The Mean Reds
"ever been so scared and you don't know why? Well they're the mean reds, and when I get them - the only way to get rid of them is to go to Tiffanys"
I guess everyone has felt like this - and i guess everyone has their own way of coping with it.
I don't go to Tiffany's - it's a bit of a trek and i'd end up so in debt because I couldn't just look.
When I get the mean reds - I take up something new.
Ballet, learning spanish, uni work, drama.
And your right you know - all of you. All of the people who sit there and think that i'm keeping busy because i'm trying to keep the mean reds at bay.
I'm always afraid.
If I pause for long enough they come back. So i cant' wait for monday - back to work and back to dancing and back to uni work. Back to being busy and tired and refreshed and in a routine.
And not thinking about any of the things that give me the mean reds.
Right now i want to push out my social life - i don't want time for one.
I don't want to feel guilty for not visiting people when they don't bother to visit me.
I don't want to take up a role that I don't belong in - its hard and i always feel like the smile is about to crack on my face.
I love my true friends and i don't want ot lose them - but i really need to lose myself for a while. And this time i have on my hands - it's killing me.
Don't get me wrong - i don't think i'm some scarred person who has suffered more than anyone - thats so not true - i know people - most people actually who have been through much worse than i have and are coping beautifully.
I'm struggling to accept the inevitible - I'm not girlfriend material - i'm cool, untouchable. And i'm self destructive to anything good like that. I walk away and then spend the next year realising exactly what i stepped away from.
And if i control it - so i don't go into self destruct mode - my body does it for me. And it's not going to let me forget it. Not ever.
The only thing I have ever been good at is working. Studying, practising. Because I know that I can perfect my dancing, my uni work, my acting. So I do. I keep working - and I shut out everything else. And then i'm happy.
I've spent far too much time over the past few years striving for a happiness that isn't open to me. That stupid mistake of falling in love - it made me believe that everything works out in the end and being with someone is the only happiness.
And it's not.
I need to work on the attainable happiness and stop reaching out for the impossible.
Anhd i can do it. I know I can.
lora x
I guess everyone has felt like this - and i guess everyone has their own way of coping with it.
I don't go to Tiffany's - it's a bit of a trek and i'd end up so in debt because I couldn't just look.
When I get the mean reds - I take up something new.
Ballet, learning spanish, uni work, drama.
And your right you know - all of you. All of the people who sit there and think that i'm keeping busy because i'm trying to keep the mean reds at bay.
I'm always afraid.
If I pause for long enough they come back. So i cant' wait for monday - back to work and back to dancing and back to uni work. Back to being busy and tired and refreshed and in a routine.
And not thinking about any of the things that give me the mean reds.
Right now i want to push out my social life - i don't want time for one.
I don't want to feel guilty for not visiting people when they don't bother to visit me.
I don't want to take up a role that I don't belong in - its hard and i always feel like the smile is about to crack on my face.
I love my true friends and i don't want ot lose them - but i really need to lose myself for a while. And this time i have on my hands - it's killing me.
Don't get me wrong - i don't think i'm some scarred person who has suffered more than anyone - thats so not true - i know people - most people actually who have been through much worse than i have and are coping beautifully.
I'm struggling to accept the inevitible - I'm not girlfriend material - i'm cool, untouchable. And i'm self destructive to anything good like that. I walk away and then spend the next year realising exactly what i stepped away from.
And if i control it - so i don't go into self destruct mode - my body does it for me. And it's not going to let me forget it. Not ever.
The only thing I have ever been good at is working. Studying, practising. Because I know that I can perfect my dancing, my uni work, my acting. So I do. I keep working - and I shut out everything else. And then i'm happy.
I've spent far too much time over the past few years striving for a happiness that isn't open to me. That stupid mistake of falling in love - it made me believe that everything works out in the end and being with someone is the only happiness.
And it's not.
I need to work on the attainable happiness and stop reaching out for the impossible.
Anhd i can do it. I know I can.
lora x