(no subject)
17 DAYS until Deals Gap North Carolina/Tennessee
I hate not feeling in control of my own life. Right now, Allen has his and my future in his hands. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I could, but I have already tried the latter and I just can't bring myself to do it. At least, not in this point in time. Most people think I'm being stupid. But when you love someone so deeply with your whole heart and soul and you have a physical, Mental and emotional connection, the bond is hard to sever. Maybe I am being naive. Maybe I'm not ready to face the fact that my marriage could be over.
They always said that child birth would be the most painful experience in your life. I beg to differ. Child birth is NOTHING compared to what I am going through right now. IN fact, I'd rather be pregnant than go through this nightmare.
I wake up wondering if this is the day that he we will leave me. That he will decide not to be with me. When that time comes...I don't know what I'm going to do. YES! My sadness is now turning to anger and rage. But at the same time, I'm afraid for my mental capacity. I don't think I will be able to handle the day he says our relationship is over.
I hate this. I want to talk about it. But there are just some things I can't disclose as of now. And I hate to talk about it to the people who know because I don't want to burden them. They have their own problems and their own lives that need tending to. I hate to talk about my problems anyway.
I just wish the light at the end of the tunnel would appear quickly! Because if it doesn't, my mentallity will never get back to the way it was. I always thought I had a level head. But I'm finding that my assumption has been incorrect. I'm doing things I promised myself I wouldn't do after seeing my mother go through pure hell. I guess I'm not as strong a person as I thought I was. I'm pathetic and weak. I don't know which end is up anymore. GRRR!!! Very frazzling!
I've also notice that this entry has been one big cliche and for that I'm sorry! I hate cliches. But I guess that's what my life is anymore. One big fucking cliche! Isn't that special? *eye roll*
My vacation can't come fast enough!