Read # 3 : November 1994, my mother.....
I sat there and thanked her for supper... told her I would go downstairs and play school.... she was getting my sister ready for her girl guides, and picking up the table....... I walked down the stairs.. and I heard a YELL.... she was laying there on the couch in so much pain holding her head.... Call your uncle right now she said... I was in a panic... my six year old sister was crying.... I was only 11 years old I did not know what was going on......My uncle rushed over... she did not want to move.. he called an ambulance... my father was out of town..... what was going on... my mother told my aunt to take me and my sister and bring my sister to her meeting... we drove around the corner and there was the ambulance.......we got home after the girl guide meeting... and waited.... my grandmother and father came back home.. with my mother.... the doctors told us it was only a migraine that my mom had.... so a few days went by...my mother was not getting any better... dad took her back to the hospital and demanded some answers. they decided to run a C.A.T scan on my mothers brain ....that day my mother told me she loved me... and told me to be good and to listen to my father...we packed her things so she could be settled in the hospital.... tears rolled down my cheek.... (little did I know that would be the last time my mother would speak to me ) The next day was her C.a.t scan... they found something and airlifted her up to a better hospital an hour away from our city........a brain aneurysum... we have to operate they told my father...... while operating on my mother... she suffered a massive stroke.... which left her in a comma..... not knowing if she would live or die, my father had to come home and told my sister and I what had happened.... He sat us down and explain to us with his pictures.. of an Elvis man.. that my mom had a vein in her brain that busted and the blood was all in her brain.....they needed to clamp it in order to be able to make her better.... he told us she was sleeping right now.. and we needed to wait if she would ever wake up.... I was so scared........i was old enough to understand what was going on.... i was 11 i was not a baby..... few weeks went by and nothing... she was still in the comma.... dad told us mommy might be a christmas angel......dad started going through her things in her bedroom..... he found a journal that she wrote.. "to my two beautiful daughters whom I love and cherish the most"... I screamed and cried asked my father why he was reading that journal... it was meant to be given to us if something ever happened.. and my mother was going to live damnit!!!!!!!!! she couldn't die...
22 days later she came out of the comma. paralyzed on her right side. not being able to walk, move her right arm or talk.... she was not the same person..... slowly she learned to walk again.....
when my father thought it was time for us to see our mother he brought us to see her.....i walked into the room saw this person i could not recognize. and walked closely.. she had her hair shaven... on the left side... she had tubes in her nose.. she was whining... and trying to talk... I hugged her and really tried not to cry.. I was scared... was this lady my mother??
my sister passed out.... she could not recognise my mother....
we went and saw my mom every weekend.... little by little she was getting better... she still could not talk or move her right arm...
" will she be like this forever dad?" I asked my father.
" I don't know sweetie.. let's just be thankful she is alive" he replied to me.
I wanted her home with us... christmas was coming and I wanted my mother home for christmas... My dad tried as hard as he could to have my mom come home for the holidays for just a few days... he was able to... he had nurses come over and he took care of her....
step by step he helped her to walk.... we were together for christmas
every weekend after that mom was allowed to come home. I hated it when she had to come back... In february she came home permenantly....
little by little my mom relearned how to walk.. which she is able to do today... her right arm is still paralyzed.. and will probably never have use of it... Here we are 15 years later. a miracle she is alive the doctor said...
her speech is getting better. she can say little words like feed the dog. come here. she can swear....
so much changed in my life... I look back and say what would things be like if she wouldn't of had that stroke?
In elementary school i shut myself out from everyone.. I was a loser i guess you can add... I had lost so much in my life... that i had hid from everyone.... I kept to myself and was shy and quiet.....
Highschool came, and I told myself that I had to snap out of it...
My mother was getting better day by day. month by month. year after year... new words were coming too.... she had homecare every day.. to come over and take care of her... but my mother was gone
her spirit will always live inside of me... my new mother means the world to me... but I miss the old mother so much....We take care of her... she is like a child... a little girl learning to walk.... learning to talk..... learning life all over again... she does not know the concept of money.. always wants wants wants everything for her..... It gets so frustrating at times.....
I lived my teenage life through highschool hating myself... living in grief.. morning the loss of my mother... even though she was still alive...
My father drank... drank all his problems away......
I started hateing my self... slowly took pills... did not want to live...... i hated my father.. i wanted to move out.... he never let me do anything.... i always had to take care of my mother take care of my sister. take care of the dog... clean the house....... I could not handle it anymore...
Hence when i went into my depression... aged 17 years old.... manic depressive.....a psycho to all people around me... had few friends because no one really understould how I felt.... hated my father because he was an alcoholic.. my sister hating me that i hated my dad. she did not see a problem with him... she did not see why I was hurting so much....I had lost my best friend... my mother was my life..... I went through being a teenager without my mother.... being so lost and alone.....who goes through that???
I did..... when my father found out... what I was doing to myself.... cutting myself for no apparent reason... taking pills.. he cried... he told me that someone could run him over with a truck and that wouldn't hurt him as much as what I was doing to myself..... I cried.. I told him I loved himm... Slowly my father and I started growing closer......
But still the pain was there... the emptiness........ I graduated highschool... so lost...... I told my father I wanted to take a year off...I was not ready for college or university....everyone thought i was stupid and that i would never go back to school... So i worked at my part time job which was Walmart... for that year. saved up enough money.....
during that year I wanted to find myself... my true self... did I find that person???? no, to this day I am still lost...
But i fought for myself... I was taking medication for my mood swings., i was going through counselling....
i dated.. yeah... had lot's of guys screw me over and break my heart.. I was the kinda girl who always fell in love too quick... too fast.. and always with the wrong person.....
So came september... I had to make a decision and get my ass in college.... so I took a course in my hometown.. as an Educational Assistant at a college.... it was a two year course... I had enough money to pay for the course all by myself Cash......i was proud....
i was doing good with the course.. I was surprised I loved it.....
that was the year I met J... his girlfriend has passed away with his unborn son.... he was lost... i was lost... and we found each other.... we lasted a year....he was my best friend he was my companion... he was my everything... i was lost when we broke up... I broke up with him.... i knew it was not right being with him... he needed to grieve... he was pulling through and did not need me anymore.... I let him go..... I loved him so much.... My second year in college was tough on me... i made friends... lost friends.... but found myself.. I had great experiences in my field placements... I graduated with honours... EVeryone was so proud of me.......
that year I had gotten my first car.. my first little black four door 1992 Nissan Stanza..... So april came and I had graduated... I worked at the one school i did my placement at as a lunch duty lady LOL.... it was fun... I was getting experience.. I was suppose to put out resumes.. but never did something was stopping me... I was scared.. school was done i was so lost...
so september came and I did not have a job... but I still did my lunch duty.. Put in my name for supplying.... I edfor a day care... i did my lunch duty.... I supplied. and I worked three hours a day at the french public school as a tutor. reading with students... I also tutor on my own..
at the age of 21 years old... and living at home... i wanted to leave but i felt so guilty in leaving my father my sister and my mother behind
I finally took a big step that year and left Walmart my first paying job.. I got a job at one of our malls, in a woman's clothing store....
I was constantly looking for my soulmate... for the one i will spend the rest of my life with... someone I can start my own life with... my own memories...I was not able to be alone...
On may 2nd 2005.. I underwent a big surgery..and I think it was a big self esteem booster for me.. Someone who has been hiding from so many people... not loveing her self or loving her body.... will finally maybe be in peace with herself....I had a breast reduction... am I happy with the results, no, they came back and they are still big. But I am content with the way I look now I suppose.
will a man make me happy? what will make me happy? No one knows... not even I... but i have the courage and strength to go on.... My father still drinks... my mother left him last summer 2008, her parents brainwashed her he was no good for her and now we are battling in court.... she is still like a child...my sister depends on me so much.... i have so much on my shoulders..... I need a time out... time out from the world......
I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel once I find my match I will truly feel complete? Does anyone else out there feel that way? Could he possibly be able to make me happy... where is he...?? Can fate guide us to each other...
hopless romantic... thats who I am... a girl who loves sunflowers... a girl who loves her disney cartoons... a girl who cries over the smallest things.. a girl who loves too much... a girl who cares so much for children.. and loves working with them... a girl who shut herself out from her mother... a girl who hates herself sometimes.. a girl who sees her father drown himself into beer... a girl who... a girl who.... feels so alone......
I have come along way, I have a great job with the school board, and wonderful friends by my side, a great home to live in, and a head on my shoulders... I'm allowed at times to feel so alone.. and tonight is one of them.
Until then... I say to everyone out there... be strong.... life doesn't give us obstacles we can not overcome.....I am an image of strength and courage and many of you out there are as well... Believe in yourself and your dreams, and you can overcome anything....
22 days later she came out of the comma. paralyzed on her right side. not being able to walk, move her right arm or talk.... she was not the same person..... slowly she learned to walk again.....
when my father thought it was time for us to see our mother he brought us to see her.....i walked into the room saw this person i could not recognize. and walked closely.. she had her hair shaven... on the left side... she had tubes in her nose.. she was whining... and trying to talk... I hugged her and really tried not to cry.. I was scared... was this lady my mother??
my sister passed out.... she could not recognise my mother....
we went and saw my mom every weekend.... little by little she was getting better... she still could not talk or move her right arm...
" will she be like this forever dad?" I asked my father.
" I don't know sweetie.. let's just be thankful she is alive" he replied to me.
I wanted her home with us... christmas was coming and I wanted my mother home for christmas... My dad tried as hard as he could to have my mom come home for the holidays for just a few days... he was able to... he had nurses come over and he took care of her....
step by step he helped her to walk.... we were together for christmas
every weekend after that mom was allowed to come home. I hated it when she had to come back... In february she came home permenantly....
little by little my mom relearned how to walk.. which she is able to do today... her right arm is still paralyzed.. and will probably never have use of it... Here we are 15 years later. a miracle she is alive the doctor said...
her speech is getting better. she can say little words like feed the dog. come here. she can swear....
so much changed in my life... I look back and say what would things be like if she wouldn't of had that stroke?
In elementary school i shut myself out from everyone.. I was a loser i guess you can add... I had lost so much in my life... that i had hid from everyone.... I kept to myself and was shy and quiet.....
Highschool came, and I told myself that I had to snap out of it...
My mother was getting better day by day. month by month. year after year... new words were coming too.... she had homecare every day.. to come over and take care of her... but my mother was gone
her spirit will always live inside of me... my new mother means the world to me... but I miss the old mother so much....We take care of her... she is like a child... a little girl learning to walk.... learning to talk..... learning life all over again... she does not know the concept of money.. always wants wants wants everything for her..... It gets so frustrating at times.....
I lived my teenage life through highschool hating myself... living in grief.. morning the loss of my mother... even though she was still alive...
My father drank... drank all his problems away......
I started hateing my self... slowly took pills... did not want to live...... i hated my father.. i wanted to move out.... he never let me do anything.... i always had to take care of my mother take care of my sister. take care of the dog... clean the house....... I could not handle it anymore...
Hence when i went into my depression... aged 17 years old.... manic depressive.....a psycho to all people around me... had few friends because no one really understould how I felt.... hated my father because he was an alcoholic.. my sister hating me that i hated my dad. she did not see a problem with him... she did not see why I was hurting so much....I had lost my best friend... my mother was my life..... I went through being a teenager without my mother.... being so lost and alone.....who goes through that???
I did..... when my father found out... what I was doing to myself.... cutting myself for no apparent reason... taking pills.. he cried... he told me that someone could run him over with a truck and that wouldn't hurt him as much as what I was doing to myself..... I cried.. I told him I loved himm... Slowly my father and I started growing closer......
But still the pain was there... the emptiness........ I graduated highschool... so lost...... I told my father I wanted to take a year off...I was not ready for college or university....everyone thought i was stupid and that i would never go back to school... So i worked at my part time job which was Walmart... for that year. saved up enough money.....
during that year I wanted to find myself... my true self... did I find that person???? no, to this day I am still lost...
But i fought for myself... I was taking medication for my mood swings., i was going through counselling....
i dated.. yeah... had lot's of guys screw me over and break my heart.. I was the kinda girl who always fell in love too quick... too fast.. and always with the wrong person.....
So came september... I had to make a decision and get my ass in college.... so I took a course in my hometown.. as an Educational Assistant at a college.... it was a two year course... I had enough money to pay for the course all by myself Cash......i was proud....
i was doing good with the course.. I was surprised I loved it.....
that was the year I met J... his girlfriend has passed away with his unborn son.... he was lost... i was lost... and we found each other.... we lasted a year....he was my best friend he was my companion... he was my everything... i was lost when we broke up... I broke up with him.... i knew it was not right being with him... he needed to grieve... he was pulling through and did not need me anymore.... I let him go..... I loved him so much.... My second year in college was tough on me... i made friends... lost friends.... but found myself.. I had great experiences in my field placements... I graduated with honours... EVeryone was so proud of me.......
that year I had gotten my first car.. my first little black four door 1992 Nissan Stanza..... So april came and I had graduated... I worked at the one school i did my placement at as a lunch duty lady LOL.... it was fun... I was getting experience.. I was suppose to put out resumes.. but never did something was stopping me... I was scared.. school was done i was so lost...
so september came and I did not have a job... but I still did my lunch duty.. Put in my name for supplying.... I edfor a day care... i did my lunch duty.... I supplied. and I worked three hours a day at the french public school as a tutor. reading with students... I also tutor on my own..
at the age of 21 years old... and living at home... i wanted to leave but i felt so guilty in leaving my father my sister and my mother behind
I finally took a big step that year and left Walmart my first paying job.. I got a job at one of our malls, in a woman's clothing store....
I was constantly looking for my soulmate... for the one i will spend the rest of my life with... someone I can start my own life with... my own memories...I was not able to be alone...
On may 2nd 2005.. I underwent a big surgery..and I think it was a big self esteem booster for me.. Someone who has been hiding from so many people... not loveing her self or loving her body.... will finally maybe be in peace with herself....I had a breast reduction... am I happy with the results, no, they came back and they are still big. But I am content with the way I look now I suppose.
will a man make me happy? what will make me happy? No one knows... not even I... but i have the courage and strength to go on.... My father still drinks... my mother left him last summer 2008, her parents brainwashed her he was no good for her and now we are battling in court.... she is still like a child...my sister depends on me so much.... i have so much on my shoulders..... I need a time out... time out from the world......
I know I shouldn't feel this way but I feel once I find my match I will truly feel complete? Does anyone else out there feel that way? Could he possibly be able to make me happy... where is he...?? Can fate guide us to each other...
hopless romantic... thats who I am... a girl who loves sunflowers... a girl who loves her disney cartoons... a girl who cries over the smallest things.. a girl who loves too much... a girl who cares so much for children.. and loves working with them... a girl who shut herself out from her mother... a girl who hates herself sometimes.. a girl who sees her father drown himself into beer... a girl who... a girl who.... feels so alone......
I have come along way, I have a great job with the school board, and wonderful friends by my side, a great home to live in, and a head on my shoulders... I'm allowed at times to feel so alone.. and tonight is one of them.
Until then... I say to everyone out there... be strong.... life doesn't give us obstacles we can not overcome.....I am an image of strength and courage and many of you out there are as well... Believe in yourself and your dreams, and you can overcome anything....