i wrote this letter to my friend, and it was basically a journal entry
first i will share my deepest fantasy with you. to be a guitar player in a grunge-type band from the 90's, rocking out and being flamboyant, wearing make-up and women's clothes, doing way too many drugs and not even knowing how awesome i am EVER.
now that's out of the way, i want to say that i love you. and that your support in general is an important place for me to go and draw some energy in my life and i will always be grateful for that.
settling back into school has been a little rough, frankly. i've been realizing how many of my scholastic decisions are based in feeding my own ego. wanting to always be on stage, getting attention. having people look at me and think i am so connected and deep...
it's just all really confusing because it's okay to want attention and to share yourself musically with people, but i need to find a more honest way to do it. as a result of this way of thinking, i have quit some ensembles i would normally be doing. things that my heart isn't in 100% are getting axed and i'm creating some time... but for what? i don't really know.
i'm still being incredibly discerning in my life. no friends i'm not super into, definitely no girls i'm not super into (which hasn't been anyone in a while, besides you) no bands i'm not super into (unless there's a reasonable amount of money involved) etc.
it feels good to stay true to my heart and do the right thing. but as eugene said to me very recently: "do the right thing all the time and you better get used to being lonely". and that is how i feel right about now... i feel good about myself for being honest and really besting a lot of the anxieties that plagued me so long, but i don't have anyone i really want to share it with.
i'm not gonna force friendships or relationships without them making complete and total sense... and with this comes many many many lonely hours... which i would normally just fill with any old commitment or responsibility, but since i am eliminating many of those too... i am making space so that i no longer have the option to do anything but the OPTIMUM things for myself, which require serious dedication and commitment and responsibility, all of which are still (despite months of focusing on them) completely terrifying to me.
this is what they call growing up i suppose. priorities... not running from your fears or obscuring them. shit is just rough, man.
phew. see i can do the long winded letters too! i'm just rarely in the mood.
my ceremonies have been a true blessing in helping me cope with all the changes happening in my life lately. the one out at jims the other night was unbelievable. to be outside under the stars, was truly magical. fresh air and such. so nice.
but those ceremonies always uncover all of my cleverly hidden issues. and it is so awesome to confront those things... but a bunch of it takes so much time to digest, that in the short term there is a lot of suffering.
issues like my relationship to my father, and my first love totally breaking my heart into 1000 pieces, and insecurities often turning me into a bully when left unchecked... these things take so much energy and time to confront, i hardly have anything left to do all the real life stuff like school and bands and eating and sleeping. much less making any new friends or possibly pursuing a woman (were i to meet one i liked enough).
anyways i think i'll leave it at that for now. i appreciate you caring, more than you know. i still think about you a lot as well, and hold you in the highest place my heart has. i hope this letter finds you happy and healthy ♥
now that's out of the way, i want to say that i love you. and that your support in general is an important place for me to go and draw some energy in my life and i will always be grateful for that.
settling back into school has been a little rough, frankly. i've been realizing how many of my scholastic decisions are based in feeding my own ego. wanting to always be on stage, getting attention. having people look at me and think i am so connected and deep...
it's just all really confusing because it's okay to want attention and to share yourself musically with people, but i need to find a more honest way to do it. as a result of this way of thinking, i have quit some ensembles i would normally be doing. things that my heart isn't in 100% are getting axed and i'm creating some time... but for what? i don't really know.
i'm still being incredibly discerning in my life. no friends i'm not super into, definitely no girls i'm not super into (which hasn't been anyone in a while, besides you) no bands i'm not super into (unless there's a reasonable amount of money involved) etc.
it feels good to stay true to my heart and do the right thing. but as eugene said to me very recently: "do the right thing all the time and you better get used to being lonely". and that is how i feel right about now... i feel good about myself for being honest and really besting a lot of the anxieties that plagued me so long, but i don't have anyone i really want to share it with.
i'm not gonna force friendships or relationships without them making complete and total sense... and with this comes many many many lonely hours... which i would normally just fill with any old commitment or responsibility, but since i am eliminating many of those too... i am making space so that i no longer have the option to do anything but the OPTIMUM things for myself, which require serious dedication and commitment and responsibility, all of which are still (despite months of focusing on them) completely terrifying to me.
this is what they call growing up i suppose. priorities... not running from your fears or obscuring them. shit is just rough, man.
phew. see i can do the long winded letters too! i'm just rarely in the mood.
my ceremonies have been a true blessing in helping me cope with all the changes happening in my life lately. the one out at jims the other night was unbelievable. to be outside under the stars, was truly magical. fresh air and such. so nice.
but those ceremonies always uncover all of my cleverly hidden issues. and it is so awesome to confront those things... but a bunch of it takes so much time to digest, that in the short term there is a lot of suffering.
issues like my relationship to my father, and my first love totally breaking my heart into 1000 pieces, and insecurities often turning me into a bully when left unchecked... these things take so much energy and time to confront, i hardly have anything left to do all the real life stuff like school and bands and eating and sleeping. much less making any new friends or possibly pursuing a woman (were i to meet one i liked enough).
anyways i think i'll leave it at that for now. i appreciate you caring, more than you know. i still think about you a lot as well, and hold you in the highest place my heart has. i hope this letter finds you happy and healthy ♥