Not Good
I really need Spring Break to be like right now.
Lately I've been wondering more and more if I don't actually have some form of depresson. I've written about this before, but now I'm really beginning to worry about myself. The last couple of weeks I've been turning more and more into a total basketcase. I haven't mentioned it so much in my recent journal entries, but I just feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. That's not an entirely unusual thing for me to be feeling, and I'm not sure whether I should be reassured or concerned by that fact. This last week or so I've been so tense and anxious and stressed out, and even thought I have a few good reasons to be stressed, I really don't think I ought to be feeling as anxious and freaked out as I am. I mean, yes, I should be quite concerned about the fact that I'm currently failing Compostion II, and that the assignments I need to make up feel impossible for me to accomplish, but I don't know that I should be feeling as stressed about it as I am. Some of the reasons that I'm stressed out about some of the things that I'm stessed about have to do with feelings and attitudes toward myself that aren't entirely healthy to begin with. I'm aware that I'm a perfectionist workhorse with the tendency to beat myself up too much when I don't meet the high standards I set for myself, but I'm wondering lately if the severity of all of that isn't part of something bigger.
I am literally so tense that all the muscles in my body will tense up without my realizing it, and I have to stop and remind myself to calm down and consciously relax my body. I'm pretty sure that's not normal. My appetite lately has been practically non-existant, and while that's a symptom of depression, I can also attribute it at least partially to my ADD medicine. I don't even know. It's just been so long since I've felt right. I thought that the last week or so has been especially bad because of PMS, but I'm not sure at this point that that's what it is.
Usually, I work myself to death to get stuff done, and I will do that up to a certain point at which I become so stressed by variables beyond my control that I completely crash into a pile of self-loathing carelessness. Last week I was feeling so off that I skipped class on Wednesday and spent nearly the whole day laying in bed, and then I skipped my afternoon class on Thursday, even though I enjoy patternmaking. This week I'm thankful that my Wednesday class is canceled. (I don't know why.) I'm worried that I'm failing that class as well though; between my illness in February and the occasional shutdowns of my sanity, I've got several missing/late assignments. There's still plenty of time and opportunities to get caught up in that class, but I can't help worrying.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I have plenty of reasons to think that I might be depressed. Sometimes I think that I'm the only member of my immediate family who hasn't been put on anti-depressents because I'm the only one who hasn't been put on anti-depressants yet. It certainly would suprise me. Between the migraines, Attention Deficit Disorder, and Synesthesia, I already know that my brain isn't wired correctly, so it's totally plausible there's some emotional miswiring as well.
I just know that the way I'm feeling isn't good, or normal, or right.
Sorry for the long, rambling, self-pitying entry, but it helps a little to just get the thoughts out of my head.