(no subject)
21 days until I leave for Deal's Gap, North Carolina!!!
Well...Things were going well. There was a set back that hopefully will get straightened out. I can't explain the emotional and mental stress I have been experiencing. I'm tired. And I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on to hope. The hurt is now turning me angry. The rage I feel is nothing like I have ever felt before. And in all honesty, I feel bad with whomever crosses my path the wrong way.
One of the reason why I can't wait for my Gap trip. I need this vacation. I can ride my motorcycle and just take the week to destress myself. And hopefully the 7 days I'm gone...Allen will reflect on on relationship and what we have together. And I don't mean our material things. I mean our children and their love for us. Mine and Allen's love for one another. And maybe he'll realize that the love we have for each other is a once in a lifetime.
I've tried to stop loving him. I've tried to leave. But I can't bring myself to go through with it. I love him too much to leave. Even by rights that I should pack my children and myself up and go. It's easier said than done. Besides I have no where to go. And I currently don't have a job. I stay because I still have an inkling of hope that things will work out. That we can get through our current trials and tribulations. But as I said, I'm getting tired and I'm not sure ho much longer I can hold on. I'm tryign to be strong for myself and my children. But dealing with this situation, trying to look for a job, taking care of Austin and Breezy, making sure the house and laundry are up to par, getting ready for the Gap and dealing with friends and their small problems, it's almost impossible to keep focused .
I hate feeling worthless. I hate feeling so vulnerable and desparate. Sometimes I think about swallowing my bottle of Ambien and just being done with everything. Or think other horrible thoughts. But what exactly would that accomplish? Absolutely, fucking nothing. Except for the fact my children would be without a mother and the people who truely care about me would be devastated.
Sometimes I think this is Karma paying me back for everything I've done wrong in my life. And I've done plenty of wrong. They always say, "what comes around goes around." Well I believe that it has finally come around and bit me straight in the ass. And I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been a better person. I wish I would have made the changes I've made to myself in the past 2 and half months, a year or so ago. Maybe then I wouldn't be on the verge of losing the one thing that has always completed me and made me whole. The one person who gave me a chance and never passed judgement on me and loved me for who I am, may be walking out of my life because of something stupid and immature. He was the only man that ever looked at me and didn't see that I was fat and unattractive. And I will never find that again for as long as I live. And I'm incredibly sorry for fucking up the one thing I'd have until the day I died.
I want everything to work out and I want everything to go back to the way it used to be. But BEcause of my stupidity, I'm not sure I can ever get it back.