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[sunkistboy]

I know. That's what I wanted. Now I am free, yes, right. I'm not mad at the way things went, I'm actually pretty happy, but I can't help feeling dead empty. The breakup was so weird, it was fake. It's as if Philippe saw me drift away, so he dove into some kind of defence mechanism, keeping him from being too sad. I mean, it was SO weird, him

Comments

[mikeybelcher]

There is nothing in the world that is simple, except for the simple fact that everything is confusing. You have every right to question things. If you didn't, then how could you say you were really alive...

Take care. :)

Love, Mikey

[sunkistboy]

You know, I think I, at this exact time tonight, just pinpointed why I am feeling this way. Everything is happening at the same time. Study time, breakup time, being single time. I am exhausted after having studied all week for my exams, which makes it harder for me to cope with facts that wouldn't have bothered me if I were in a more normal state of mind. Anyway, I'm not sure if I make any sense, but the point is that, being vulnerable (if that even is an english word), I don't feel like being alone. I would take affection from anyone, without thinking twice about the possible outcomes of my actions. But now I am alone, wondering where the people all went. I just want to drift away for a while, but I can't, limits being the study left and the absence of a companion, someone to talk to and forget for a while, whether it is a boyfriend (the fact that I had that not long ago makes the hole a hell of a lot bigger), a friend, a stranger. I think I'm going to stay home. But, hey, I LOVE when you write me. And I think I can say that I am

[mikeybelcher]

I wish you could have seen my play. It might help you, because it deals with exactly how you are feeling right now.

One of the monologues says: "I just see things differently than everyone else. And I am SO tired of apologizing for who I am. Yeah, sure, life is grand, life is great. Yippee-doo. Throw a friggin parade. But it is all so empty. Everything is so momentary. I want something permanent - a notion that the things I do actually matter in the end."

I hope you know that other people are feeling the way you do, but no matter what you are unique. I for one see an amazing person in you. I know that one day both you and someone you love will see that same thing utterly and completely.

Take care Louis.

xoxoxoxox, Mikey

[sunkistboy]

I was about to respond to your entry; I think I'll do it here. I wish I could have been there to see your play, I really do, because I know that what you live sometimes is so bizarrely similar to what I am experiencing, and because I think you are an amazing writer. It shows even in the tiniest comments you send, the entries you write, the emails I've received from you. I'm sorry you had to deal with all those mixed emotions on that special night, but I am happy to see that you are now thankful, and proud, and filled with amazing feelingsI don't know though, if I am tired of apologizing for who I am. I'm kinda like that, a little weak, and feeling bad for who I am, and almost trying to hide it from the world, and from myself. I guess it might be a part of my personal development to finally be proud of who is Louis in its core. But, you've expressed one of life's greatest paradox so well. Life is great, but life is so empty. Everything goes away as fast as it came, we can't hold on to anything, or at least I can't, but as you said, and

[mikeybelcher]

Louis,

I hope you don't think I am ever trying to tell you how you feel or trying to explain you in just a few words. You are much more complex than that. I could never describe the depth of your emotions...I was just saying that what you said reminded me of part of my play. I hope you didn't think I was being annoying.

The next two performances are on Wed the 10th and Sat the 13th. If you can't make it I would definitely send you a copy of my play.

Life is definitely crazy. I hope you find out what it means to YOU.

xoxox, Mikey

[sunkistboy]

Oi, I'm sorry if I made it sound like I was annoyed, because I most certainly was not. I was grateful because once again you made me think and reflect on myself. I was just sharing what came out of my reflection. And the complexity of it all just numbs me into more laziness.

I can't be in Montreal for Wednesday for sure, and Saturday is going to be hard too. I'll see what I can do.

[mikeybelcher]

It's okay if you can't make it. The lone fact that you want to means the world to me.

:) Mikey