Happy Birthday to me.......
Well, today is my 28th birthday, god just looking at that makes me feel old. For some odd reason I thought I would feel like a grown up when I reached this age, yet I still feel like I am 16. Someone called me ma'am on the phone today and it was like a knife to the heart. I wish I could say that it doesn't faze me to get older, but it does. I feel like I have not yet attained what I want. I feel like I should be a grown up and want grown up things, yet so much of that doesn't seem like it fits me yet. I am not ready to be a mommy, so I don't feel the pressure to be a married person. I am happy in my relationship, feel loved by my family and friends, yet I still feel that there is something more that I supposed to want. I know that a deep deep part of me wishes that I had gone the same route that Bonnie and Meagan did, get married young, have successful husband not worry about my future. But I think I would feel just as lost as I do now.
I love Jesse with all my heart and I know he loves me in return. I know I said that I didn't want a party for my birthday I just didn't realize that no party equaled no celebration at all. I am not the type of person who enjoys planning things for myself, I am great at planning for other people but when it comes to me I just feel like it is a waste of time. But then I get disappointed. Like I feel that if I had said PLEASE do A B C for my birthday Jesse would have done them with GUSTO, but because I was too chicken to say Hey I don't want a big todo for my birthday but lets please do something to make me feel special he would have I just didn't want to feel like a needy whiney person who needs presents and people to say happy birthday to feel loved. I know I am mixture of contradictions today but I am, must admit kinda feeling blah, old fat and kinda like eh so what its your birthday. I can't expect people to read my mind, I can't expect people to understand how I feel about things if I don't readily understand them myself.
I am sad about getting older, I am sad that Jesse didn't realize, ( I acknowledge this is my fault) that I needed some sort of recognition that it is my birthday, and above all else I am sad that by 28 (the age I had in my head)being a grown up hasn't come to fruition. I had always believed 28 was the magic year. That this would be the year that I would be married, start being a grown person. Now that it is here I realize that is not what I need, want or am going to have. Not to say that I don't want to ever be married, it is just a hard thing to come to grips with that my mental time line was so off. Maybe I am just not the marrying kinda person.
This is a depressing post, sorry.
I am not depressed, just sad that I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I always wanted to be a young mom, or at least I thought I did. Scary to realize how little I knew, know about myself. They say that the 30's are better, but they also said that about the last 20's. They say you don't really start knowing yourself until you are in your late 20's. God I wish I would get there already. Who the hell am I and what the hell do I want out of life???? BLAH
Birthdays BAH HUMBUG!!
I love Jesse with all my heart and I know he loves me in return. I know I said that I didn't want a party for my birthday I just didn't realize that no party equaled no celebration at all. I am not the type of person who enjoys planning things for myself, I am great at planning for other people but when it comes to me I just feel like it is a waste of time. But then I get disappointed. Like I feel that if I had said PLEASE do A B C for my birthday Jesse would have done them with GUSTO, but because I was too chicken to say Hey I don't want a big todo for my birthday but lets please do something to make me feel special he would have I just didn't want to feel like a needy whiney person who needs presents and people to say happy birthday to feel loved. I know I am mixture of contradictions today but I am, must admit kinda feeling blah, old fat and kinda like eh so what its your birthday. I can't expect people to read my mind, I can't expect people to understand how I feel about things if I don't readily understand them myself.
I am sad about getting older, I am sad that Jesse didn't realize, ( I acknowledge this is my fault) that I needed some sort of recognition that it is my birthday, and above all else I am sad that by 28 (the age I had in my head)being a grown up hasn't come to fruition. I had always believed 28 was the magic year. That this would be the year that I would be married, start being a grown person. Now that it is here I realize that is not what I need, want or am going to have. Not to say that I don't want to ever be married, it is just a hard thing to come to grips with that my mental time line was so off. Maybe I am just not the marrying kinda person.
This is a depressing post, sorry.
I am not depressed, just sad that I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I always wanted to be a young mom, or at least I thought I did. Scary to realize how little I knew, know about myself. They say that the 30's are better, but they also said that about the last 20's. They say you don't really start knowing yourself until you are in your late 20's. God I wish I would get there already. Who the hell am I and what the hell do I want out of life???? BLAH
Birthdays BAH HUMBUG!!