X-mas break has arrived just in time to refill my subscription of sanity
Finals are over. Finally, the semester ends. Grades are posted Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday, and I feel fairly confident that I'll either get a 4.0 or something fairly close. I think I'll at least make it on the Dean's List. It's about time all that study time paid off.
In other news, I've been spending a lot of time with myself this semester, and I've had the opportunity to find out a lot more about myself. I know, I know, I sound super new-age and shit, but I really do feel like I've grown more this semester than either of my two years at college. For instance, I don't like to party as much anymore. No, this is not because of Brian. At first, I just didn't have time for it as much anymore. Eventually, I stopped really wanting to go out. It doesn't really have that much to do with me not wanting to be social with people. I just feel that I don't really fit in with the same crowd anymore. I don't feel like I fit in with the 20-somethings whose main goal is getting wasted every weekend night or filling spare time with drinking and getting high just cuz there's nothing better to do. Yes, on occasion, I still go out and drink, and I still get drunk from time to time, but not as frequently. And when I DO go to parties, I think I end up getting drunk because I'm uncomfortable in the situation and I try to ease into it by becoming inebriated.
Another example, I've learned that I'm not as "perfect" as I thought I was. True, I've never really thought I was perfect, but I never seemed to realize how much at fault I was at something. Part of that has to do with the egocentrism teenagers often go through ("Everyone's looking at me" "No one understands", etc. etc.). Another part is that I'm trying really hard to see things from other people's perspectives too. But another part of my introspection into this matter has to deal with the fact that I'm learning to stand up for myself more. A BIG part of this has to do with Brian. He has helped me so much, both inadvertantly and purposely. Our little arguments have started because I don't want to put up with shit ... and he encourages that. Which really helps me out in the long run because when I go to apologize to him for being a bitch, he tells me not to, that he deserved it. And I think it's because of that that I'm becoming a stronger person. I still am a bit of a coward when it comes to confrontation, but that's just who I am, and I don't think I'll ever totally get over it.
I've also learned to enjoy what I really love as opposed to doing what I think I'm supposed to love. To me, nothing is better than cuddling with my boyfriend on his couch watching a movie, even if it's a Friday night; nothing is more enjoyable on a cold, snowy night than sitting in a chair by your bed with a cup of hot cocoa, snuggled in your very warm blanket in your PJ's reading a good book. Drinking is ok if your goal is to lose control of yourself and just not feel anything, but I prefer feeling pain, so you learn how to deal with it. No one can escape pain ... it's part of life. If you don't learn to deal with it now, what's going to happen when you're older?
I also love doing things for other people. Some would say that I just do this in an attempt to win people over, but seriously, (and I know this sounds like something out of a totally cheesy Holiday movie but every bit is true) my heart just feels like it could burst with happiness when I can make someone's day because I know how it feels when someone makes your day. If I had it my way, I would make people more understanding of others. I would have them remember how it feels when someone does something nice for them, and want to feel the same way about doing nice things to others. In my opinion, too many people I know today are selfish. I am selfish too in some ways. But I'm trying to stop. For example, I know I talk about myself a lot, but most of that has to do with the fact that when I'm uncomfortable in a conversation, I bring the conversation back to myself because I have the most success speaking on that topic. It's one I know better than any other. I do try to rotate topics back to others, but if they aren't keeping up their end of the conversation, it's hard! So if you happen to be talking to me and I am talking about myself a lot, tell me something about YOU or something else that is not me-related...I am not being selfish, merely talking about what I know.
I LOVE going out and having a good time with friends. I don't really enjoy going out and observing. I would much rather be interacting. I don't TRY to take over conversations, but sometimes I might talk too much. And I've given up on trying to dissuade people from the notion that my family and I are weird. EVERYONE IS WEIRD. So give up trying to be normal. THERE IS NO NORMAL. I'm so sick of everyone pretending to be something they are not in order to fit in. I'm sick of the person I used to be that used to do everything everyone asked of her in an effort to fit in. I'm sick of having to think over everything I say before I say it out loud, worried that it might sound dumb in front of others. That's just way too exhausting. It's much more fun to be the weird, quirky one. Think about it. Sure, people give you weird looks from time to time, but we're the people who make life interesting. So all you "normal" people, go easy on us, we're just trying to lighten up you're life. ;)
Wanna know me in a nutshell? According to how I see myself, I am a quirky, fun-loving girl who is not afraid to be serious when I need or want to be, not afraid to be myself and voice my opinions, even if they differ from other people's. I love reading books, I love writing, and I even love school (surprise, surprise - I just don't love all the work that goes along with it, but I LOVE learning). I am a very forgiving person, and I try to be as understanding as possible. And as Linda would put it, I would give my kidney to a stranger if they needed it. I am very loyal to my closest friends, and although I love being part of a group, I am not willing (anymore) to change my personality to be included. I love my boyfriend, and although he can be an ass in his worst moments, he is a sweetheart about 95% of the time. (Who else watches "The Family Man" with you all the way through and hands you Kleenex and strokes your hair and isn't totally freaked out when you're sobbing at the end?) I don't believe myself to be overly-intelligent, but I think my eagerness to learn makes it easy for me to seem fairly smart. I LOVE my job at Outback, I LOVE the people I work with, and I LOVE my boss. I may not love the hours or the pay, but hey, you take the good with the bad. I LOVE the kids I babysit for (and I also love kids in general), but in a way, I am reliefed that I won't be babysitting next semester, although, I WILL miss them a ton. I enjoy the simple things in life, like listening to music and watching scenery scroll by when I'm riding in the car, long walks through the woods, first snowfall, sunny days at the beach, and on and on, and I'm a total romantic. My golden rule: Treat others as YOU would want to be treated. I don't always follow my morals, but I try. I don't always exercise either, but somehow I manage alright. ;) I am TRYING to have a more carefree outlook on the little bumps in the road of life, but I still get road rage now and again. I don't always make sense to others, but in my mind, it's all crystal clear. I know not everyone is able to see the effect their actions have on other people, but I wish that everyone would try more. Lastly, college has been the best thing in my life in getting me to gain perspective on myself ... including the relationships I've had over the past 3 years.
I sound like an extended version of a Hallmark card.
In other news, I've been spending a lot of time with myself this semester, and I've had the opportunity to find out a lot more about myself. I know, I know, I sound super new-age and shit, but I really do feel like I've grown more this semester than either of my two years at college. For instance, I don't like to party as much anymore. No, this is not because of Brian. At first, I just didn't have time for it as much anymore. Eventually, I stopped really wanting to go out. It doesn't really have that much to do with me not wanting to be social with people. I just feel that I don't really fit in with the same crowd anymore. I don't feel like I fit in with the 20-somethings whose main goal is getting wasted every weekend night or filling spare time with drinking and getting high just cuz there's nothing better to do. Yes, on occasion, I still go out and drink, and I still get drunk from time to time, but not as frequently. And when I DO go to parties, I think I end up getting drunk because I'm uncomfortable in the situation and I try to ease into it by becoming inebriated.
Another example, I've learned that I'm not as "perfect" as I thought I was. True, I've never really thought I was perfect, but I never seemed to realize how much at fault I was at something. Part of that has to do with the egocentrism teenagers often go through ("Everyone's looking at me" "No one understands", etc. etc.). Another part is that I'm trying really hard to see things from other people's perspectives too. But another part of my introspection into this matter has to deal with the fact that I'm learning to stand up for myself more. A BIG part of this has to do with Brian. He has helped me so much, both inadvertantly and purposely. Our little arguments have started because I don't want to put up with shit ... and he encourages that. Which really helps me out in the long run because when I go to apologize to him for being a bitch, he tells me not to, that he deserved it. And I think it's because of that that I'm becoming a stronger person. I still am a bit of a coward when it comes to confrontation, but that's just who I am, and I don't think I'll ever totally get over it.
I've also learned to enjoy what I really love as opposed to doing what I think I'm supposed to love. To me, nothing is better than cuddling with my boyfriend on his couch watching a movie, even if it's a Friday night; nothing is more enjoyable on a cold, snowy night than sitting in a chair by your bed with a cup of hot cocoa, snuggled in your very warm blanket in your PJ's reading a good book. Drinking is ok if your goal is to lose control of yourself and just not feel anything, but I prefer feeling pain, so you learn how to deal with it. No one can escape pain ... it's part of life. If you don't learn to deal with it now, what's going to happen when you're older?
I also love doing things for other people. Some would say that I just do this in an attempt to win people over, but seriously, (and I know this sounds like something out of a totally cheesy Holiday movie but every bit is true) my heart just feels like it could burst with happiness when I can make someone's day because I know how it feels when someone makes your day. If I had it my way, I would make people more understanding of others. I would have them remember how it feels when someone does something nice for them, and want to feel the same way about doing nice things to others. In my opinion, too many people I know today are selfish. I am selfish too in some ways. But I'm trying to stop. For example, I know I talk about myself a lot, but most of that has to do with the fact that when I'm uncomfortable in a conversation, I bring the conversation back to myself because I have the most success speaking on that topic. It's one I know better than any other. I do try to rotate topics back to others, but if they aren't keeping up their end of the conversation, it's hard! So if you happen to be talking to me and I am talking about myself a lot, tell me something about YOU or something else that is not me-related...I am not being selfish, merely talking about what I know.
I LOVE going out and having a good time with friends. I don't really enjoy going out and observing. I would much rather be interacting. I don't TRY to take over conversations, but sometimes I might talk too much. And I've given up on trying to dissuade people from the notion that my family and I are weird. EVERYONE IS WEIRD. So give up trying to be normal. THERE IS NO NORMAL. I'm so sick of everyone pretending to be something they are not in order to fit in. I'm sick of the person I used to be that used to do everything everyone asked of her in an effort to fit in. I'm sick of having to think over everything I say before I say it out loud, worried that it might sound dumb in front of others. That's just way too exhausting. It's much more fun to be the weird, quirky one. Think about it. Sure, people give you weird looks from time to time, but we're the people who make life interesting. So all you "normal" people, go easy on us, we're just trying to lighten up you're life. ;)
Wanna know me in a nutshell? According to how I see myself, I am a quirky, fun-loving girl who is not afraid to be serious when I need or want to be, not afraid to be myself and voice my opinions, even if they differ from other people's. I love reading books, I love writing, and I even love school (surprise, surprise - I just don't love all the work that goes along with it, but I LOVE learning). I am a very forgiving person, and I try to be as understanding as possible. And as Linda would put it, I would give my kidney to a stranger if they needed it. I am very loyal to my closest friends, and although I love being part of a group, I am not willing (anymore) to change my personality to be included. I love my boyfriend, and although he can be an ass in his worst moments, he is a sweetheart about 95% of the time. (Who else watches "The Family Man" with you all the way through and hands you Kleenex and strokes your hair and isn't totally freaked out when you're sobbing at the end?) I don't believe myself to be overly-intelligent, but I think my eagerness to learn makes it easy for me to seem fairly smart. I LOVE my job at Outback, I LOVE the people I work with, and I LOVE my boss. I may not love the hours or the pay, but hey, you take the good with the bad. I LOVE the kids I babysit for (and I also love kids in general), but in a way, I am reliefed that I won't be babysitting next semester, although, I WILL miss them a ton. I enjoy the simple things in life, like listening to music and watching scenery scroll by when I'm riding in the car, long walks through the woods, first snowfall, sunny days at the beach, and on and on, and I'm a total romantic. My golden rule: Treat others as YOU would want to be treated. I don't always follow my morals, but I try. I don't always exercise either, but somehow I manage alright. ;) I am TRYING to have a more carefree outlook on the little bumps in the road of life, but I still get road rage now and again. I don't always make sense to others, but in my mind, it's all crystal clear. I know not everyone is able to see the effect their actions have on other people, but I wish that everyone would try more. Lastly, college has been the best thing in my life in getting me to gain perspective on myself ... including the relationships I've had over the past 3 years.
I sound like an extended version of a Hallmark card.