Dear readers...
I have been accepted to the University of Washington, and right now there's only the stale taste of bitterness left in my mouth. For the first time in maybe two weeks, my father checked the mail before I did, and it happened to be the same day that my UW acceptance letter came in. I glanced over the letter nonchalantly; I'd never show a sign of emotion to him. To him, I'm always as cold as ice.
I shouldn't feel so pissed off about this; I knew that this would come. Murphy's law would inevitably banish my silly dream of being the first to open the envelope, the first to see the tangible results of my years of work at ICS. I knew this would happen-- I even told my mother about it, how I hated the idea of him snooping into my mail. I think that if she had checked the mail, she would have respected my wishes.
I know what this tide of feelings welling inside me predicts--my body wants release, it wants to cry, it hates the feeling of its dreams, albeit naive and idealized, being crushed. But I refuse to give in.
It's a safety school. I knew I would get in. Let me reserve my tears for a reach school-- for a program which guarantees acceptance to medical school. A difficult program that my heart desires most...
Good. The ache has passed.
Thank god for email and the internet. I will know of my other acceptances (or rejections) online long before he does. I will harbor the secret till he recieves the news in the mail. I will not give him the satisfaction of recieving good (or bad) news first, and I will not feign surprise at the news when he tells me about it. I'll be satisfied that I knew before him, that my friends knew before him, that everyone else in the goddamn universe would know before him. Except my mom, because she's not good at keeping secrets. Oh well. One casualty.
Ha, and he asked me if I wanted to call my friends. No way in hell. This is a hollow victory.
-----
The first thing that popped into my mind after he left me in peace was that I wanted to eat something horribly bad for me. I've had this stupid system in my head my entire life--the whole hurting yourself to retaliate against others. But I've never cut myself, or anything like that. It's always been about eating eating eating eating eating. Especially things with cheese--he's always attacked cheese. And I love cheese. But do I love it because he hates it? I don't think so.
He wants me to lose weight? Learn Tamil? Get Braces? No. I will not even try to become your fucking perfect-Indian-girl supermodel daughter. I sing, and I'm smart. That's good enough for me. And I will never lose weight, especially in your presence. I'll work at it in college, but not now. And if that means that I have to face my relative's stupid incessant teasing every summer about my weight, so be it. I have friends, and they're all I need. Dammit- now that feeling is coming back. Changing topic...
I finished the book Complications by Atul Gawande this morning. I enjoyed the entire book; he has a wonderful writing style. I also need to finish Heart of Darkness by tonight for school. As well as my IS notes. Each morning, a new to-do note. I'm sick of the monotony... as well as my never-improving Physics grade. haha.
no, I'm not sick of life right now. I'm just wallowing.
Oh yeah. I just remembered something. I was going to drop Drama to work on my Physics grade. After a certain someone's three hour lecture when he saw my grade in the mail.
You know what?
Screw that. I'm auditioning.
Life suddenly looks a hell of a lot better.
I shouldn't feel so pissed off about this; I knew that this would come. Murphy's law would inevitably banish my silly dream of being the first to open the envelope, the first to see the tangible results of my years of work at ICS. I knew this would happen-- I even told my mother about it, how I hated the idea of him snooping into my mail. I think that if she had checked the mail, she would have respected my wishes.
I know what this tide of feelings welling inside me predicts--my body wants release, it wants to cry, it hates the feeling of its dreams, albeit naive and idealized, being crushed. But I refuse to give in.
It's a safety school. I knew I would get in. Let me reserve my tears for a reach school-- for a program which guarantees acceptance to medical school. A difficult program that my heart desires most...
Good. The ache has passed.
Thank god for email and the internet. I will know of my other acceptances (or rejections) online long before he does. I will harbor the secret till he recieves the news in the mail. I will not give him the satisfaction of recieving good (or bad) news first, and I will not feign surprise at the news when he tells me about it. I'll be satisfied that I knew before him, that my friends knew before him, that everyone else in the goddamn universe would know before him. Except my mom, because she's not good at keeping secrets. Oh well. One casualty.
Ha, and he asked me if I wanted to call my friends. No way in hell. This is a hollow victory.
-----
The first thing that popped into my mind after he left me in peace was that I wanted to eat something horribly bad for me. I've had this stupid system in my head my entire life--the whole hurting yourself to retaliate against others. But I've never cut myself, or anything like that. It's always been about eating eating eating eating eating. Especially things with cheese--he's always attacked cheese. And I love cheese. But do I love it because he hates it? I don't think so.
He wants me to lose weight? Learn Tamil? Get Braces? No. I will not even try to become your fucking perfect-Indian-girl supermodel daughter. I sing, and I'm smart. That's good enough for me. And I will never lose weight, especially in your presence. I'll work at it in college, but not now. And if that means that I have to face my relative's stupid incessant teasing every summer about my weight, so be it. I have friends, and they're all I need. Dammit- now that feeling is coming back. Changing topic...
I finished the book Complications by Atul Gawande this morning. I enjoyed the entire book; he has a wonderful writing style. I also need to finish Heart of Darkness by tonight for school. As well as my IS notes. Each morning, a new to-do note. I'm sick of the monotony... as well as my never-improving Physics grade. haha.
no, I'm not sick of life right now. I'm just wallowing.
Oh yeah. I just remembered something. I was going to drop Drama to work on my Physics grade. After a certain someone's three hour lecture when he saw my grade in the mail.
You know what?
Screw that. I'm auditioning.
Life suddenly looks a hell of a lot better.