Fic: We Are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together
Fic: We Are Never, Ever, Ever Getting Back Together
Word Count: ~1,300
Characters: Ensemble, specifically: Leslie, Donna, Ron, Ann, Ben, and Jerry
Rating: PG
Timeline: Takes place after "I Am Leslie Knope"
Author's Note: Happy Belated Galentine's Day, sullen_aquarian! She had prompted "My prompt is a fic where the whole Parks Department reveals their worst breakup stories. Or in Donna's case, the awesome ways in which she has dumped men. Gracias!"
Disclaimer: I am not not Mike Schur, nor am I Taylor Swift.
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Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna
Leslie: "Worst breakup? Well, there was the groundskeeper at Ramsett Park. I remember he planted tulips the first of the year after we'd gone out a couple of times. I then didn't hear from him for a couple of months, despite calling and calling. When he finally did return my call he asked me to meet him at the park. He got me up on a ladder so I could see how the tulips had bloomed: he'd planted them in a way that together they spelled out 'BYE'."
Donna: "Oh my God! Are you serious!"
Leslie: "Unfortunately, yes. Then again I guess that wasn't a bad breakup: if I have to lose out on love for the sake of park beautification, I'll take it."
Donna: "Well I've never been broken up with -- and certainly not like that. I took one guy’s credit card, bought myself two dozen roses with it, and told him they were from a much hotter guy and that I’d see him next lifetime."
Leslie: "Donna! That's credit card fraud!"
Donna: "Girl, please. The boy had to go, and Mama needed rose petals for her bath."
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Talking Head ~ Ron
"Worst breakup? Fine. Her name was Frances. She's the daughter of my butcher, Sam. She has what any man would want: the fine-tuned ability to wield a cleaver, and she knows how to separate a lamb shank from a lamb bone. Just to see her I visited the butcher shop three times a day as opposed to my usual two.
“I asked her out while ordering a perfectly tender three-pound ribeye -- I'll never forget it. It tasted delicious alongside a bourbon, neat. Anyway we went out first to the movies, next to the bowling alley. On our third date we went out to dinner. That's when I found out her horrible, dirty secret. I ordered porkchops, she ordered a... I can hardly say it... portabello mushroom sandwich. Turns out she was a vegetarian. Blech. She just worked at her dad's shop out of respect for him -- she had no respect for the meat.
“I laughed at her, like any sane person would, and she felt compelled to take my porkchops off my plate, and throw the poor, innocent things on the ground. She stomped out of the restaurant after that. It wasn't so much embarrassing as it was infuriating -- I realized in that moment that with us broken up, and her still working at Sam's, I wouldn't be able to linger at the meat counter anymore and talk shop. Shop as in our best grilling techniques, seasoning tricks, and meat-and-beverage pairings. It was very disappointing."
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Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: "Oh, and then there was the guy took out an ad in the Pawnee Journal to break up with me. His message was really sincere -- it read simply ‘Leslie Knope, please stop calling me’ -- but honestly, it would have been just as effective as a two-inch by two-inch sized ad, rather than a half-page one. On the front cover."
Donna: “I paid a paperboy to throw a brick through one guy’s window.”
Leslie: “Great. So that’s bribery and destruction of property. Two breakups in and we’re already up to three felonies.”
Donna:
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Talking Head ~ Jerry
"I've been very fortunate to have never been dumped, but then again I never did a lot of dating. I met the lovely Gayle Smithers-now-Gergich when I was 19. Oh but hold on, there was Helen... I almost forgot about her. Helen... Hmm, forgot her last name. It'll come to me…
“Anyway, she was a foreign exchange student from jolly ol' England. She was pretty -- light blonde hair. And talented -- she was the lead in all of our school plays. And of course she had that neat, far-out accent.
“I sat in front of her in Math class. And, oh, I remember I was walking back to my seat after answering a problem up at the blackboard. The eraser had slipped from my hands so I was covered in white chalk dust. But as I sat back down she asked me if I'd take her to the soda shoppe. It was the darndest thing!
“We had a pleasant time, but as we were leaving she tried to kiss me and it just felt far too forward. So I told her I wouldn't be taking her back to the soda shoppe, or anywhere for that matter. Call me conservative, but I don't kiss on a first date.
“She wrote me love notes in Math, but I wouldn't have anything of it. Eventually she headed back home for England. I hope there's no hard feelings still there for her. Like I said she was a nice girl, but just not for me.
“Helen... Oh yeah, Helen Mirren was her name. I wonder whatever happened to her..."
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: “There was the guy who got Mom to break up with me.”
Donna: “Yeah, you already told us about him. That’s so embarrassing. But I guess you didn’t know his Mom that well, right?”
Leslie: “No that was a different guy. This one guy got my Mom to break up with me for him.”
Donna: “I’m sorry! I can’t do this anymore!”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Ann
“You already know about my worst breakup: rhymes with Miss Jӓger, which I certainly did not the night after that horrible trip to Indy. Get it? I didn't miss it because... drunk...
“Anyway, my second worst breakup was when I was 6. His name was Rickey Dillmore. He liked Superman comics, so I tried to be just like Lois Lane. I wrote a little newspaper for our class, and cut my hair short like hers.
“But then he switched to liking Spiderman. Mary Jane didn’t have any obvious character traits about her, and my Mom wouldn’t let me dye my hair red like hers - I was only 6! - so I simply acted damsel-in-distress-like out on the playground. I’d twist myself up on the swing set and call for him to rescue me. I’d bury my legs in the sand of the sandbox and tell him it was quick sand and I needed him to pull me out. And once I climbed up on the top of the jungle gym and said I needed him to help me down, but that wasn’t a great idea actually because recess was almost over and he didn’t come get me so I was stuck up there and alone on the playground for a good hour before the teacher came to get me.
“Still I thought my plan was solid - until he said he was switching to Batman comics and since Batgirl wasn’t really Batman’s girlfriend we had to breakup. I was crushed at the time, but looking back his logic was sound: clearly Batman and Robin had a thing going on, not Batman and Batgirl. And what do you know: I ran into him years later and introduced me to his boyfriend - Bruce! As in Bruce Wayne! Get it? I crack myself up. ”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: “My worst though happened just recently. I really, really cared about him. I still do. But our timing was off. Or we just weren’t meant to be.”
Donna:
“Oh, I’m sorry, Leslie. That one does sound rough.”
Leslie: “Thanks, D.”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Ben
“My worst breakup happened just recently. It was mutual really, but I felt like the dump-ee in the end since she was someone I really... really cared about. But I guess that's why it happened in the first place. You know the old saying -- "If you love something, set it free"? That's what happened here. I set her free because I... well, it doesn't matter anymore. I just want her to be happy. You know, what? I'm sorry, but I just can't do this... You'll edit this part out right?”
{Author’s Note: Sorry to end on a sad note, but we all know there’s a happily ever after around the corner… J}
Word Count: ~1,300
Characters: Ensemble, specifically: Leslie, Donna, Ron, Ann, Ben, and Jerry
Rating: PG
Timeline: Takes place after "I Am Leslie Knope"
Author's Note: Happy Belated Galentine's Day, sullen_aquarian! She had prompted "My prompt is a fic where the whole Parks Department reveals their worst breakup stories. Or in Donna's case, the awesome ways in which she has dumped men. Gracias!"
Disclaimer: I am not not Mike Schur, nor am I Taylor Swift.
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna
Leslie: "Worst breakup? Well, there was the groundskeeper at Ramsett Park. I remember he planted tulips the first of the year after we'd gone out a couple of times. I then didn't hear from him for a couple of months, despite calling and calling. When he finally did return my call he asked me to meet him at the park. He got me up on a ladder so I could see how the tulips had bloomed: he'd planted them in a way that together they spelled out 'BYE'."
Donna: "Oh my God! Are you serious!"
Leslie: "Unfortunately, yes. Then again I guess that wasn't a bad breakup: if I have to lose out on love for the sake of park beautification, I'll take it."
Donna: "Well I've never been broken up with -- and certainly not like that. I took one guy’s credit card, bought myself two dozen roses with it, and told him they were from a much hotter guy and that I’d see him next lifetime."
Leslie: "Donna! That's credit card fraud!"
Donna: "Girl, please. The boy had to go, and Mama needed rose petals for her bath."
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Ron
"Worst breakup? Fine. Her name was Frances. She's the daughter of my butcher, Sam. She has what any man would want: the fine-tuned ability to wield a cleaver, and she knows how to separate a lamb shank from a lamb bone. Just to see her I visited the butcher shop three times a day as opposed to my usual two.
“I asked her out while ordering a perfectly tender three-pound ribeye -- I'll never forget it. It tasted delicious alongside a bourbon, neat. Anyway we went out first to the movies, next to the bowling alley. On our third date we went out to dinner. That's when I found out her horrible, dirty secret. I ordered porkchops, she ordered a... I can hardly say it... portabello mushroom sandwich. Turns out she was a vegetarian. Blech. She just worked at her dad's shop out of respect for him -- she had no respect for the meat.
“I laughed at her, like any sane person would, and she felt compelled to take my porkchops off my plate, and throw the poor, innocent things on the ground. She stomped out of the restaurant after that. It wasn't so much embarrassing as it was infuriating -- I realized in that moment that with us broken up, and her still working at Sam's, I wouldn't be able to linger at the meat counter anymore and talk shop. Shop as in our best grilling techniques, seasoning tricks, and meat-and-beverage pairings. It was very disappointing."
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: "Oh, and then there was the guy took out an ad in the Pawnee Journal to break up with me. His message was really sincere -- it read simply ‘Leslie Knope, please stop calling me’ -- but honestly, it would have been just as effective as a two-inch by two-inch sized ad, rather than a half-page one. On the front cover."
Donna: “I paid a paperboy to throw a brick through one guy’s window.”
Leslie: “Great. So that’s bribery and destruction of property. Two breakups in and we’re already up to three felonies.”
Donna:
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Jerry
"I've been very fortunate to have never been dumped, but then again I never did a lot of dating. I met the lovely Gayle Smithers-now-Gergich when I was 19. Oh but hold on, there was Helen... I almost forgot about her. Helen... Hmm, forgot her last name. It'll come to me…
“Anyway, she was a foreign exchange student from jolly ol' England. She was pretty -- light blonde hair. And talented -- she was the lead in all of our school plays. And of course she had that neat, far-out accent.
“I sat in front of her in Math class. And, oh, I remember I was walking back to my seat after answering a problem up at the blackboard. The eraser had slipped from my hands so I was covered in white chalk dust. But as I sat back down she asked me if I'd take her to the soda shoppe. It was the darndest thing!
“We had a pleasant time, but as we were leaving she tried to kiss me and it just felt far too forward. So I told her I wouldn't be taking her back to the soda shoppe, or anywhere for that matter. Call me conservative, but I don't kiss on a first date.
“She wrote me love notes in Math, but I wouldn't have anything of it. Eventually she headed back home for England. I hope there's no hard feelings still there for her. Like I said she was a nice girl, but just not for me.
“Helen... Oh yeah, Helen Mirren was her name. I wonder whatever happened to her..."
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: “There was the guy who got Mom to break up with me.”
Donna: “Yeah, you already told us about him. That’s so embarrassing. But I guess you didn’t know his Mom that well, right?”
Leslie: “No that was a different guy. This one guy got my Mom to break up with me for him.”
Donna: “I’m sorry! I can’t do this anymore!”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Ann
“You already know about my worst breakup: rhymes with Miss Jӓger, which I certainly did not the night after that horrible trip to Indy. Get it? I didn't miss it because... drunk...
“Anyway, my second worst breakup was when I was 6. His name was Rickey Dillmore. He liked Superman comics, so I tried to be just like Lois Lane. I wrote a little newspaper for our class, and cut my hair short like hers.
“But then he switched to liking Spiderman. Mary Jane didn’t have any obvious character traits about her, and my Mom wouldn’t let me dye my hair red like hers - I was only 6! - so I simply acted damsel-in-distress-like out on the playground. I’d twist myself up on the swing set and call for him to rescue me. I’d bury my legs in the sand of the sandbox and tell him it was quick sand and I needed him to pull me out. And once I climbed up on the top of the jungle gym and said I needed him to help me down, but that wasn’t a great idea actually because recess was almost over and he didn’t come get me so I was stuck up there and alone on the playground for a good hour before the teacher came to get me.
“Still I thought my plan was solid - until he said he was switching to Batman comics and since Batgirl wasn’t really Batman’s girlfriend we had to breakup. I was crushed at the time, but looking back his logic was sound: clearly Batman and Robin had a thing going on, not Batman and Batgirl. And what do you know: I ran into him years later and introduced me to his boyfriend - Bruce! As in Bruce Wayne! Get it? I crack myself up. ”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Leslie & Donna (continued)
Leslie: “My worst though happened just recently. I really, really cared about him. I still do. But our timing was off. Or we just weren’t meant to be.”
Donna:
“Oh, I’m sorry, Leslie. That one does sound rough.”
Leslie: “Thanks, D.”
+++++++++++
Talking Head ~ Ben
“My worst breakup happened just recently. It was mutual really, but I felt like the dump-ee in the end since she was someone I really... really cared about. But I guess that's why it happened in the first place. You know the old saying -- "If you love something, set it free"? That's what happened here. I set her free because I... well, it doesn't matter anymore. I just want her to be happy. You know, what? I'm sorry, but I just can't do this... You'll edit this part out right?”
{Author’s Note: Sorry to end on a sad note, but we all know there’s a happily ever after around the corner… J}