Go shorty.
As per usual, I'm updating to livejournal because something is bothering me. I've noticed this pattern before - I'll go through long periods of not posting when I'm doing fine, then something will happen, usually something emotional, and I'll get on here because I need to vent. Fine. That's what a journal is for. I only regret that anyone who happens to scan my entries will find them chalk-full of whiney angst.
Not all the time. My last post was okay, I guess.
So. What's wrong with Jackie now? I shall revert to my typical oblique writing style as this is a public journal, and I feel stupid making it private. Ignoring the whole point of journaling, perhaps, but whatever.
SWUUSI this week. And overall it was great. I'm glad I got to see people who I only ever get to see at this event. And glad I got to spend time with some who I see more often, but still not often enough. And I have to say, I think I felt more welcome this year than I have any other previous year I've been at YA SWUUSI. I don't know why really, especially since I was holed up for a day and a half reading Harry Potter, but in any case, I liked that feeling.
Having said that, I have to say I'm pissed that, yet again, I cried. Over, essentially, the same subject that I've cried over every other YA SWUUSI that I've gone to. And that's, really, the issue here, not even SWUUSI at all.
I'd been telling myself it was okay for a while now, and I think the distance had helped to reinforce that idea. I was lonely sometimes, but the jobs and the kitten and the increasing amount of stuff that I could be doing in preparation for school kept me busy enough to brush it off. And the night before I'd felt comfortable and happy with everything. It didn't feel weird. I was even looking forward to the possibility of irresponsible behavior later in the week.
But then people came, and more people came, and everything got separated and it never really reconnected. I remember thinking that I'd told myself a while ago that I had encountered significant evidence that pointed to an actual stopping point. And I think I've just been wanting to find a different route.
And theres the rub. I WANT this. But I don't WANT to WANT this. And so I pretend that I don't WANT this. And even if my WANTs came true, it would probably only make things worse in the end anyways.
I talked to Rob, not about this, really, but about WANTing to believe in something. And he said something about the phrasing getting in the way of the believing - WANTing something implies you don't have it, so if you really WANT to believe in it, you should say something more like, "I believe it can happen," or "I believe it could be real."
And it's probably better that this doesn't happen, so I won't change this phrasing on this one.
So I think I need a plan. To fill my days. To do stuff. To start changing, because the unchanged me is so wrapped up in all the aforementioned stuff. Some goals:
!) Make a list of people to hang out/connect with and contact them to either plan a date to talk to.
@) Get creative with the working out/physical activity thing, and do it every day possible.
#) Try to eat less and of more variety. Work on eliminating the caffeine and sugar addictions one at a time.
$) Make time each day for at least one work/school-related project, and at least one fun/relaxing activity.
These are a little vague. But I've made many other more specific lists that I will use as well.
And now. I'm going to go shower off the days-old grime that wouldn't wash off in the shower at SWUUSI. Adios.
Not all the time. My last post was okay, I guess.
So. What's wrong with Jackie now? I shall revert to my typical oblique writing style as this is a public journal, and I feel stupid making it private. Ignoring the whole point of journaling, perhaps, but whatever.
SWUUSI this week. And overall it was great. I'm glad I got to see people who I only ever get to see at this event. And glad I got to spend time with some who I see more often, but still not often enough. And I have to say, I think I felt more welcome this year than I have any other previous year I've been at YA SWUUSI. I don't know why really, especially since I was holed up for a day and a half reading Harry Potter, but in any case, I liked that feeling.
Having said that, I have to say I'm pissed that, yet again, I cried. Over, essentially, the same subject that I've cried over every other YA SWUUSI that I've gone to. And that's, really, the issue here, not even SWUUSI at all.
I'd been telling myself it was okay for a while now, and I think the distance had helped to reinforce that idea. I was lonely sometimes, but the jobs and the kitten and the increasing amount of stuff that I could be doing in preparation for school kept me busy enough to brush it off. And the night before I'd felt comfortable and happy with everything. It didn't feel weird. I was even looking forward to the possibility of irresponsible behavior later in the week.
But then people came, and more people came, and everything got separated and it never really reconnected. I remember thinking that I'd told myself a while ago that I had encountered significant evidence that pointed to an actual stopping point. And I think I've just been wanting to find a different route.
And theres the rub. I WANT this. But I don't WANT to WANT this. And so I pretend that I don't WANT this. And even if my WANTs came true, it would probably only make things worse in the end anyways.
I talked to Rob, not about this, really, but about WANTing to believe in something. And he said something about the phrasing getting in the way of the believing - WANTing something implies you don't have it, so if you really WANT to believe in it, you should say something more like, "I believe it can happen," or "I believe it could be real."
And it's probably better that this doesn't happen, so I won't change this phrasing on this one.
So I think I need a plan. To fill my days. To do stuff. To start changing, because the unchanged me is so wrapped up in all the aforementioned stuff. Some goals:
!) Make a list of people to hang out/connect with and contact them to either plan a date to talk to.
@) Get creative with the working out/physical activity thing, and do it every day possible.
#) Try to eat less and of more variety. Work on eliminating the caffeine and sugar addictions one at a time.
$) Make time each day for at least one work/school-related project, and at least one fun/relaxing activity.
These are a little vague. But I've made many other more specific lists that I will use as well.
And now. I'm going to go shower off the days-old grime that wouldn't wash off in the shower at SWUUSI. Adios.