to talk you might wonder why it has taken me such a time to respond to an email. its easy. i got the only thing i wanted. so i waited. i didnt know what to do. you see its easy to want something. and oh how i wanted to talk to you. more than you can understand. since reading your email i have asked everyone know if it is ever truly possible to be content, to be satisfied. everyone, without exception, said that once you got what you wanted, you could only ever want more. i dont believe them. i guess by writing this i am proving them right. i was so-ok. i actually was ok. for the first time in years i felt ok. i didnt need anything else. i went through tunnels and saw stars but didnt have a wish. i couldnt possibly ask for more than this and had nothing else to want. the truth is nothing. it was enough.
that said theres a voice in my head that makes me scared. like what if i could have talked to you and i missed it? or worse yet what if i write this email and you never respond?
ill move on.
ive though often of what i would say. my bike rides around the beach and under the bridges, i write out every line-i assure you they all sounded better than this... i guess i wanted to start with saying. thank you. thank you for reading, that you for writing me. i am surprised you asked people. ive kept such secrets. such secrets. id never be brave enough to admit to anyone that i had tried to reach you. fear youd never read it. i didnt think it would be such a decision for you. i dont know why you dont trust people and wont be arrogant enough to guess. i dont expect you to trust me but i wish i could earn it. theres no way for me to hurt you now. you are married and happy and i miles away and weak. and couldnt. ever. after six year youd think id have shown im not out for maliciousness. no anger can last that long.
you were right. i was never the same. i dont know how to explain it other than the way i have tried for years to anyone i trusted (two people). years later, after we stopped talking, i saw a picture of you. this must have been 2 years ago. it was a current photo and i knew you were ok. i wroked at an art museum them and there was snow around the city. and i was beyond. i walked through the city, through the buildings with the people hurrying ut of the snw and i wasnt there. it was as if everyone existed in this plane and i, i was just watching. it was as if my universe was another dimension, another and it was so beautiful. and i was so excited. id say that was my first doubt about things with evan but id be lying. i was never same after you. never. i never felt the same about anyone. friends, family, anything. and i couldnt be the same person.it was as though everything i had was left with you, with, with everything. buried out in the forest and me now? nothing. its like im some hollow shell. people all look at me the same way. everyone things i am so pretty, so innocent, so hurt. its true. kinda. if you knew the things i had done. if you knew what i did. im far from innocent. i hold on to these precious beliefs in such a way to cripple myself. ill stay "pure" till im married for whatever that means. its a lie. the same lie ive told for half a decade. its all lies. everyone thinks all these things of me and so much so that i grew into what they wanted, what they expected and now i am so lost. to say im not the same doesnt do it justice. i lost myself. more than that i lost the right to be alive. im not anymore. i cant feel. anything. i feel fear i guess. id say betrayal with evan but its more just anger. i feel sadness i suppose. to the effect that the only thin i believe in is the truth and beauty of loss. i write now. a bit. the only line ive ever written that i like i dont have a place for yet but it goes "the only thing beautiful about her was the absence" or something. its my only truth. nothing is good, nothing is pure but love and love is only through tragedy right? what is more beautiful than sorrow? i was never the same. i made myself flinch when guys came close, make them think i was hurt. i just didnt like being touched. i just didnt like them ever asking questions.
im frightened to write too much. but there is so much i want to ask/tell you. i have no write but i will ask anyway because i have to try. could we talk? could i write you and know you will write me? daniel says i can be explained by the fact that i have never felt safe in my entire life. its the only true thing that he has ever said. i wait everyday for someone else to leave me. every day. that is the worst part about what happened with evan. if someday i do fall in love and get married i will wake up each morning expecting to find the bed empty. i'll never sleep through the night. i meant what i said, about being complete but i want so badly to have something to believe in, i want so badly for that to be you. i think of it like a spy who is caught and put in a cell. he can spend his entire life just wanting to see a photo and then one day a letter arrives and his wants have suffered with him so long in that dirt room he is content, knowing the person in the photo is married, is happy, is enough. how could you possibly want to be happy yourself whne you are lucky neough to be ok now? i sound insane.
im sorry evan threatened you. he was supposed to ask if you would walk me down the aisle. you were always the only one who ever protected me. even while my father was alive he was never. never.
i dont know you anymore and can only speak for what i thought i knew but you were good. in my mind. you were nice and kind and honest and caring. im sorry. i dont know any other version of you. until you disapeared and even then i knew it was all my fault. that i didnt give you a choice. i mean i didnt want that but i caused it. it was all my fault. but you were never anything but. i didnt know the evil you mention.
im sorry you wont have kids. i always feel guilty for not wanting any when i know so many who would.
and as for Patches. please know i loved her. so much. i have birthday gifts for her. that i. i didnt know how to giivee to herr.
and i believe you i guess about the being special. none of us are. not really. i mean i know what i am, what i am worth and i know how little that is. but. to me. you were. you were everything. my entire life is buried out there in that forest because my entire life will always only ever be the years in which i knew you. ive made my peace with that but i still believe its everyones choice. i dont expect to be anything but i know to certain people i will always mean more than i should, more than i am worth. its a weird responsibility. i know i dont deserve it. i dont know.
when i first thought of writing you i thought i could be nice and do it the way our work messges are done where they give like the most important blips at top and then if someone wants to read more they can keep reading and the bottom witll have all this explination and history and everything that gets lost. i still want to. i know its like what else have i been rambling about if not all that right? but its me and i live in my own head. too much. may i ask you some questions?
who: who am i? am i evil?
what: can you tell me what i should do with my life? what career i should go into?
when: did you know? did you know about evan and what would happen? the way he would hurt me? did you know? and more importantly. is this how will always be? will i get married? will i ever be in love and feel safe or is that over?
how: how can i get it back, Fred, how can i get back to who i was. i dont know if i ever told you this or not but sometimes i hear music. i dont know where it comes from but i used to hear it and i miss it. i used to think the trees could hear me and i used to believe in God and love and... now its not like that. now i am old. now i am tired.
years ago you told me once that if anything were to happen to me you would know. is that still true? i always wondered. its funny, Fred, i have written you hundreds of letters. all of them are partially to myself. now i dont know how to write one to you, the real actual you. im sorry.
ive been wanting so much to talk to someone about these thoughts in my head but no one seems much interested. ill put them down. maybe you will be.
i watched this move, revolver, same guy as snatch, and the whole premise is that your greatest enemy is actually yourself. it falls on this old belief that the devil is your ego. that the devil is so smart that he actually found a way to make you trust him, and that is by being your voice. i have to admit i find this fascinating. evidently it is jewish mysticism. who knows. i keep thinking about it. and it makes sense. mroe and more people believe in God but less and less in the devil which in and of itself is frightening. i wonder about how. if the devil was able to do this whn we ate the apple. if we invited him into our boddies then. and now he lurks in our minds. the thing baout the theory is that i dont see how it allows for love. it seems to not provide for that. i also think about people near death experiences and about how they dont seem to have this and i wonder if the devil leaves the person because the person comes cloes to God and knows better than the devil at that point.
i wonder too about happiness. if its ok to admit defeat. to accept that one may not be happy ever and to be ok with that. i wonder if its possible to be ok with knowing he will just only ever be ok.
i read thsi story recently that has kept me up at night. it is this story of a mass grave site from 1861. everyone around knows about it. it is said to hold the bodies of irish rail road workers who died of cholera. it was recently discoverd however that everyone in there died of a traumatic injury. like a bullet. i wonder about it. about something that has been a secret for nearly 200 years. why were they hiding it. what were they hiding. so long. so long the secret was held. so long that the secret, the lie became truth. so long.
i didnt know, i mean, i dont even know what you do now. tangentially iknow the rules i suppose. dont ask questions. dont ask for things that would require you trusting me. dont ask for confirmation of past feelings, past words. i know the rules. and ill follow them. i dont mind rules. i want to know you. i already said that. id make any promise you asked. but ill follow the rules. ill take whatever you are willing to give. and ill be grateful. i want to talk. i miss talking to you. i just miss talking to someone who understands me. i mean not that you neccessarily would anymore but. i dont know. i miss talking wihtout editing.
the attachment: i wrote a story i thought you might enjoy reading. i took a fiction class and rather liked this one. i didnt know. remember the first time i wrote jules? i sent him rain. it was important to me at the time. this isnt really the same. i just. thought you might like it.
tell me how. tell me when and where and i will do it. i would like to talk to you. i dont need mountains. id like to know you stopped but i dont need that either. to be honest, i got what i needed for my life when you responded. everything now is me being greedy. i miss talking to you. im not trying to hurt you, i wouldnt know how, i couldnt possibly. im not trying ot mkae your life complicated, in fact im trying to decomplicate my head. there are so many things Fred that i wnat to say to you, so many things i want to share with you. i can only hope 6 years was long enough to wait. i wont pretend that i deserve this. that you have forgiven me. but please. id like to talk. ill hope to hear from you soon. i dont think i have ever been so nervous to press send in my life .and ive applied to grad school more times than i care to admit. i just worry something i said was wrong. something wasnt enough or was too much or i should have shut up a million times. i am purposefully not editing this as i actually do want you to understand that i have no ill intent that there is no hidden motive. that i am this nervous and this floundering and this hopeful and this scared and just wanting to talk. because i miss it. id really love to hear from you.
thank you for even listening. thank you.
lara-ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Fri, Sep 24, 2010 1:58 pm
Hi
this is going to be probably shorter than you want from me.
I have taken a long time to consider if this is really the best option for either of us. all I can see is pain. you had to know that I wasnt going to call. inspite of everything I think that would be a very very bad move. if you want to communicate with me you will have to be content with the odd email. as for your questions.. I will deal with them later. i wont answer them or attemt to answer them as I dont think I can answer them all, until I learn something from you.
this is something that really has been running through my mind for ages and not just recently. I have been wondering why I am so important to you, why now, when I was with you I never felt like you thought I was important. when we dated you railed against me the entire time. so what changed to make me important now? (dont take this as criticism, its not, its just bewilderment) maybe I missunderstood what you thought of me, but im still curious.
I will tell you this tho, in no way has my ability to sense and or feel you gone away. I just do my best to ignore it and it becomes a hum in the back of my head I can put out of my mind. I cant figure out for the life of me how to turn it off.
anyways. ive got things to do.
bye
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, Sep 27, 2010 7:59 pm
I write this far sooner than I should because I need to ask something of you. Thursday is my birthday, the 30th. I admit I am frightened for it, if you can truly feel me you understand where I'm going. If you have a moment, I know I am taking up much of your time, but, would you email me? That is why I have responded faster than I ought.
In truth, I have thought of your question for ages myself, Did you know that the word aeon and eon are linked together in the dictionary and yet mean very different things? I have been thinking of your question for a long time.
I feel like I am going to let you down with my answer because, in truth, I have little to offer. I wish there was some grand explanation that could make it better but I lack that. I can almost tell you that it didn't matter if it were you or Justin or Evan or anyone else, that at that time in my life 11700-wow um... my father died almost 10 years to the day (11910)! after- but um, it didn't matter, it couldn't have mattered. I simply didnt know enough, i didnt have anyway to deal with anything i was feeling. i couldn't have possibly put you where you belonged in my life. i didnt have the tools i needed to make sense of the world yet, i didn't know anything. have you ever met someone and thought that you could love that person but it simply wasn't the right time? i guess its almost like that. i had to figure out who i was, i had to know what it was like on my own because i didnt know who i was and i didnt know how to answer any questions. ive thought that a lot. i also, somewhere in my mind, have answered the question differently. at times i have speculated that it was because at the time i needed something very different from you than what we had. i needed either a friend or a father and neither were fair to you. in short, i dont have a good answer. the truest answer might the one i am most frightened of (always a clear indication right). evan felt the same with me: like i wasn't there when we were together and whenever he would leave i would need him. perhaps i simply take things for granted but then why would i be thinking of you still all this time later. or maybe i was scared, scared of things working and me missing something or scared of things not working and me being to blame. my guess is that it was a number of things. i know that i am not good, that i am, well, i know. but for the past six years i have thought of you daily, daily. in my life i regard little as worse or more painful or more of a regret than not figuring out a way to be kept as your slave even if you no longer liked me for anything else. it has taken me a long time to understand this but ill do my best to explain, succinctly. did you know that cows or sheep (cant remember which) feel intense panic before they Think they are going to die but that squeezing them can be reassuring/calming and that that is why some places will have such tight hallways for them to walk down? do you remember ages ago telling me that when you are angry the best thing to do is hug you? for me too in some ways. i feel safer bound, restricted. i think, and i hate this, but i think that maybe i wanted to push against you because i was a foolish and stupid girl and i wanted to feel some safety of boundaries. i wanted you to chase me down, to confine me. i. i wanted to feel safer.
like i said, i wish i had a better answer, something that would in some way be the right thing to say. you deserve a better answer than i have to offer.
i know why i have spent the past six years writing you emails only twice a year. i was scared of your saying no. i was scared if i tried too hard youd hate me even more. but i couldnt handle the thought of you forgetting i ever existed. perhaps it is my fault you still can sense me. there have been so many nights i have asked for help from stars or wind to help carry my voice when i call to you. i, i was selfish. i didnt, i couldnt think that you were trying to not hear me. i didnt know you were trying to tune it out. i thought if i only did it sporadically, maybe it woudl still have some meaning. i didnt want to be ungrateful, to ask too much. but, i already had, long ago.
i'd say i'm sorry for taking your time but, i love it. i mean i dont want to be a bother, i dont want to get in the way of you doing the things you need to do but i am so grateful to even know you remember me. i feared for so long that something could have happened to you and i would have no way to know. i plan plane trips wondering how you would know if i died. i worried so that something could have happened to you and i am not like, i dont know how to sense people and i think you would have stopped me from doing so long ago if it even had been something i could do. i am so relieved and happy to even just know you are ok.i hate the way you must feel about me and i cannot begin to apologize enough.
and yes, i know it will bring pain. but you're smart enough to know i am already bringing myself pain and this, and this waiting for the odd email from you, this i why it is only pain and nothing worse that i am bringing myself.
i'm sorry i didnt do more, that i didnt say enough how grateful i was to have been friends with you. i should have. i should have done much. i can't change that, though i want it. but, please, know that for six years someone out there has been grateful for you. that should mean something to you. please, dont let my foolishness, my childishness ever, ever make you question yourself, it was only me, it was only ever my lacking. and i'm sorry. please know i was wrong and that i am sorry and that you did and do deserve far better. i'm sorry. and thank you.
thank you,
Lara-Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Thu, Sep 30, 2010 3:08 pm
your lucky I checked my email. I usualy dont when im working as I now work over nights and work a minimum of 10 hours, usualy 14 and dont bother with much else excpet work and sleep when im actualy onshift.
happy birthday
and you are right, you wanted far different things from me than I could give you. to this day I still dont know what you actualy wanted from me. all I know is that alot of your theorys on how i feel about you are wrong. I dont hate you, I never did. I just couldnt be with you. as well, I had alot of expectations of you that you just couldnt live up to. which is my fault. but, that being neither here nor there, I hope you have a good birthday and that things are working out for you. and fyi, I can feel your anxiety and fear but have not the slightest idea what is causing it. I can sometimes find that out but that requires more effort than I have the energy for. it was extremely taxing for me to find out information on you that way.
you are perfectly capable of doing many of the same things I can you just never bothered looking outside enough to try.
I dont know how to respond to alot of what youve said. most of it makes a weird kind of sense. i always had the sense that you wanted me to .. I dont know.. be more forceful I guess. and thats actualy in my personality, the problem is that my emotions usualy run high when im like that and I cant control my rages. its why I am one of the calmest people around. now. took alot of work to get here. altho you were one of the only people who could actualy set me off and make me lose my temper. guess thats something.
and no matter what you say, alot of the way that things happened between us made me doubt me. everything from my self image to my being attractive to females. whatever. im over most of it now. I do have a fairly resilient personality now. the only constant in my life has been change so I just adapted to it. wooo. welcome to the lara and fred 12 step program *sigh* I guess this is theraputic actualy talking about the shit that happened between us. im not going to deny that I resented you. but I never did hate you. I loved you too much for that. I did dislike alot of the things that happened. and how they made me feel but I never disliked you.
anyways, im going to go shower and what not for the day. ironicaly you and one of my new friends share your birthday.
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Fri, Oct 1, 2010 10:46 am
1. Thank you. Just thank you.
Yesterday was as hard as i thought it would be, in fact i'm not in such a great place write now and forgive me but that is in part why i needed to write you. i just cant get past everything with evan. he didnt even bother to phone me on my birthday. i called him this morning and he pressed ignore on his phone and texted me that he would email me. which he did:
"Hey Lara,
I know we aren't doing great right now, but I hope this finds you well and I hope your birthday is fun. Have a great day; eat some cake. My present won't get there today, but it'll get there soon. I hope this year is better for you."
so now i am fighting a strong desire to hurt him. very strong desire. i know how that sounds. especially to someone like you who is way beyond that but it just doesnt seem fair you know? i hate hurting this much and i just cant do it anymore. i hate this. i need it to stop. ill try to not waste your time with those feelings though.
after i sent my prior email to you i went back and read my journal looking for the time when you and i stopped talking to see if i could better answer your last question and well... ready for step 2 of our 12? fred, there was a lot of bad stuff. our last conversations were us fighting or phone sex. neither what i wanted from you. was hard reading that. you would say youd call and never would. when you would call i would attack you and hurt you.
i did see somethings though. take it for what you will. fred... this will sound like a cop out but, i really never knew better. i took you for granted because i honestly thought that what you and i had was normal. i really had no way to know it wasnt. i know that sounds foolish and it was. it was terribly foolish but its true. i thought all relationships were like ours. i just thought it was usual.
i was repulsed by reading back my old entries. i was the most self centered little spoilt brat that ever was which seems weird in some ways because i feel like i used to care so much more. i hated myself reading those back. i was embarrassed, ashamed to even... yea. im sorry. for who i was. i dont know how you bothered with me at all. i am truly sorry.
but. for the good. reading the entries i know EXACTLY when i realized i wouldnt be hearing from you again. i can HEAR the change in myself: my tone, my cadence, even what i write. youre right, i was never the same.
thank you for checking your email. thank you for wishing me a good birthday. will you tell me about you? what work are you doing now? how did you meet your wife? when i met evan i knew, in that instant i knew id marry him. i dont know how things got so fucked up. im not strong enough to deal with it, and i dont want to. how was it different for you. how did it feel? i feel myself jumping, im sorry. i lack many friends-trust issues and well lara issues and tend to jump quickly to caring and talking when i dont have the right. i appologize. you just cant know how long ive wnated to talk to you. i graduated in 2006. did you know? i thought of that day. my super old journal:
"the real hurt is fred though. and even with everything else going on, with evan, with jim, with everything.... its still fred. its still that i need him to be there. i feel like this is a waste if he isnt there. i mean whats the point if i cant see him, see his face smile when i walk across the stage. to see him be proud of me. i mean other people want their parents and this is the same thing. fred raised me. none of this matters if he isnt there. its like i did this for him, we did this together ad hes not here. it feels hollow. its a type of hollow, emptiness that shouldnt accompany graduation but yet here it is. taken over. it hurts so bad to even think about being in graduation and knowing that i could scan the whole stadium and not see him. whats the point? graduation, school, everything was for him, and he doesnt even know. i want so badly to be able to send him a graduatiion announcement. even more i want to be able to send him an invitiation to my BFA show... i cant imagine any of this happeing with out him. its like it wont have happened. itll be like i watched it on tv. it cant meananything. and it cant be happening without him. cause its not reality in some ways. im not as alive when im not with him. i want him to be proud of me. i want to make him proud. and i wish i could see his smile, a smile because hes proud of what ive accomplished. i wish i could run up to him after the ceremony. to hug him. to say thank you to him. i want t osee his eyes. i already can too. i can imagine it so clearly its more real than memories to me. seeing him that day. how the sun looks on his hair. even how hes a little burnt. and i hear my self later that night trying to articulate how i feel about being doen with school. and i can feel him listening. ~feel~ him listening even though he doesnt say a word. and i just that whole day i feel glowing because i know hes proud of me. and that give all of this merit. it adds value to the four years. i feel like hagel or marx attempting to add value to these things but its how i feel. i jsut i could send him an announcement. i wish he could know. i wish he wanted to know. maybe the real problem isnt that everyone else is overlooking this momentus occasionbut that i am. because without fred theres nothing to see."
im sure you are crazy busy but let me know if you ever get time to read the story i sent you. you know whats weird? its my first birthday without my father and yet i caught myself asking questions as though i wasnt sure if he was dead before my last one. in some ways i feel so old.
and fred, i could never do what you can. ive died too many times. i dont understand living enough to feel anything, anyone. i cant even feel myself. im sorry you have to feel my anxiety. i wont tell you what its from so you wont have to feel that too. im sorry for the weight.
Lara Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Wed, Nov 3, 2010 2:21 pm
Hi Lara
Sorry evan was a douche. and yes, I have more than strong desires to hurt specific people. it happens. I have to be really careful with it as I can go to jail for it now.
Yes, our relationship was severely fucked up. there is no other way to honestly look at it. and if you want to know I stayed in it and with you for so long because I loved you. completely. I know when I got to the point that I knew I had to leave. I changed that day. better or worse who knows, but I changed. im not going to make excuses for the things that happened. hell I doubt I could rationalize them now anyways. but they did happen and it will always be there. I do know that at the end I felt that it did not matter what I did that I was going to get yelled at. it was depressing and I just tried to have as much fun as I could..(totaly non sexual reference here, dont take it that way)
as for me, im currently working as a security guard. trying to get on at canada post. I met my wife at a bar the night I lost everything. litteraly. my girlfriend at the time dumped me, kicked me out, lost my job, and even my favorite hang out place. it was a disaster. that was when I met lisa. *shrug* im not going into alot of detail into my life as I really have no desire to talk about it. patches passed on, im sure you knew. she made it to 19 tho and that was a damned good run.
I have not read the story yet. I will, but I think I was sick for the last little while (3 weeks or so) and its kinda sad that I cant really honestly say I knew I was sick cause I just hurt like hell and was chronicaly tired. I figured it was just from work.
writing emails is hard for me, I never was much of a talker.
you know, I never really did know what it was you wanted from me? you treated me like a boyfriend, and in alot of ways we were dating. but even when we were officialy dating you detested the physical aspects and the sexuality.
anyways, I work overnights now and I have to start getting ready for work, getting lunch made and what not.
be well lara
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, Nov 14, 2010 12:30 am
i'm sorry you were sick. i am too right now. i have bronchial pneumonia. at first, my work, wasn't going to even let me take a half day after working seven days in a row with it running fevers each day. finally they let me have a day off and now i'm on my weekend… finally. i feel like hell. of coarse, me sitting around (lying around) is just giving me time to get lost in my own head which isn't any better. for me.
things are pretty much the same. the holidays are approaching and i don't really know what to do. thanksgiving for the past five years i have spent with evans family. somewhere in the back of my mind i am holding onto this idiotic hope that he will show up on my door and say he still wanted me to come with him to the dinner. i know how that must sound. Christmas is easier in some ways. it doesn't matter in the same way. i have Christmas day off but will work the day before and after. last year i went home for 24 hours. last 24 hours i saw my father. how can i not go home this year right? but then my mother sent me an email a week ago (that i have yet to respond to) saying that she may skip having Christmas at the house this year. she has spent thousands of dollars redecorating it. i haven't been back since the funeral. january. i hate how much money she is spending but i guess it is just an annoyance. she set up a scholarship in ohio in my fathers name. doesn't even seem real to me.
i somehow started a bad habit, an extension of what i used to do with digging my finger nails into my arm, vie started cutting. its oddly addicting and a huge release. it got me into free therapy for um… dpt? dialectic personality? i don't know some form of borderline personality. basically, in my view, some excuse with a fancy name for why i keep messing things up that basically just means someone who is depressed. i had my first session today. i asked her what success for her patients looked like. she said almost all stopped self harm behaviors after a year. i laughed. i asked why that would be considered success. who cares if i'm cutting myself? who cares if i am managing the thoughts better, the emotions better, so that i can not jump to that?! the point is i still have fucked up my life enough that my brain is thinking that is a better option. i mean success would mean people BEING successful. being married. having a career. being with God. who cares if they are cutting themselves.
i made myself write a song. well half a song. it was at the least a creation instead of a destruction which i thought good. haha want the first part? humor me now:
In the night,
In the dark,
the sky falls to the dirt.
In the night,
in the dark,
the stars give in to hurt.
I remember when you passed me by
and I could look you down to stay;
but those were the nights of promise
and my words were never meant the same.
eh... poetry wasnt a strength but then neither was singing. ive tried for writing though. and speaking of, i have been devouring books including a horrid book called "scent of danger"about a beagle who is trained to smell out poisoned mice. yes, it was that awful.
i have to ask you something which i recognize will sound foolish. but. why didn't you let me run away to you. i know i know. it was years past. but i meant it a decade ago when i said that even if you were with someone else i would want to be your slave. probably strange to imagine. but. you were the only time in my life i felt safe and i believed you when you offered it. and yes, it would have been horrendously painful but, still, better.
i cant ever tell you enough how sorry i am for hurting you. i think about it daily.
its why it takes me a while to respond to you. i am always so happy, so surprised, so elated to hear from you, after everything, after all the time, after all feelings and emotions and, things i hope you'll never know. i just want to savor it. to keep thinking, knowing that i have something from you in my mailbox. i don't want to ruin that by replying. if i reply then yours is no longer there and i get scared all over again that its the end, that i will never hear from you again in my life. i wrote in my journal that i had waited years, nearly six years, to hear from you but i know its nothing compared to how long i will wait. and im always scared that it will start again the second i hit send. its not just you. i will wait forever for so many things, its what i deserve, its what i created but its so hard.
what happens fred to those who commit suicide? my father basically did that you know. what happens to them fred?
do you enjoy what you do now? i can easily see you in security, i was surprised to hear you'd want to work at the border.
i have a book for you-the art of racing in the rain.
two weeks ago i went to california with ryburn. you remember him, yes? hadn't seem him for a while and desperately wanted an escape. in some ways fred he has turned out to be a good man. he just is looking so hard for something that he grabs on to anything he sees no matter how bad it is. i also saw dave, from high school yearbook, you wouldn't have reason to remember him but it had been close to 9 years since i had seen or spoke to him. met his girlfriend too. funny how people change and stay the same all at once.
its been a while fred. would you be willing to answer any of my questions from before?
who: who am i? am i evil?
what: can you tell me what i should do with my life? what career i should go into?
when: did you know? did you know about evan and what would happen? the way he would hurt me? did you know? and more importantly. is this how it will always be? will i get married? will i ever be in love and feel safe or is that over? i consider success in love and married to the man i love that loves me. do i still have that future?
how: how can i get it back, Fred, how can i get back to who i was. dont know if i ever told you this or not but sometimes i hear music. i dont know where it comes from but i used to hear it and i miss it. i used to think the trees could hear me and i used to believe in God and love.
where: where am i supposed to be right now? i gave up much in case i haven't said that. i made an agreement with myself, a pact. i wouldn't make any new friends, wouldn't go out on a single date, wouldn't move on with my life in anyway because i felt it was my duty to wait for evan. but then i think about it and i don't know. i mean he left me because he didn't like me, so why would he want that same person a year from now? but then it is my fault and i feel like i owe him that. i don't know. i feel its my obligation, my duty to wait. and i don't know that i should move on. hard to explain but then, its hard to give up your own mind.
i am lost. i also swore id give up living in my head, fantasizing which is how i lived for so long. id make up worlds and live there. i always imagined this bar where i belonged to the owner and he would let his best friend look out for me but i still clearly was the owners property. but i had friends and was loved and i lived in this. for so so long. before i even met you. now… how long do you hold onto foolish fantasies. i sometimes resent therapy. why should i want to get better? this is what i deserve, this is how it plays out. and if i get "better" then i lose everything i believe in. i lose myself and my voice and my beliefs and the only beauty i find worth while is sadness anyway. i don't know. i miss Ellie, hearing her, thinking i was worthy of her. thinking i could become worthy.
will evan come back? cause i don't know. i keep closing my eyes and seeing him with her. him happy with her. in love with her and i want to die. i dream of dying. is that how this ends up? he with her? never to see me or talk to me again? is that how it ends? or should i wait? i don't understand. in a million lifetimes i doubt i would be able to make sense of that. how one person can be in love and the other not. i think about how i felt about evan and i cant come down you know? it was so long fred. so many years. how could that mean nothing to him. how could he so easily just slide in with someone else. i think about how every day he is making new memories with her, slowly, completely, erasing me and i want to stop breathing. it actually feels as if he is taking my breath and feeding it to her, giving her my own life. does he ever come back? because he promised he would at least come back to be my friend but now i doubt even that. i wanted him to come back to be my husband. does he?
i used to want my career, the third in the trinity of my universe: Marriage, Religion, Career. Now i don't feel i have any. i think so much that when i try to tell people where i am at it takes HOURS to go back and work through the tangle of my own logic i am so trapped in my head.
you keep asking what it was i wanted of you. remember that book the giving tree? i always wanted too much fred. don't ever think i didn't appreciate you. there just wasn't ever enough that i could get from myself so i asked too much of you. i wanted a father, a brother, a best friend, a master, a husband. then you left and i wanted so badly to hear your voice. i still did in my head and i would listen to my bear. and i just wanted a friend. i know now i don't have that right. now i just. and i cry as i write this because i know the defeat already prevalent in the thought so intermixed with the hope i am terrified of. but now. now i just wish for someone to talk to. i still think you are kind and know everything and are all of this good and strength that im not. and that you are smart and understand all that i don't. and i just. i just so so would like to hit sent without. i cant. i don't even. i cant even feign that i have the right to ask or think that. i just hope for a response. and forgiveness. someday. someday. i want you to like me. i mean think im not evil and horrible but to when you think of me think im ok. you know? like. ha. i guess i want you to see me as someone who is ok who wants to prove themselves and would love to be a friend but understands limits and understands consequences. i want you to someday want to ask me a question. let me do something. and yes, for that, i know, i might never be done waiting.
i guess for now i pester you with questions. but, thank you. thank you.
and hey, what are your thoughts on black matter because i have become obsessed and need someone who knows anything!
anyway, thanks.
have a good night and i hope to hear from you soon.
thank you,
lara
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Sun, Dec 5, 2010 11:46 am
just so you know...
ive been working brutal hours the last little while. dont have alot of time except for this short note so this will have to do till I can write again. im not getting many days off and in truth am supposed to be working today but I couldnt do the shift.
also
found your myspace page randomly.... you look good.
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sat, Dec 25, 2010 8:05 pm
ive tried to not overwhelm youwiht too many emails. but today was too hard. do youknow how many Christmas's ive emailed you and known you would never even see what i wrote? do youknow how actually this doesnt even feel like anything because i dont quite bleieve it. haha puts a lot of preassure on what i say here doesnt it? no. i still am wishing that if you get time you answer some of the questions i asked. i have one more. in light of what i just typed... why now? ive been trying to reach you Fred for so so long... so why now did you respond to me? why reply now?
so today is Christmas day. its the first Christmas since my fathe rpassed and my first time back in az since the funeral. its strange here. but mainly strange how nothing has changed. i still drive the same streets but my goodness have the ghosts gotten stronger. i cant even turn a corner, flip a light switch without being overhwlemed by vairous memories. its not fun. last night was hard becuse its the only time of the year when i would actually see my father, he would sing silent night for hours and hours. last night nothing happened. i wrapped all the gifts, stayed up all night and tried to cinvince myself santa would come and give me my wish: evan. thast more what all of this is about. its my first Christmas wihtout him. i had told everyone this Christmas would be when Evan and I made our announcement.
i met a guy and i told him a million times i jsut wanted to be friends and he said that was fien and good and that he would protect me and look after me and not leave. but three weeks later when i didnt want to date him, didnt want to have sex with him, he left me. said i was too crazy.
saw my little cousin cody last night. youknow hes in college now? had my first adult conversation with him. he lectured me! ha. hes a good kid.
Fred... how was your Christmas? what did you spend the day doing? did you attend mass? any special traditions? what was your seccret wish list item from Santa?
i kept thinking if i believed in miracles, Christmas miracles, i could get him back. Santa, God, would fix it. i know it sounds... well i know.
listen i want to ask you something else? did you write teh comments in my livejournal recently? i cant figure out who it was and i really wanted to ask some questions. it didnt really sound like you at all but i am out of other thoughts. anyway. so you saw my myspace? how embarrassing. those photos are.... 2006....nearly 5 years ago. you want to see a current photos? try my facebook. or yea my livejournal. do you still have any of those? does it bother you that i looked? you know i waited years before ever thinking to see if you still have your old ureach email address? i thought i was supposed to.
what should have i done? i dont want evan and i to go the same 6 years without talking that you and i well already have and will continue to have. ive typed the same text message to him 100 times. im scared to send it because if i do and he doesnt respond ill feel worse and he'll hate me more for not letting him have time and for pushing too hard. but if he does respond then ill get too clingy and scare him and be let down myself because ill take it as a sing he wants me again when he doesnt. but if i dont text him. if i let the oppertunity pass... itll be like me with you. ill never talk to him again. im scared with every way. i dont know what to do.
this message got a bit longer than i had intended. i must be driving you crazy.
anyway. i know i have asked you a billion questions here and in my prior email but i really wanted to say thank you. i wanted to say thank you for being the friend to me that you were. i wanted even more to say thank you for being a friend to me now. you talking to me, even limitedly, has meant so much and i wanted to honestly thank you. i am so grateful to have ever known you, for you to have ever considered me a friend. and i am sorry for the things i have done, sorry for the things ihave said and even more sorry for the things i have failed to do. i know that i am not this healthy happy person. i know that i am trying to work through a lot of things that have been around for a long time. and iknow that yo tried to be this amazing friend while i knew you and that i wasnt able to give that back to you. and im sorry. i know im not there yet even though i wish to be and i know that wont be what happens for you wiht me, but, thank you for talking to me. thank you for being my friend years ago. i hope that someday i will be able to do something for you. but, if thats not the case, i hope Santa is able to. Merry Christmas to you, and your entire family.
God Bless, Merry Christmas
and Happy Santa Thoughts
Love,
Lara Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Wed, Dec 29, 2010 5:48 am
happy xmas. mine was spent at work with the stomach flu. not really what I would call good. im still overwhelmed by your last email. I detest long messages and tend to avoid answering them. im trying.. be patient. and why now? cause I needed to finish the healing process and I couldnt without a few other words to you. some of the things ive had to do and see on my journey have been... brutal.. and this has been very hard for me.
I think by now you know what im going to say about evan... but ill say it anyways... its over. hes not coming back. and IF he does talk to you again it will be in a seriously changed role in your life. nothing like what it was. dont know what to tell you about what you can do about the situation. the ball is in his court there is almost nothing you can do to change or influence anything right now. he is encased in rage tho I dont really know why and honestly dont care to find out.. so dont ask.
I have no real special traditions for christmas. mine are more for winter solstice. I am slowly moving to a fully practicing pagan. its taken years but im slowly getting there. and I went singing for solstice. it was a blast. im actualy a fairly good singer now. tho its taken about 6 years.
I had no special items I wanted, no secret gift. all i felt for xmas this year was frustration and anger. both because I had no money this year as my new job pays crap and because I had to work ALL of christmas and ive still got about 60hrs left to work in about 7 days. which isnt so bad, its better than the 80 ive done in the last 7 days.
umm live journal.. no I dont think that was me. only messages on LJ ive sent or received were from amee telling me to talk to you.. and I dont have face book, tho I still have my ureach account tho all its used for anymore is collecting junk email. no it doesnt bother me that you looked. I think the only even remotely recent pic of me online I still had patches. and thats on my msn account.
anyways. im tired and im going to sleep now.
bye for now..
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, Jan 23, 2011 12:59 am
sorry its taken me a long time to respond. wanted to give you time.
sorry Christmas wasn't so good. why are you doing this job if you dont much care for it? i know i am hardly one to talk given my current situation.
this year has started off strangely. a girl in my therapy group committed suicide and its been really hard to dealwith given my predisposition for it. work is crappy for me as well though it doesnt tax me so. mostly the trouble is in my own head. the things i think.. all too much. ive basically cut everyone off, havent spoken to people in months. ive cut everyone out of my life and am left with my roommate, sort of. it doesnt work so well whcih is why i end up so trapped in my own head.
oh fred. there are all of these things iw ish i coudl tell you. just jump right in and spill out. i had a day about a week ago i had just woken up and for an instant. about thirty seconds. i could rememebr what it was liek to be me. before all of this. before the therapy, before the cutting, before my fathers death (one year ago thursday), and before evan left. i didnt know what to do it was so foreign and i was so surprised by it. it faded quickly. i miss having you as a friend. lately ive been missing my friend evan more than the man i was to marry evan. doesnt matter though right?
you didnt tell me what happens to suicides?
its funny. i read your email instantly obviously. then a week later and then a while after that and again tonight. i always plan out such careful responses. but whats so strange is this time... it felt diffrent each time i read it. like it was somehow a different email. anyway.
i am filing my own taxes for the first time this year. haha. should be fun right?
i am thinking of taking a vacation in may. portugal/spain/morocco or croatia/turkey. i dont know. last vacation i took i went to puerto rico adnd it was the worst trip of my life. but what else am i to do? i so desperately want. well. my three goals:
1. marriage
2. religion (which includes getting closer to God, dogs and Ellie/Newport)
3. a career
fred. you know i have to ask. is this how it always is for me? is this how it stays? because right now i cant make it through the day without cutting, without pain so intense i plan my own death. is this how it stays? you said i dont get back with evan and leaving that for a moment... the problem is if that is true i cant imagine ever being with anyone, trusting anyone ever again, i would spend my entire life waiting for them to leave. took me what four years to really get over you... itll take longer with evan for a number of reasons... you must know i wouldnt survive a third time and i dont want to go through that. so please, can you tell me? is this how it always is? is this how it stays? it kinda feels like cheating to ask but God wouldnt dare be so generous and i deserve some chance at dignity. is this how it ends?
its a new year... crazy huh? its ok. everyone hated 2010. seems strange to think that a year could carry bad energy.
first time i read your email i thoguh you were angry with me. didnt feel like that this last time, and im glad.
i kinda realzied something. i am the most materialistic person. but not for matrials. i kinda figure i am like a funnel placed on the ground. i just crave more and more and more security, love because it all just keeps draining out of me. so i never feel fullfilled. im starting to understand how horrible and taxing that is foreveryone around me but havent yet found a solve. im trying. it makes me not understnad what i currenlty have because am so busy trying to find a way to stay afloat, not be completely empty and drained and alone. it doesnt mean i dont appreciate and am grateful and love i just am so scared of it leaving, i so feel the need to cling that...
do you read graphic novels? i am starting to... obsessed with the pirate story from watchmen. his fear created his fear. and the devils hsip had nothing more to do than to wait at shore for him. my fear creates my hole and therefore i cling... so tight i lose things.
thank you for emailing me. i love hearing from you. thank you for telling me about your holiday. id love to know anthing youwant to share.
thank you, Fred,
Lara Ashley
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Mon, Aug 16, 2010 2:47 pm
lara
I have to admit. I am mildly curious as to what you want.
fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
Re: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, Aug 16, 2010 7:07 pm
thank you. the honest truth? not much. i feel old and tired. and scared. its been a long time fred. you must barely remember me. i'm sorry. for a lot. i dont want much. i just wanted to get back in touch. i dont think that's really an option but i wanted to try. im not looking for someone to go grab my morning coffee with just. talking. online. occasionally. ill tell you whats going on and you can decide for yourself. but regardless of where my life is, my wants havent/wont change.
my year has been hard. my father passed. suddenly. havent spoken to my family much since. he had a heart attack. he lied to us for months. he was ill and didnt want us to know. he died alone. i begged God, begged, for just one thing. i didnt care that my father died. i mean i did but that wanst the problem. i just didnt wnat him to be alone. i hope you can understand that.
i was engaged. evan. we were waiting until he finished school. hes about to graduate from ubc with a masters in physics. we were planning a wedding, what to name our kids. he hit me. twice. i couldnt stop crying. he couldnt stop. he broke up with me one month after my father died. two weeks later he met a girl. two weeks after that they moved in together.
i still dont know what i want to do wtih my life. i bought a house. i live with an ex boyfriend who i am great great friends with. he is the sweetest thing. just so nice. clingy but nice.
i'm scared. and i dont trust people. and im confused because i believed all these promises and now they arent true. its nothing that i expect you to answer. maybe you know some great secret that puts you way ahead of the rest of us, definately me, but i dont know.
i trusted you. you were kind. ive missed talking to you for six years. theres not much i could want from you. id like to talk. you want the total one hundred percent truth? id like to know you. you were smarter than i could ever hope to be and things made more sense when you explained them. and i trusted you. i thought i could learn. but now i am old. anad now i am tired. and i just want someone with whom to talk. theres really nothing else i am capable of asking. i hope that request isnt too much. id really like it. and i do so hope you are well. happy birthday. know i have never forgotten. every single year without fail i have wished you a happy birthday and merry christmas. i hope my wishing has somehow helped. i wont pretend to know who you are anymore. its been too long. i wont pretend that you even should remember me. but if youre ever up or bored and have a second. id truly like it.
be well.
lara-ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Tue, Aug 24, 2010 3:10 am
lara
against the advice of pretty much everyone who knows me that ive talked to about you and my own common sense I write this email.
I dont know if I will correspond to you but there is alot that you need to know.
first and formost .. for me anyways.. my ability to see what is going to happen is damned near flawless. I say damned near cause the one flaw makes it a total joke. I can tell you what will happen. I cant tell you even remotely closely when. the events are ALWAYS as I see them. just have no idea when its going to happen. hugely not useful.
I never forgot you. even now 5 years later I rarely go more than a week or two without wondering about you and how your doing. you were a huge part of my life and there was an awful lot about our relationship that we fucked up. im pretty sure you were never the same after our time together and I was not.
you have alot to be sorry for. you did alot of not nice things to me. but that was a 2 way street. when I started fighting back I did alot of not nice things to you. alot. for those I appoligize. I wont appoligize for who I was cause I like who I am now and would not be here if I wasnt there.
your dad died. I gaurantee you he wasnt alone. even if he was physicaly he wasnt alone.
evan is a douche. I knew that when he first contacted me. did not like him but then I didnt like most of the boys you found. they had a habbit of threatening me and that is damned irritating. FYI I won several medals for hand to hand combat. I am very lethal (if currently fat and out of shape) now.
you always viewed me as good and nice. I was not. I was a complete douche bag and in terms you will understand I was a complete black magician. full of hatred and anger and the desire to hurt people. took me a very long time to get away from that. im actualy still working on getting away from that.
im surprised you contacted amee to find me. she hasnt talked to me in an even longer time than you.
I got disowned by my family. un inherited, the whole nine yards. cant say I care that much now. hurt like hell when it happened tho.
as for you knowing me. even if we do write occasionaly, I will never allow you close enough to me to know me well. I dont trust easily any more.
I am sorry for the things that happened between us. There was alot that happened that never should have. some you made happen. some I did. you were a huge part of my life and I loved you intensly. in a fashion I still do. you evoked great passion in me. you were like gasoline to a flame. I dont accuse you of anything. just stating. I made my peace with that and a whole host of other issues. I am not healed yet. there are still some things that I need to root out and fix. I am attempting to.. not become pure, but wise. I know that is a life long journey, I know I may never reach it in my life time. I know that some of the experiences we shared have helped others resolve issues in their lives and made it better for them. I will never have children. my only hope of leaving a legacy is teaching people to think and view things in a different and hopefully better way.
I have learned that I am nothing special. which I have to admit drives the question of why you think I am. I see things in a different way than most. that does not make me unique or special. And even if I didnt understand what I was explaining I can phrase things in a way that make people who just told me the problem understand it. its a weird knack but not a gift or anything special. I hurt alot of people in my life. I have helped alot as well.
patches passed on. but you had to have expected that. she did make it to 19 yrs old tho.
like I said before. I dont know if I will write again. but this email needed to be written. dont know if you needed to hear it or I needed to say it. either way. I dont regret my time with you. my memories of that time are still very vivid. everything, from the physical through the religious and metaphysical. the quiet special times when you slept on the phone and I just listened to you breathe and the violent arguments and fights.
well, if this email made no sense I tried to articulate the things that needed to be said. I do have a bad habit of not being able to express what im thinking very clearly. but here is a quote from a song that I try to incorperate into my life. "my path is set, I live with no regrets...." you probably dont want the rest of the quote.
fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Thu, Sep 2, 2010 7:31 pm
Attachment
start.doc
for someone who only wanted to talk you might wonder why it has taken me such a time to respond to an email. its easy. i got the only thing i wanted. so i waited. i didnt know what to do. you see its easy to want something. and oh how i wanted to talk to you. more than you can understand. since reading your email i have asked everyone know if it is ever truly possible to be content, to be satisfied. everyone, without exception, said that once you got what you wanted, you could only ever want more. i dont believe them. i guess by writing this i am proving them right. i was so-ok. i actually was ok. for the first time in years i felt ok. i didnt need anything else. i went through tunnels and saw stars but didnt have a wish. i couldnt possibly ask for more than this and had nothing else to want. the truth is nothing. it was enough.
that said theres a voice in my head that makes me scared. like what if i could have talked to you and i missed it? or worse yet what if i write this email and you never respond?
ill move on.
ive though often of what i would say. my bike rides around the beach and under the bridges, i write out every line-i assure you they all sounded better than this... i guess i wanted to start with saying. thank you. thank you for reading, that you for writing me. i am surprised you asked people. ive kept such secrets. such secrets. id never be brave enough to admit to anyone that i had tried to reach you. fear youd never read it. i didnt think it would be such a decision for you. i dont know why you dont trust people and wont be arrogant enough to guess. i dont expect you to trust me but i wish i could earn it. theres no way for me to hurt you now. you are married and happy and i miles away and weak. and couldnt. ever. after six year youd think id have shown im not out for maliciousness. no anger can last that long.
you were right. i was never the same. i dont know how to explain it other than the way i have tried for years to anyone i trusted (two people). years later, after we stopped talking, i saw a picture of you. this must have been 2 years ago. it was a current photo and i knew you were ok. i wroked at an art museum them and there was snow around the city. and i was beyond. i walked through the city, through the buildings with the people hurrying ut of the snw and i wasnt there. it was as if everyone existed in this plane and i, i was just watching. it was as if my universe was another dimension, another and it was so beautiful. and i was so excited. id say that was my first doubt about things with evan but id be lying. i was never same after you. never. i never felt the same about anyone. friends, family, anything. and i couldnt be the same person.it was as though everything i had was left with you, with, with everything. buried out in the forest and me now? nothing. its like im some hollow shell. people all look at me the same way. everyone things i am so pretty, so innocent, so hurt. its true. kinda. if you knew the things i had done. if you knew what i did. im far from innocent. i hold on to these precious beliefs in such a way to cripple myself. ill stay "pure" till im married for whatever that means. its a lie. the same lie ive told for half a decade. its all lies. everyone thinks all these things of me and so much so that i grew into what they wanted, what they expected and now i am so lost. to say im not the same doesnt do it justice. i lost myself. more than that i lost the right to be alive. im not anymore. i cant feel. anything. i feel fear i guess. id say betrayal with evan but its more just anger. i feel sadness i suppose. to the effect that the only thin i believe in is the truth and beauty of loss. i write now. a bit. the only line ive ever written that i like i dont have a place for yet but it goes "the only thing beautiful about her was the absence" or something. its my only truth. nothing is good, nothing is pure but love and love is only through tragedy right? what is more beautiful than sorrow? i was never the same. i made myself flinch when guys came close, make them think i was hurt. i just didnt like being touched. i just didnt like them ever asking questions.
im frightened to write too much. but there is so much i want to ask/tell you. i have no write but i will ask anyway because i have to try. could we talk? could i write you and know you will write me? daniel says i can be explained by the fact that i have never felt safe in my entire life. its the only true thing that he has ever said. i wait everyday for someone else to leave me. every day. that is the worst part about what happened with evan. if someday i do fall in love and get married i will wake up each morning expecting to find the bed empty. i'll never sleep through the night. i meant what i said, about being complete but i want so badly to have something to believe in, i want so badly for that to be you. i think of it like a spy who is caught and put in a cell. he can spend his entire life just wanting to see a photo and then one day a letter arrives and his wants have suffered with him so long in that dirt room he is content, knowing the person in the photo is married, is happy, is enough. how could you possibly want to be happy yourself whne you are lucky neough to be ok now? i sound insane.
im sorry evan threatened you. he was supposed to ask if you would walk me down the aisle. you were always the only one who ever protected me. even while my father was alive he was never. never.
i dont know you anymore and can only speak for what i thought i knew but you were good. in my mind. you were nice and kind and honest and caring. im sorry. i dont know any other version of you. until you disapeared and even then i knew it was all my fault. that i didnt give you a choice. i mean i didnt want that but i caused it. it was all my fault. but you were never anything but. i didnt know the evil you mention.
im sorry you wont have kids. i always feel guilty for not wanting any when i know so many who would.
and as for Patches. please know i loved her. so much. i have birthday gifts for her. that i. i didnt know how to giivee to herr.
and i believe you i guess about the being special. none of us are. not really. i mean i know what i am, what i am worth and i know how little that is. but. to me. you were. you were everything. my entire life is buried out there in that forest because my entire life will always only ever be the years in which i knew you. ive made my peace with that but i still believe its everyones choice. i dont expect to be anything but i know to certain people i will always mean more than i should, more than i am worth. its a weird responsibility. i know i dont deserve it. i dont know.
when i first thought of writing you i thought i could be nice and do it the way our work messges are done where they give like the most important blips at top and then if someone wants to read more they can keep reading and the bottom witll have all this explination and history and everything that gets lost. i still want to. i know its like what else have i been rambling about if not all that right? but its me and i live in my own head. too much. may i ask you some questions?
who: who am i? am i evil?
what: can you tell me what i should do with my life? what career i should go into?
when: did you know? did you know about evan and what would happen? the way he would hurt me? did you know? and more importantly. is this how will always be? will i get married? will i ever be in love and feel safe or is that over?
how: how can i get it back, Fred, how can i get back to who i was. i dont know if i ever told you this or not but sometimes i hear music. i dont know where it comes from but i used to hear it and i miss it. i used to think the trees could hear me and i used to believe in God and love and... now its not like that. now i am old. now i am tired.
years ago you told me once that if anything were to happen to me you would know. is that still true? i always wondered. its funny, Fred, i have written you hundreds of letters. all of them are partially to myself. now i dont know how to write one to you, the real actual you. im sorry.
ive been wanting so much to talk to someone about these thoughts in my head but no one seems much interested. ill put them down. maybe you will be.
i watched this move, revolver, same guy as snatch, and the whole premise is that your greatest enemy is actually yourself. it falls on this old belief that the devil is your ego. that the devil is so smart that he actually found a way to make you trust him, and that is by being your voice. i have to admit i find this fascinating. evidently it is jewish mysticism. who knows. i keep thinking about it. and it makes sense. mroe and more people believe in God but less and less in the devil which in and of itself is frightening. i wonder about how. if the devil was able to do this whn we ate the apple. if we invited him into our boddies then. and now he lurks in our minds. the thing baout the theory is that i dont see how it allows for love. it seems to not provide for that. i also think about people near death experiences and about how they dont seem to have this and i wonder if the devil leaves the person because the person comes cloes to God and knows better than the devil at that point.
i wonder too about happiness. if its ok to admit defeat. to accept that one may not be happy ever and to be ok with that. i wonder if its possible to be ok with knowing he will just only ever be ok.
i read thsi story recently that has kept me up at night. it is this story of a mass grave site from 1861. everyone around knows about it. it is said to hold the bodies of irish rail road workers who died of cholera. it was recently discoverd however that everyone in there died of a traumatic injury. like a bullet. i wonder about it. about something that has been a secret for nearly 200 years. why were they hiding it. what were they hiding. so long. so long the secret was held. so long that the secret, the lie became truth. so long.
i didnt know, i mean, i dont even know what you do now. tangentially iknow the rules i suppose. dont ask questions. dont ask for things that would require you trusting me. dont ask for confirmation of past feelings, past words. i know the rules. and ill follow them. i dont mind rules. i want to know you. i already said that. id make any promise you asked. but ill follow the rules. ill take whatever you are willing to give. and ill be grateful. i want to talk. i miss talking to you. i just miss talking to someone who understands me. i mean not that you neccessarily would anymore but. i dont know. i miss talking wihtout editing.
the attachment: i wrote a story i thought you might enjoy reading. i took a fiction class and rather liked this one. i didnt know. remember the first time i wrote jules? i sent him rain. it was important to me at the time. this isnt really the same. i just. thought you might like it.
tell me how. tell me when and where and i will do it. i would like to talk to you. i dont need mountains. id like to know you stopped but i dont need that either. to be honest, i got what i needed for my life when you responded. everything now is me being greedy. i miss talking to you. im not trying to hurt you, i wouldnt know how, i couldnt possibly. im not trying ot mkae your life complicated, in fact im trying to decomplicate my head. there are so many things Fred that i wnat to say to you, so many things i want to share with you. i can only hope 6 years was long enough to wait. i wont pretend that i deserve this. that you have forgiven me. but please. id like to talk. ill hope to hear from you soon. i dont think i have ever been so nervous to press send in my life .and ive applied to grad school more times than i care to admit. i just worry something i said was wrong. something wasnt enough or was too much or i should have shut up a million times. i am purposefully not editing this as i actually do want you to understand that i have no ill intent that there is no hidden motive. that i am this nervous and this floundering and this hopeful and this scared and just wanting to talk. because i miss it. id really love to hear from you.
thank you for even listening. thank you.
lara-ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Fri, Sep 24, 2010 1:58 pm
Hi
this is going to be probably shorter than you want from me.
I have taken a long time to consider if this is really the best option for either of us. all I can see is pain. you had to know that I wasnt going to call. inspite of everything I think that would be a very very bad move. if you want to communicate with me you will have to be content with the odd email. as for your questions.. I will deal with them later. i wont answer them or attemt to answer them as I dont think I can answer them all, until I learn something from you.
this is something that really has been running through my mind for ages and not just recently. I have been wondering why I am so important to you, why now, when I was with you I never felt like you thought I was important. when we dated you railed against me the entire time. so what changed to make me important now? (dont take this as criticism, its not, its just bewilderment) maybe I missunderstood what you thought of me, but im still curious.
I will tell you this tho, in no way has my ability to sense and or feel you gone away. I just do my best to ignore it and it becomes a hum in the back of my head I can put out of my mind. I cant figure out for the life of me how to turn it off.
anyways. ive got things to do.
bye
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Mon, Sep 27, 2010 7:59 pm
I write this far sooner than I should because I need to ask something of you. Thursday is my birthday, the 30th. I admit I am frightened for it, if you can truly feel me you understand where I'm going. If you have a moment, I know I am taking up much of your time, but, would you email me? That is why I have responded faster than I ought.
In truth, I have thought of your question for ages myself, Did you know that the word aeon and eon are linked together in the dictionary and yet mean very different things? I have been thinking of your question for a long time.
I feel like I am going to let you down with my answer because, in truth, I have little to offer. I wish there was some grand explanation that could make it better but I lack that. I can almost tell you that it didn't matter if it were you or Justin or Evan or anyone else, that at that time in my life 11700-wow um... my father died almost 10 years to the day (11910)! after- but um, it didn't matter, it couldn't have mattered. I simply didnt know enough, i didnt have anyway to deal with anything i was feeling. i couldn't have possibly put you where you belonged in my life. i didnt have the tools i needed to make sense of the world yet, i didn't know anything. have you ever met someone and thought that you could love that person but it simply wasn't the right time? i guess its almost like that. i had to figure out who i was, i had to know what it was like on my own because i didnt know who i was and i didnt know how to answer any questions. ive thought that a lot. i also, somewhere in my mind, have answered the question differently. at times i have speculated that it was because at the time i needed something very different from you than what we had. i needed either a friend or a father and neither were fair to you. in short, i dont have a good answer. the truest answer might the one i am most frightened of (always a clear indication right). evan felt the same with me: like i wasn't there when we were together and whenever he would leave i would need him. perhaps i simply take things for granted but then why would i be thinking of you still all this time later. or maybe i was scared, scared of things working and me missing something or scared of things not working and me being to blame. my guess is that it was a number of things. i know that i am not good, that i am, well, i know. but for the past six years i have thought of you daily, daily. in my life i regard little as worse or more painful or more of a regret than not figuring out a way to be kept as your slave even if you no longer liked me for anything else. it has taken me a long time to understand this but ill do my best to explain, succinctly. did you know that cows or sheep (cant remember which) feel intense panic before they Think they are going to die but that squeezing them can be reassuring/calming and that that is why some places will have such tight hallways for them to walk down? do you remember ages ago telling me that when you are angry the best thing to do is hug you? for me too in some ways. i feel safer bound, restricted. i think, and i hate this, but i think that maybe i wanted to push against you because i was a foolish and stupid girl and i wanted to feel some safety of boundaries. i wanted you to chase me down, to confine me. i. i wanted to feel safer.
like i said, i wish i had a better answer, something that would in some way be the right thing to say. you deserve a better answer than i have to offer.
i know why i have spent the past six years writing you emails only twice a year. i was scared of your saying no. i was scared if i tried too hard youd hate me even more. but i couldnt handle the thought of you forgetting i ever existed. perhaps it is my fault you still can sense me. there have been so many nights i have asked for help from stars or wind to help carry my voice when i call to you. i, i was selfish. i didnt, i couldnt think that you were trying to not hear me. i didnt know you were trying to tune it out. i thought if i only did it sporadically, maybe it woudl still have some meaning. i didnt want to be ungrateful, to ask too much. but, i already had, long ago.
i'd say i'm sorry for taking your time but, i love it. i mean i dont want to be a bother, i dont want to get in the way of you doing the things you need to do but i am so grateful to even know you remember me. i feared for so long that something could have happened to you and i would have no way to know. i plan plane trips wondering how you would know if i died. i worried so that something could have happened to you and i am not like, i dont know how to sense people and i think you would have stopped me from doing so long ago if it even had been something i could do. i am so relieved and happy to even just know you are ok.i hate the way you must feel about me and i cannot begin to apologize enough.
and yes, i know it will bring pain. but you're smart enough to know i am already bringing myself pain and this, and this waiting for the odd email from you, this i why it is only pain and nothing worse that i am bringing myself.
i'm sorry i didnt do more, that i didnt say enough how grateful i was to have been friends with you. i should have. i should have done much. i can't change that, though i want it. but, please, know that for six years someone out there has been grateful for you. that should mean something to you. please, dont let my foolishness, my childishness ever, ever make you question yourself, it was only me, it was only ever my lacking. and i'm sorry. please know i was wrong and that i am sorry and that you did and do deserve far better. i'm sorry. and thank you.
thank you,
Lara-Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Thu, Sep 30, 2010 3:08 pm
your lucky I checked my email. I usualy dont when im working as I now work over nights and work a minimum of 10 hours, usualy 14 and dont bother with much else excpet work and sleep when im actualy onshift.
happy birthday
and you are right, you wanted far different things from me than I could give you. to this day I still dont know what you actualy wanted from me. all I know is that alot of your theorys on how i feel about you are wrong. I dont hate you, I never did. I just couldnt be with you. as well, I had alot of expectations of you that you just couldnt live up to. which is my fault. but, that being neither here nor there, I hope you have a good birthday and that things are working out for you. and fyi, I can feel your anxiety and fear but have not the slightest idea what is causing it. I can sometimes find that out but that requires more effort than I have the energy for. it was extremely taxing for me to find out information on you that way.
you are perfectly capable of doing many of the same things I can you just never bothered looking outside enough to try.
I dont know how to respond to alot of what youve said. most of it makes a weird kind of sense. i always had the sense that you wanted me to .. I dont know.. be more forceful I guess. and thats actualy in my personality, the problem is that my emotions usualy run high when im like that and I cant control my rages. its why I am one of the calmest people around. now. took alot of work to get here. altho you were one of the only people who could actualy set me off and make me lose my temper. guess thats something.
and no matter what you say, alot of the way that things happened between us made me doubt me. everything from my self image to my being attractive to females. whatever. im over most of it now. I do have a fairly resilient personality now. the only constant in my life has been change so I just adapted to it. wooo. welcome to the lara and fred 12 step program *sigh* I guess this is theraputic actualy talking about the shit that happened between us. im not going to deny that I resented you. but I never did hate you. I loved you too much for that. I did dislike alot of the things that happened. and how they made me feel but I never disliked you.
anyways, im going to go shower and what not for the day. ironicaly you and one of my new friends share your birthday.
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Fri, Oct 1, 2010 10:46 am
1. Thank you. Just thank you.
Yesterday was as hard as i thought it would be, in fact i'm not in such a great place write now and forgive me but that is in part why i needed to write you. i just cant get past everything with evan. he didnt even bother to phone me on my birthday. i called him this morning and he pressed ignore on his phone and texted me that he would email me. which he did:
"Hey Lara,
I know we aren't doing great right now, but I hope this finds you well and I hope your birthday is fun. Have a great day; eat some cake. My present won't get there today, but it'll get there soon. I hope this year is better for you."
so now i am fighting a strong desire to hurt him. very strong desire. i know how that sounds. especially to someone like you who is way beyond that but it just doesnt seem fair you know? i hate hurting this much and i just cant do it anymore. i hate this. i need it to stop. ill try to not waste your time with those feelings though.
after i sent my prior email to you i went back and read my journal looking for the time when you and i stopped talking to see if i could better answer your last question and well... ready for step 2 of our 12? fred, there was a lot of bad stuff. our last conversations were us fighting or phone sex. neither what i wanted from you. was hard reading that. you would say youd call and never would. when you would call i would attack you and hurt you.
i did see somethings though. take it for what you will. fred... this will sound like a cop out but, i really never knew better. i took you for granted because i honestly thought that what you and i had was normal. i really had no way to know it wasnt. i know that sounds foolish and it was. it was terribly foolish but its true. i thought all relationships were like ours. i just thought it was usual.
i was repulsed by reading back my old entries. i was the most self centered little spoilt brat that ever was which seems weird in some ways because i feel like i used to care so much more. i hated myself reading those back. i was embarrassed, ashamed to even... yea. im sorry. for who i was. i dont know how you bothered with me at all. i am truly sorry.
but. for the good. reading the entries i know EXACTLY when i realized i wouldnt be hearing from you again. i can HEAR the change in myself: my tone, my cadence, even what i write. youre right, i was never the same.
thank you for checking your email. thank you for wishing me a good birthday. will you tell me about you? what work are you doing now? how did you meet your wife? when i met evan i knew, in that instant i knew id marry him. i dont know how things got so fucked up. im not strong enough to deal with it, and i dont want to. how was it different for you. how did it feel? i feel myself jumping, im sorry. i lack many friends-trust issues and well lara issues and tend to jump quickly to caring and talking when i dont have the right. i appologize. you just cant know how long ive wnated to talk to you. i graduated in 2006. did you know? i thought of that day. my super old journal:
"the real hurt is fred though. and even with everything else going on, with evan, with jim, with everything.... its still fred. its still that i need him to be there. i feel like this is a waste if he isnt there. i mean whats the point if i cant see him, see his face smile when i walk across the stage. to see him be proud of me. i mean other people want their parents and this is the same thing. fred raised me. none of this matters if he isnt there. its like i did this for him, we did this together ad hes not here. it feels hollow. its a type of hollow, emptiness that shouldnt accompany graduation but yet here it is. taken over. it hurts so bad to even think about being in graduation and knowing that i could scan the whole stadium and not see him. whats the point? graduation, school, everything was for him, and he doesnt even know. i want so badly to be able to send him a graduatiion announcement. even more i want to be able to send him an invitiation to my BFA show... i cant imagine any of this happeing with out him. its like it wont have happened. itll be like i watched it on tv. it cant meananything. and it cant be happening without him. cause its not reality in some ways. im not as alive when im not with him. i want him to be proud of me. i want to make him proud. and i wish i could see his smile, a smile because hes proud of what ive accomplished. i wish i could run up to him after the ceremony. to hug him. to say thank you to him. i want t osee his eyes. i already can too. i can imagine it so clearly its more real than memories to me. seeing him that day. how the sun looks on his hair. even how hes a little burnt. and i hear my self later that night trying to articulate how i feel about being doen with school. and i can feel him listening. ~feel~ him listening even though he doesnt say a word. and i just that whole day i feel glowing because i know hes proud of me. and that give all of this merit. it adds value to the four years. i feel like hagel or marx attempting to add value to these things but its how i feel. i jsut i could send him an announcement. i wish he could know. i wish he wanted to know. maybe the real problem isnt that everyone else is overlooking this momentus occasionbut that i am. because without fred theres nothing to see."
im sure you are crazy busy but let me know if you ever get time to read the story i sent you. you know whats weird? its my first birthday without my father and yet i caught myself asking questions as though i wasnt sure if he was dead before my last one. in some ways i feel so old.
and fred, i could never do what you can. ive died too many times. i dont understand living enough to feel anything, anyone. i cant even feel myself. im sorry you have to feel my anxiety. i wont tell you what its from so you wont have to feel that too. im sorry for the weight.
Lara Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Wed, Nov 3, 2010 2:21 pm
Hi Lara
Sorry evan was a douche. and yes, I have more than strong desires to hurt specific people. it happens. I have to be really careful with it as I can go to jail for it now.
Yes, our relationship was severely fucked up. there is no other way to honestly look at it. and if you want to know I stayed in it and with you for so long because I loved you. completely. I know when I got to the point that I knew I had to leave. I changed that day. better or worse who knows, but I changed. im not going to make excuses for the things that happened. hell I doubt I could rationalize them now anyways. but they did happen and it will always be there. I do know that at the end I felt that it did not matter what I did that I was going to get yelled at. it was depressing and I just tried to have as much fun as I could..(totaly non sexual reference here, dont take it that way)
as for me, im currently working as a security guard. trying to get on at canada post. I met my wife at a bar the night I lost everything. litteraly. my girlfriend at the time dumped me, kicked me out, lost my job, and even my favorite hang out place. it was a disaster. that was when I met lisa. *shrug* im not going into alot of detail into my life as I really have no desire to talk about it. patches passed on, im sure you knew. she made it to 19 tho and that was a damned good run.
I have not read the story yet. I will, but I think I was sick for the last little while (3 weeks or so) and its kinda sad that I cant really honestly say I knew I was sick cause I just hurt like hell and was chronicaly tired. I figured it was just from work.
writing emails is hard for me, I never was much of a talker.
you know, I never really did know what it was you wanted from me? you treated me like a boyfriend, and in alot of ways we were dating. but even when we were officialy dating you detested the physical aspects and the sexuality.
anyways, I work overnights now and I have to start getting ready for work, getting lunch made and what not.
be well lara
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, Nov 14, 2010 12:30 am
i'm sorry you were sick. i am too right now. i have bronchial pneumonia. at first, my work, wasn't going to even let me take a half day after working seven days in a row with it running fevers each day. finally they let me have a day off and now i'm on my weekend… finally. i feel like hell. of coarse, me sitting around (lying around) is just giving me time to get lost in my own head which isn't any better. for me.
things are pretty much the same. the holidays are approaching and i don't really know what to do. thanksgiving for the past five years i have spent with evans family. somewhere in the back of my mind i am holding onto this idiotic hope that he will show up on my door and say he still wanted me to come with him to the dinner. i know how that must sound. Christmas is easier in some ways. it doesn't matter in the same way. i have Christmas day off but will work the day before and after. last year i went home for 24 hours. last 24 hours i saw my father. how can i not go home this year right? but then my mother sent me an email a week ago (that i have yet to respond to) saying that she may skip having Christmas at the house this year. she has spent thousands of dollars redecorating it. i haven't been back since the funeral. january. i hate how much money she is spending but i guess it is just an annoyance. she set up a scholarship in ohio in my fathers name. doesn't even seem real to me.
i somehow started a bad habit, an extension of what i used to do with digging my finger nails into my arm, vie started cutting. its oddly addicting and a huge release. it got me into free therapy for um… dpt? dialectic personality? i don't know some form of borderline personality. basically, in my view, some excuse with a fancy name for why i keep messing things up that basically just means someone who is depressed. i had my first session today. i asked her what success for her patients looked like. she said almost all stopped self harm behaviors after a year. i laughed. i asked why that would be considered success. who cares if i'm cutting myself? who cares if i am managing the thoughts better, the emotions better, so that i can not jump to that?! the point is i still have fucked up my life enough that my brain is thinking that is a better option. i mean success would mean people BEING successful. being married. having a career. being with God. who cares if they are cutting themselves.
i made myself write a song. well half a song. it was at the least a creation instead of a destruction which i thought good. haha want the first part? humor me now:
In the night,
In the dark,
the sky falls to the dirt.
In the night,
in the dark,
the stars give in to hurt.
I remember when you passed me by
and I could look you down to stay;
but those were the nights of promise
and my words were never meant the same.
eh... poetry wasnt a strength but then neither was singing. ive tried for writing though. and speaking of, i have been devouring books including a horrid book called "scent of danger"about a beagle who is trained to smell out poisoned mice. yes, it was that awful.
i have to ask you something which i recognize will sound foolish. but. why didn't you let me run away to you. i know i know. it was years past. but i meant it a decade ago when i said that even if you were with someone else i would want to be your slave. probably strange to imagine. but. you were the only time in my life i felt safe and i believed you when you offered it. and yes, it would have been horrendously painful but, still, better.
i cant ever tell you enough how sorry i am for hurting you. i think about it daily.
its why it takes me a while to respond to you. i am always so happy, so surprised, so elated to hear from you, after everything, after all the time, after all feelings and emotions and, things i hope you'll never know. i just want to savor it. to keep thinking, knowing that i have something from you in my mailbox. i don't want to ruin that by replying. if i reply then yours is no longer there and i get scared all over again that its the end, that i will never hear from you again in my life. i wrote in my journal that i had waited years, nearly six years, to hear from you but i know its nothing compared to how long i will wait. and im always scared that it will start again the second i hit send. its not just you. i will wait forever for so many things, its what i deserve, its what i created but its so hard.
what happens fred to those who commit suicide? my father basically did that you know. what happens to them fred?
do you enjoy what you do now? i can easily see you in security, i was surprised to hear you'd want to work at the border.
i have a book for you-the art of racing in the rain.
two weeks ago i went to california with ryburn. you remember him, yes? hadn't seem him for a while and desperately wanted an escape. in some ways fred he has turned out to be a good man. he just is looking so hard for something that he grabs on to anything he sees no matter how bad it is. i also saw dave, from high school yearbook, you wouldn't have reason to remember him but it had been close to 9 years since i had seen or spoke to him. met his girlfriend too. funny how people change and stay the same all at once.
its been a while fred. would you be willing to answer any of my questions from before?
who: who am i? am i evil?
what: can you tell me what i should do with my life? what career i should go into?
when: did you know? did you know about evan and what would happen? the way he would hurt me? did you know? and more importantly. is this how it will always be? will i get married? will i ever be in love and feel safe or is that over? i consider success in love and married to the man i love that loves me. do i still have that future?
how: how can i get it back, Fred, how can i get back to who i was. dont know if i ever told you this or not but sometimes i hear music. i dont know where it comes from but i used to hear it and i miss it. i used to think the trees could hear me and i used to believe in God and love.
where: where am i supposed to be right now? i gave up much in case i haven't said that. i made an agreement with myself, a pact. i wouldn't make any new friends, wouldn't go out on a single date, wouldn't move on with my life in anyway because i felt it was my duty to wait for evan. but then i think about it and i don't know. i mean he left me because he didn't like me, so why would he want that same person a year from now? but then it is my fault and i feel like i owe him that. i don't know. i feel its my obligation, my duty to wait. and i don't know that i should move on. hard to explain but then, its hard to give up your own mind.
i am lost. i also swore id give up living in my head, fantasizing which is how i lived for so long. id make up worlds and live there. i always imagined this bar where i belonged to the owner and he would let his best friend look out for me but i still clearly was the owners property. but i had friends and was loved and i lived in this. for so so long. before i even met you. now… how long do you hold onto foolish fantasies. i sometimes resent therapy. why should i want to get better? this is what i deserve, this is how it plays out. and if i get "better" then i lose everything i believe in. i lose myself and my voice and my beliefs and the only beauty i find worth while is sadness anyway. i don't know. i miss Ellie, hearing her, thinking i was worthy of her. thinking i could become worthy.
will evan come back? cause i don't know. i keep closing my eyes and seeing him with her. him happy with her. in love with her and i want to die. i dream of dying. is that how this ends up? he with her? never to see me or talk to me again? is that how it ends? or should i wait? i don't understand. in a million lifetimes i doubt i would be able to make sense of that. how one person can be in love and the other not. i think about how i felt about evan and i cant come down you know? it was so long fred. so many years. how could that mean nothing to him. how could he so easily just slide in with someone else. i think about how every day he is making new memories with her, slowly, completely, erasing me and i want to stop breathing. it actually feels as if he is taking my breath and feeding it to her, giving her my own life. does he ever come back? because he promised he would at least come back to be my friend but now i doubt even that. i wanted him to come back to be my husband. does he?
i used to want my career, the third in the trinity of my universe: Marriage, Religion, Career. Now i don't feel i have any. i think so much that when i try to tell people where i am at it takes HOURS to go back and work through the tangle of my own logic i am so trapped in my head.
you keep asking what it was i wanted of you. remember that book the giving tree? i always wanted too much fred. don't ever think i didn't appreciate you. there just wasn't ever enough that i could get from myself so i asked too much of you. i wanted a father, a brother, a best friend, a master, a husband. then you left and i wanted so badly to hear your voice. i still did in my head and i would listen to my bear. and i just wanted a friend. i know now i don't have that right. now i just. and i cry as i write this because i know the defeat already prevalent in the thought so intermixed with the hope i am terrified of. but now. now i just wish for someone to talk to. i still think you are kind and know everything and are all of this good and strength that im not. and that you are smart and understand all that i don't. and i just. i just so so would like to hit sent without. i cant. i don't even. i cant even feign that i have the right to ask or think that. i just hope for a response. and forgiveness. someday. someday. i want you to like me. i mean think im not evil and horrible but to when you think of me think im ok. you know? like. ha. i guess i want you to see me as someone who is ok who wants to prove themselves and would love to be a friend but understands limits and understands consequences. i want you to someday want to ask me a question. let me do something. and yes, for that, i know, i might never be done waiting.
i guess for now i pester you with questions. but, thank you. thank you.
and hey, what are your thoughts on black matter because i have become obsessed and need someone who knows anything!
anyway, thanks.
have a good night and i hope to hear from you soon.
thank you,
lara
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Sun, Dec 5, 2010 11:46 am
just so you know...
ive been working brutal hours the last little while. dont have alot of time except for this short note so this will have to do till I can write again. im not getting many days off and in truth am supposed to be working today but I couldnt do the shift.
also
found your myspace page randomly.... you look good.
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sat, Dec 25, 2010 8:05 pm
ive tried to not overwhelm youwiht too many emails. but today was too hard. do youknow how many Christmas's ive emailed you and known you would never even see what i wrote? do youknow how actually this doesnt even feel like anything because i dont quite bleieve it. haha puts a lot of preassure on what i say here doesnt it? no. i still am wishing that if you get time you answer some of the questions i asked. i have one more. in light of what i just typed... why now? ive been trying to reach you Fred for so so long... so why now did you respond to me? why reply now?
so today is Christmas day. its the first Christmas since my fathe rpassed and my first time back in az since the funeral. its strange here. but mainly strange how nothing has changed. i still drive the same streets but my goodness have the ghosts gotten stronger. i cant even turn a corner, flip a light switch without being overhwlemed by vairous memories. its not fun. last night was hard becuse its the only time of the year when i would actually see my father, he would sing silent night for hours and hours. last night nothing happened. i wrapped all the gifts, stayed up all night and tried to cinvince myself santa would come and give me my wish: evan. thast more what all of this is about. its my first Christmas wihtout him. i had told everyone this Christmas would be when Evan and I made our announcement.
i met a guy and i told him a million times i jsut wanted to be friends and he said that was fien and good and that he would protect me and look after me and not leave. but three weeks later when i didnt want to date him, didnt want to have sex with him, he left me. said i was too crazy.
saw my little cousin cody last night. youknow hes in college now? had my first adult conversation with him. he lectured me! ha. hes a good kid.
Fred... how was your Christmas? what did you spend the day doing? did you attend mass? any special traditions? what was your seccret wish list item from Santa?
i kept thinking if i believed in miracles, Christmas miracles, i could get him back. Santa, God, would fix it. i know it sounds... well i know.
listen i want to ask you something else? did you write teh comments in my livejournal recently? i cant figure out who it was and i really wanted to ask some questions. it didnt really sound like you at all but i am out of other thoughts. anyway. so you saw my myspace? how embarrassing. those photos are.... 2006....nearly 5 years ago. you want to see a current photos? try my facebook. or yea my livejournal. do you still have any of those? does it bother you that i looked? you know i waited years before ever thinking to see if you still have your old ureach email address? i thought i was supposed to.
what should have i done? i dont want evan and i to go the same 6 years without talking that you and i well already have and will continue to have. ive typed the same text message to him 100 times. im scared to send it because if i do and he doesnt respond ill feel worse and he'll hate me more for not letting him have time and for pushing too hard. but if he does respond then ill get too clingy and scare him and be let down myself because ill take it as a sing he wants me again when he doesnt. but if i dont text him. if i let the oppertunity pass... itll be like me with you. ill never talk to him again. im scared with every way. i dont know what to do.
this message got a bit longer than i had intended. i must be driving you crazy.
anyway. i know i have asked you a billion questions here and in my prior email but i really wanted to say thank you. i wanted to say thank you for being the friend to me that you were. i wanted even more to say thank you for being a friend to me now. you talking to me, even limitedly, has meant so much and i wanted to honestly thank you. i am so grateful to have ever known you, for you to have ever considered me a friend. and i am sorry for the things i have done, sorry for the things ihave said and even more sorry for the things i have failed to do. i know that i am not this healthy happy person. i know that i am trying to work through a lot of things that have been around for a long time. and iknow that yo tried to be this amazing friend while i knew you and that i wasnt able to give that back to you. and im sorry. i know im not there yet even though i wish to be and i know that wont be what happens for you wiht me, but, thank you for talking to me. thank you for being my friend years ago. i hope that someday i will be able to do something for you. but, if thats not the case, i hope Santa is able to. Merry Christmas to you, and your entire family.
God Bless, Merry Christmas
and Happy Santa Thoughts
Love,
Lara Ashley
RE: (no subject)
From: Serenity Smiles
To: sunrays118@aol.com
Date: Wed, Dec 29, 2010 5:48 am
happy xmas. mine was spent at work with the stomach flu. not really what I would call good. im still overwhelmed by your last email. I detest long messages and tend to avoid answering them. im trying.. be patient. and why now? cause I needed to finish the healing process and I couldnt without a few other words to you. some of the things ive had to do and see on my journey have been... brutal.. and this has been very hard for me.
I think by now you know what im going to say about evan... but ill say it anyways... its over. hes not coming back. and IF he does talk to you again it will be in a seriously changed role in your life. nothing like what it was. dont know what to tell you about what you can do about the situation. the ball is in his court there is almost nothing you can do to change or influence anything right now. he is encased in rage tho I dont really know why and honestly dont care to find out.. so dont ask.
I have no real special traditions for christmas. mine are more for winter solstice. I am slowly moving to a fully practicing pagan. its taken years but im slowly getting there. and I went singing for solstice. it was a blast. im actualy a fairly good singer now. tho its taken about 6 years.
I had no special items I wanted, no secret gift. all i felt for xmas this year was frustration and anger. both because I had no money this year as my new job pays crap and because I had to work ALL of christmas and ive still got about 60hrs left to work in about 7 days. which isnt so bad, its better than the 80 ive done in the last 7 days.
umm live journal.. no I dont think that was me. only messages on LJ ive sent or received were from amee telling me to talk to you.. and I dont have face book, tho I still have my ureach account tho all its used for anymore is collecting junk email. no it doesnt bother me that you looked. I think the only even remotely recent pic of me online I still had patches. and thats on my msn account.
anyways. im tired and im going to sleep now.
bye for now..
Fred
"When They See Us They Will Run For Their Lives To The End They Will Pay For Their Lies So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home Here Once Again There’s A Battle To Fight Gathered Together For The Sound And The Might So Long Did We Wait Now We Are Home"
RE: (no subject)
From: sunrays118@aol.com
To: drkmssiah@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, Jan 23, 2011 12:59 am
sorry its taken me a long time to respond. wanted to give you time.
sorry Christmas wasn't so good. why are you doing this job if you dont much care for it? i know i am hardly one to talk given my current situation.
this year has started off strangely. a girl in my therapy group committed suicide and its been really hard to dealwith given my predisposition for it. work is crappy for me as well though it doesnt tax me so. mostly the trouble is in my own head. the things i think.. all too much. ive basically cut everyone off, havent spoken to people in months. ive cut everyone out of my life and am left with my roommate, sort of. it doesnt work so well whcih is why i end up so trapped in my own head.
oh fred. there are all of these things iw ish i coudl tell you. just jump right in and spill out. i had a day about a week ago i had just woken up and for an instant. about thirty seconds. i could rememebr what it was liek to be me. before all of this. before the therapy, before the cutting, before my fathers death (one year ago thursday), and before evan left. i didnt know what to do it was so foreign and i was so surprised by it. it faded quickly. i miss having you as a friend. lately ive been missing my friend evan more than the man i was to marry evan. doesnt matter though right?
you didnt tell me what happens to suicides?
its funny. i read your email instantly obviously. then a week later and then a while after that and again tonight. i always plan out such careful responses. but whats so strange is this time... it felt diffrent each time i read it. like it was somehow a different email. anyway.
i am filing my own taxes for the first time this year. haha. should be fun right?
i am thinking of taking a vacation in may. portugal/spain/morocco or croatia/turkey. i dont know. last vacation i took i went to puerto rico adnd it was the worst trip of my life. but what else am i to do? i so desperately want. well. my three goals:
1. marriage
2. religion (which includes getting closer to God, dogs and Ellie/Newport)
3. a career
fred. you know i have to ask. is this how it always is for me? is this how it stays? because right now i cant make it through the day without cutting, without pain so intense i plan my own death. is this how it stays? you said i dont get back with evan and leaving that for a moment... the problem is if that is true i cant imagine ever being with anyone, trusting anyone ever again, i would spend my entire life waiting for them to leave. took me what four years to really get over you... itll take longer with evan for a number of reasons... you must know i wouldnt survive a third time and i dont want to go through that. so please, can you tell me? is this how it always is? is this how it stays? it kinda feels like cheating to ask but God wouldnt dare be so generous and i deserve some chance at dignity. is this how it ends?
its a new year... crazy huh? its ok. everyone hated 2010. seems strange to think that a year could carry bad energy.
first time i read your email i thoguh you were angry with me. didnt feel like that this last time, and im glad.
i kinda realzied something. i am the most materialistic person. but not for matrials. i kinda figure i am like a funnel placed on the ground. i just crave more and more and more security, love because it all just keeps draining out of me. so i never feel fullfilled. im starting to understand how horrible and taxing that is foreveryone around me but havent yet found a solve. im trying. it makes me not understnad what i currenlty have because am so busy trying to find a way to stay afloat, not be completely empty and drained and alone. it doesnt mean i dont appreciate and am grateful and love i just am so scared of it leaving, i so feel the need to cling that...
do you read graphic novels? i am starting to... obsessed with the pirate story from watchmen. his fear created his fear. and the devils hsip had nothing more to do than to wait at shore for him. my fear creates my hole and therefore i cling... so tight i lose things.
thank you for emailing me. i love hearing from you. thank you for telling me about your holiday. id love to know anthing youwant to share.
thank you, Fred,
Lara Ashley